+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 44
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,868
    Thanks
    5,192
    Thanked
    3,894
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    So, to help OP (and me!) put this comment in context, how do you think you'd respond to your DH receiving a cancer diagnosis? As in, what actions would you take that you felt were being helpful/supportive?
    So if dh got cancer...

    I'd get a second opinion from another doctor. Reschedule work to drive him to appts. Clean up his diet if needed. MAKE him follow all the instructions to the last letter.

    So basically I'd make sure he would be at every appt and that he was following the guidelines. Then I'd expect him to get on with life afterwards as it is over.

    Unfortunately if I sat him down to talk about how he was feeling I'd end up saying stupid things like "statistically you have a 35% chance of the meds not working". Or as I told my grandmother when she got her cancer diagnosis "cheer up, yours has a survival rate of 60%, odds are good". In hindsight, not the smartest thing to say but at the time I thought I was being helpful. Btw it wasn't and my mum was horrified.

    So now I don't offer much emotional support as I regularly stuff up but instead try to offer practical help ie driving ppl to appts, cooking for them etc.

    ETA - I'm similar to my dad in personality. Not much of emotional capacity within and my mum needed way more from him. They are both happier now with different people who fulfill their emotional needs. I'm not saying you have to leave your dh OP.
    Last edited by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah; 19-11-2015 at 19:55.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    4,111
    Thanks
    2,897
    Thanked
    3,329
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    That would still be more than the OP is getting

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,868
    Thanks
    5,192
    Thanked
    3,894
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I just don't feel supported. I just don't think that he has the psychological capacity to see things from my perspective.

    His topics of conversation are news, politics, kids activities, holidays. Superficial stuff. I'd say if he was asked he'd say I worry too much about keeping the house straight (it's always a mess) and I'm always moaning about not having help or anyone to talk to but when he tries to talk to me I have nothing to say. We'll be fine for ages - well in the stressed out with 3 kids kinda way - then I rock the boat by like having to have a biopsy done and then getting so stressed that I end up sick with shingles. I know I'm not good company, I'm stressed and depressed but I try to just get on with things.
    I'm no MD but whilst is I agree you definitely need more support from your partner, you also need to seek treatment for depression.

    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I think after my cancer I started to get depressed and he can't handle mental health issues.
    I'm sorry to hear that you were hit by a double whammy. It is hard enough to deal with cancer let alone depression afterwards. Did your doctor put you in touch with a counselor? Not sure what the procedure is in NSW but when my grandmother got her breast cancer dx, part of her treatment program included group sessions. Would that have helped

    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    It doesn't matter how many times I've told dp I'm struggling with house kids and social isolation he doesn't get it. Whatever the house / kid issue is its up to me to sort out. I think when I go through bad times he keeps his head down until it blows over. Like an ostrich.
    You might have to tantrum to get him to understand better. Or he might just *not* understand.

    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I guess he wouldn't perceive that he wasn't supportive. He never gets sick ever like a cold once a year that he shakes off in a day. He hates people making a fuss of him too so I suspect his mentality is just get on with it. He was ok in the beginning came to my apts but he just got fed up of hearing about it and wanted me to move on I think. Whereas I couldn't stop thinking about what it all meant reading articles and chatting online to others with cancer. But I resented the lack of support and I think things changed.
    You both need to talk properly. It seems like you both are speaking different languages

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    on a sandy beach!
    Posts
    6,325
    Thanks
    336
    Thanked
    2,196
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Where are you located?

    Can you move closer to his family for more support?

    My psychologist said to me recently there is no point in me just getting help as then it's just 'my problem' I hope that makes sense? So we just started therapy. We want too. Contact relationships Australia.

    In the mean time I'm not sure how much you earn but I would book even a few hours childcare or maybe get some help around the home. Do you receive things from cancer council etc still?

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to monnie24 For This Useful Post:

    Wise Enough  (19-11-2015)

  6. #25
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    4,111
    Thanks
    2,897
    Thanked
    3,329
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by monnie24 View Post
    Where are you located?

    Can you move closer to his family for more support?

    My psychologist said to me recently there is no point in me just getting help as then it's just 'my problem' I hope that makes sense? So we just started therapy. We want too. Contact relationships Australia.

    In the mean time I'm not sure how much you earn but I would book even a few hours childcare or maybe get some help around the home. Do you receive things from cancer council etc still?
    Yes Childcare is a great idea

  7. #26
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Sunshine Coast
    Posts
    2,963
    Thanks
    2,383
    Thanked
    2,071
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    Since my unplanned pregnancy with #3 (now 17mths) things have not been good at home. I've been depressed and anxious and stressed out. Dp is emotionally barren. This isn't just me having a go, he knows this - or at least appreciated it when he was younger. I think my inability to cope just irritates him and with no family here and not close to friends (who all stopped at 2 kids and work / study) I feel like I have no emotional support. I knew he was like this when we got together but I'm usually quite strong and self sufficient. Things actually started going bad 4 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. He got fed up with me stressing and crying. He didn't give me any time to recover - I'd had my thyroid taken out and couldn't talk loud or lift children and I remember him getting irritated with me for not being able to call ds off the road or lift him into car. Anyways. Things were worse after the pregnancy that he wanted me to terminate. The latest thing is I have shingles and I know it's stress related, I know I should rest etc so I asked him to take a day off work but he won't unless I wean dd2 age 17 months. He never asks how I am. When I told him I was seeing a psychologist about pnd he never once asked me how the sessions went. I just don't think he cares about me at all anymore I'm just the nagging mum who looks after the kids and house. I've never had more than 2 hours away from the kids in 17mths.
    Sorry for rambling. We have ups and downs and I just don't know if I should keep riding out these bad times or its time to call it a day? I feel like I probably need legal advice as we bought the house together but he stumped up most of the money for the large deposit and pays all the mortgage payments as I've not worked. We aren't married but have been together for more than 10 years
    You poor thing, you've been through so much. Things probably won't change unfortunately. Do you ever tell him flat out, how you feel? I am guilty of being emotional when I talk to my DP and might yell or cry but, I forget to just talk to him. If he isn't interested in talking, I'd say you are wasting your time in this relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy.

