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  1. #1
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    Default Horrible thoughts

    Im not sure how to post this, I feel dreadful and ashamed Im doing this.

    Back story, after a long road of IVF and several surgeries due to stuff ups. I finally was blessed to have a healthy pregnancy.
    When suddenly our world was ripped apart, I went into sudden early labour in my second trimester. ������ My darling daughter L was born sleeping.
    My world feel apart, things were very dark for sometime.
    Somehow we overcame, and made it to a new place.

    Its been 13 months since we lost her. I'm now pregnant again with another baby girl. She does not have a name yet.

    To my horror and disgust, I caught myself thinking, soon L will be here, or I'm buying things for my daughter L.
    Ive done this several times, at first I thought oh, just a slip cause I miss her so much etc. Or when when she moves, putting hands on my tummy thinking of her.
    It keeps happening, I feel like a hideous monster, how could I do this, it's wrong. Very wrong.

    Im the first person, to correct anyone who has said "oh this is your first baby, or you won't know how it feels to hold her for the first time".

    Yes I have already held my first born!!!

    We are having a baby shower in two weeks time. My Mum has been at me to put away the flowers and ribbons from her casket. They are beside her photo and candles . I just don't want to put them away.

    Not or sure what the point of this post is. Maybe just to admit the horrible thing I've done.

  2. #2
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    Mega hugs. Your not horrible nor have you done anything horrible. Miss L will always be apart of your life. You shouldn't feel like you have to pack away her things. She will be part of your family forever.

    Remembering L is when you feel her sister move is totally normal.
    Have you seen a grief councillor. You might find it helps.
    I really wish I could climb through the screen and hold you and tell you that you are a good mum. All the things that you see as horrible are actually proof that you are a good mum who loves her girls with all her heart.
    Last edited by LoveLivesHere; 10-11-2015 at 13:14.

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  4. #3
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    Couldnt have said it any better LLH.
    You are not horrible in anyway Frances, and i don't think you should put away L's things at all. She is part of your family. Mega hugs Frances.

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    francesthecat  (29-11-2015)

  6. #4
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    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    My first son was born sleeping as well. I then fell pregnant with another boy and I thought about my first born a lot during that pregnancy. I still do actually.

    You are NOT horrible, you are very brave and very strong. The next pregnancy is just a really tricky time and you need to get through it however you can. All the best xxx

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    francesthecat  (29-11-2015)

  8. #5
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    I can only echo what the other ladies have said. Huge hugs. Not a monster in the slightest.

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    francesthecat  (29-11-2015)

  10. #6
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    Please don't ever think you are horrible, couldn't be further from it.

    This is an enormous loss and really wasn't that long ago, of course your memories of L will be entwined with this new pregnancy, it's only natural. I can't even begin to imagine how hard all the feelings would be.

    Don't pack away your memories of L, she will always be a part of your lives and sister to your second baby. She was important, she was your daughter.

    Def sounds like a good idea to talk to a grief counsellor, they may help you talk out your thoughts and feelings and get some clarity and peace.

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    francesthecat  (29-11-2015)

  12. #7
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    Hun you are not horrible in any way. I have never had a bub born sleeping, my losses were much earlier and they had a profound effect on me, I can't imagine how it has been for you. I still regularly think of my angel babies, and I believe had I held them in my arms I would feel the same emotions as you. You are already a Mum, this isn't your first daughter. And to feel so much emotion for your first child is normal.

    I second seeing a grief counsellor but please stop chastising yourself. You haven't done anything wrong

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    francesthecat  (29-11-2015)

  14. #8
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    I think you need to change the title of this thread from "horrible thoughts" to "perfectly understandable thoughts from someone who has been to hell and back".

    Go easy on yourself. Do what makes you happy and comfortable dealing with this and I second the advice of others that a grief counsellor may help.

    I hope you manage to find peace and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

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    Oh my there is nothing horrible at all in your post. Just a grieving mumma working through all these difficult moments. I think your baby's flowers & ribbons should stay out just as long as you want them to. All the best for you and your family xx

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    francesthecat  (29-11-2015)

  18. #10
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    I can't imagine what you've been through. I just want you to know that it's all normal, even if L wasn't born sleeping. Through my second pregnancy I pretty much thought I was about to give birth to DD1 again. Then even when she was born I continually called her DD1s name. Took me months for her to be her own person, and not be her sister. L was real and it's great she holds so much of your heart.

    Don't let anyone bully you into doing anything. You will know when the time is right, not them.

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