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    Default I want my baby to have strongest attachment to me.

    Hi everyone,
    It is important to me that I am the one there for my baby and for him to have the strongest attachment to me. I have had some issues with the feelings that come when my son wants his dad more than me when he gets home from work. But I think I have got more used of this and even like it because I want my son to have a good relationship with dad too and I can now understand that he is excited coz he hadn't seen dad all day.

    But lately I've had lots of trouble with the in laws. When my baby cries in their arms, he looks at me and clearly wants me. I just wanna go pick him up and hold him close. But instead I am made to feel like I need to look away and ignore him crying for me. Because my in laws make it clear that they wanna settle him and when I come up to take my baby and say that I better take him, my in laws ignore me and just don't give him back to me. It took me asking several times last time in a stern, slightly mean way to get him back.

    I don't know how to handle this, I don't feel comfortable getting stern with them and my husband refuses to step in. Is it good that I want to take my son back when he cries? Am I teaching him bad habits? Or should I respond to him? Will it affect my attachment with him if I don't take him? I just hate seeing my baby looking at me crying, and then I just break our eye contact and ignore him. I feel terrible. But I am made to feel terrible when I take him too.

    Also, how do you guys get the strongest attachment with your baby? I am so afraid that he will be as attached to his dad or grandma or auntie as much as he is to me. I don't know if they are bad feelings but they are so significant and overpowering within me.

    Thanks so much for your help.

  2. #2
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    I'm not sure about the wanting your baby to be most attached to you. If you are the main caregiver and are responsive to your baby's needs then this will likely happen anyway. You will need to let dad and bub bond and form a strong attachment though - but it looks like you understand this anyway.

    As for your inlaws, this is another thing entirely! It is good you want your son back when he cries - and you should take him back! He is your son and your instinct is telling you that he needs you! You are not teaching him bad habits - on the contrary by being responsive to his needs you are creating a strong attachment that will mean when he is older and ready he can start to become independent. If you don't respond to him when the inlaws are around it could affect your bond - maybe that your care is conditional, that you won't stand up (advocate) for him etc.

    He is your baby. You know what he needs best. Don't let your inlaws tell you otherwise. It's ok if your son will not settle for anyone else and needs you.

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    It is good for babies to attach to other caregivers. If you are his main caregiver and look after him most of the time, play with him and settle him it it likely that his strongest attachment will be with you. But it is normal and healthy for him to have attachments to other people - dad, grandma, aunty etc and these should also be encouraged.

    How old is your DS? If he wants mummy, it is fine for you to take him back (it always is, don't feel bad about that). My DS is rather clingy at the moment and he wants to be in my arms all the time. However he is almost 14 months, and now he is older I think it's good for him to learn that other people can look after him and hold him and play with him too. He is very mummy focussed at the moment, but I would like him to feel happy and confident with others, so I'm happy to let him grizzle in grandmas arms while I do something else for a moment so he learns that while I am still here, grandma is able to look after him too.

    If you are uncomfortable when he is crying and wanting you then take your baby back. Don't feel bad about it. It took me quite a while to feel happy having others settle him, especially when he was under 6 months.
    Last edited by Pearlygirl; 10-11-2015 at 12:12.

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    It's a bit unfair to your DH that you want a stronger bond with your child than him...having an equally strong bond is great.
    As for the IL's....my kids are older now and it's awesome that they have a strong bond with their grandparents because sometimes they don't want me...but they will go to their grandparents or aunties and uncles for the help and advice you need. There's a saying that goes 'it takes a village to raise a child' and I'm very grateful for my village. It means that when I'm unavailable my kids have someome else to go to....and in the worst case scenario, if something happened to me I like knowing that I am not the be all and end all for my kids.
    In saying that you don't need to ignore your son. When he is crying with your in laws you could just say 'it's okay, grandma's got you, you're okay' and reassure your son that someone else who loves him lots can care for him and comfort him as well.

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    What the PP have said. How old is your bub? If under 6mths old I understand you freaking when bub is crying and you want to settle him.

    But please don't exclude dad. Dad are parents too.

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    The best way for parents to form a strong attachment to their baby is to be there for their kids.
    Don't take sh1t from anyone. Of you bub/child needs or wants your comfort than just take him. He is yours and your husbands baby. Don't take on the idea that you are doing something wrong by taking him back. Simply say I am his mum and he needs me right now. How about after his nap we sit down together and play with him.

    To build a bond with grandparents which is great thing to have. Make sure bub is settled and happy when they are with him/her. Sit and play with bub and them. Encourage positive time with them.
    Last edited by LoveLivesHere; 10-11-2015 at 12:52.

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    Thanks guys, I appreciate this. My
    Baby is 5 months old

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    Hi, it's great that you want your child to have a strong bond with you, but you cannot (and should not) stop him from bonding with others.

    As for your inlaws, time to be clear- if baby cries, you will settle him if they cannot. Let them try, but be clear that when you ask for him, they are to hand him over. Or they just don't get to hold him at all.
    Get your husband on your side- you are the parents, not the inlaws.

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    Default I want my baby to have strongest attachment to me.

    This parenting gig is tough - kids change their allegiances all the time depending on their needs and development phases they are going through. It's best to learn not to take bub wanting dad personally otherwise you will drive yourself crazy for the next 18 years.

    As for the inlaws if you want to hold bub then you go get bub. It sounds that simple because it it. If you don't want to speak sternly to the inlaws then you will need to find a way to let go and let them take care of bub for a bit.

    Best of luck

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  14. #10
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    Just on the inlaws, what might help is a simple change in language - could you try saying 'I'm going to take him now' instead of 'I'd better...'? It's a little tweak but it makes a world of difference, in my experience anyway.

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