  8. #27
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    972
    Thanks
    536
    Thanked
    343
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    So he hates me emailing cus he can't shout me down and I like to get my thoughts straight. I asked him to just be honest about why taking 1 day off work was a big deal. No response we literally didn't speak for 2 days. Tonight I asked him had he any insights - "what into that long email?" - it was a paragraph. He just reiterates that he can't look after her until she is weaned. I've made her dependent. Full stop. Anything else I say about stuff around attachment and her being with me all the time, being 17 months and that means yes she is dependent. All that is me just shifting the blame onto him. Other families can wean no problem why is it an issue for me I should just stop feeding her. When I try and remind him that I've literally had no break for 17 months he accuses me of not appreciating him and what he does with the older children who I apparently neglect. So I said enough we need to see a counsellor I can't go on like this. Big fat no. I told him that if he doesn't it'll be the end of our family but I don't think he cares. You know how some people have to literally walk in another's shoes to have empathy. He is one. I'm kinda nervous to go to bed in case he decides to stick a pillow over my head for daring to speak up for myself. I seriously wish we had not moved to Australia now I'm am rightly screwed stuck here on my own now probably living off welfare...

  9. #28
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    my house
    Posts
    17,695
    Thanks
    1,391
    Thanked
    7,284
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Geezus. If you are too scared to go to bed I think you need to call the cops

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to BigRedV For This Useful Post:

    Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (20-11-2015)

  11. #29
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    17,747
    Thanks
    5,085
    Thanked
    8,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator - Thank you
    100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    So he hates me emailing cus he can't shout me down and I like to get my thoughts straight. I asked him to just be honest about why taking 1 day off work was a big deal. No response we literally didn't speak for 2 days. Tonight I asked him had he any insights - "what into that long email?" - it was a paragraph. He just reiterates that he can't look after her until she is weaned. I've made her dependent. Full stop. Anything else I say about stuff around attachment and her being with me all the time, being 17 months and that means yes she is dependent. All that is me just shifting the blame onto him. Other families can wean no problem why is it an issue for me I should just stop feeding her. When I try and remind him that I've literally had no break for 17 months he accuses me of not appreciating him and what he does with the older children who I apparently neglect. So I said enough we need to see a counsellor I can't go on like this. Big fat no. I told him that if he doesn't it'll be the end of our family but I don't think he cares. You know how some people have to literally walk in another's shoes to have empathy. He is one. I'm kinda nervous to go to bed in case he decides to stick a pillow over my head for daring to speak up for myself. I seriously wish we had not moved to Australia now I'm am rightly screwed stuck here on my own now probably living off welfare...
    I wish I could help you because my heart just breaks for you and your kids.
    I hope you can continue to seek counselling for yourself and build yourself up to the point where you are ready to leave this man.
    I know you are strong enough - YOU just need to know you're strong enough

  12. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to misskittyfantastico For This Useful Post:

    BettyW  (19-11-2015),Sonja  (19-11-2015)

  13. #30
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    10,495
    Thanks
    1,430
    Thanked
    9,003
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 17/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    I wish I could help you because my heart just breaks for you and your kids.
    I hope you can continue to seek counselling for yourself and build yourself up to the point where you are ready to leave this man.
    I know you are strong enough - YOU just need to know you're strong enough
    I'm behind this 100%

    Do you want to wean your DD? Please don't unless you want to. Don't wean her because you think he will give you a day off. He won't.

    Your baby sounds divine. Do what's right by you and her xx

  14. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Sonja For This Useful Post:

    Albert01  (19-11-2015),harvs  (19-11-2015),Little Miss Sunshine  (20-11-2015),misskittyfantastico  (19-11-2015),Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (20-11-2015)


 

Similar Threads

  1. I am so unhappy
    By bigbangtheory in forum Feeling alone
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 23-07-2015, 15:40
  2. I'm so unhappy
    By yadot in forum Pregnancy & Birth General Chat
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 06-05-2015, 22:01
  3. Very unhappy, please help if you have been though similar cases
    By letii in forum General depression and blues
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 01-01-2015, 11:29

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Einsteinz Music
Make music at Einsteinz Music in age-appropriate class in Sydney's Inner West, Eastern Suburbs or North Shore. For ages 6 mths - 4 yrs. All music is live! Christmas Gift certificates available for full term or casual classes. Call 0431 338 143
sales & new stuffsee all
Pea Pods
Buy 2 Award Winning Pea Pods Reusable One Size Nappies for only $38 (in your choice of colours) and receive a FREE roll of Bamboo Liners. Don't miss out, we don't usually have discounts on the nappies, so grab this special offer!
Special Offer! Save $12
featured supporter
Baby Sensory
Baby Sensory is the only baby programme that offers a complete approach to learning & development. Our classes offer an exciting world full of fun sensory experiences for parents and babies to enjoy.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!