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  1. #1
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    Default Dealing with ILs (Long, sorry)

    So I guess I'm after advice on how (or even if) I should deal with my ILs...

    I'll try to keep it as concise as possible.

    ILs consist of MIL, FIL & 2 x SILs.

    - SILs have both acted very disrepectfully towards DH & I on several important occassions (wedding, DS's first xmas & birthday), which ruined these occasions for us. Even when FIL called them out on their behaviour they still refused to apologise. They are always rude and antagonistic towards DH & I, on all occasions.

    - SILs constant passive aggressive attacks on my parenting & character caused my mild PND to spiral and it took me almost 2 years to recover my sense of self worth.

    - The ILs all believe that I am keeping DS & DH from them. They are conveniently forgetting that DH has never gotten along with them and had very minimal contact with them before I came along. I told DH that his involvement with his family is entirely up to him and I would never ask him to stop seeing them. They would prefer to use me as a scapegoat than to face up to the fact that their family has a lifetime of issues to work through.

    - MIL & FIL have told DH that they think I'm lying about how often DS & I are sick, as a way of avoiding having to see them. This is not the case at all. I have never once faked an illness to get out of seeing them and I am deeply hurt about being called a liar as I really pride myself on always being honest.

    - I wondered if it was me, if I was the problem?? But then realised that they don't talk to ANY of their other family as they've fallen out with all of them, and they have very few friends. And I really analysed all of my behaviour and just couldn't honestly see where I'd gone wrong. I've always been polite, friendly and welcoming.

    So basically where I'm stuck is that, well, they're not just going to magically dissappear. And DH wants to maintain a relationship with his parents, but the sisters always invite themselves along. So how the heck do I spend the rest of my life dealing with them??

    I made a decision a long time ago that if anyone treated me badly, then I wouldn't have them in my life. But I feel like I don't have a choice about this! They're DHs family, and I don't want to get divorced....

    How do you look someone in the eye who treated you so awfully, and who you don't want anything to do with, and pretend to be nice to them?


    Any advice/tips/comiserations welcome... I know I need to deal with this. I just don't know how.

    PS. Unfortunately talking to them about it is out of the question...its been tried and they just blow up, scream, deflect blame and storm out...then a few weeks later pretend nothing happened *bangs head against wall.

  2. #2
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    i think it's a hard one. i'd see as them as least as possible and get dh to go by himself..

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by GlitterFarts View Post
    i think it's a hard one. i'd see as them as least as possible and get dh to go by himself..
    That was going to be my plan, but now FIL & MIL want to come here regularly to see DS so it's going to be hard to avoid them. Also if they know that I'm now avoiding them they'll get all upset and cause WWIII... I don't know if I just need to suck it up? Like, sometimes I feel like I'm being childish by saying I won't deal with them anymore, but if they won't sit down and have an adult discussion to clear the air and sort things out, what am I supposed to do?

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    I know 100% how you feel. 100%! I seriously could have written this! My situation ended in divorce, but I actually have a mother who is just as difficult, negative and accusatory. My advice would be to get some counselling. If these people have to be in your life, as my mother does in mine (cutting her out just isn't an option), then you need to learn ways to deal with them and counselling has been hugely helpful in that regard. The thing I tell myself is that you can't control people's actions, you can only control your reactions. Who knows why they are the way they are. Years of messed up family dynamics probably. It's not you, it's them. If they are good to DS, and you want to continue having them in your life then you need to choose not to let their behaviour affect you - disassociate from it. Counselling will help

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I really do know what it's like! Even when you learn coping strategies, there are still says it gets to you. I just take a deep breath and remind myself, it takes all kinds in this world. Everyone we meet can teach us a lesson if we're open to it at the end of the day I am grateful for my mother because she has taught me how NOT to parent!! Xx

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    I agree that I would limit how often I see them and if DH wants to maintain a relationship he should go over himself. If you're comfortable with it you can send your kids with him so they get to see your kids but you don't have to see them.

    If not then why don't you arrange to see them like monthly or fortnightly, how regularly do they want to see the kids? If it gets too much with them in your home you could always meet up at a park or for a picnic, that way you can leave when you've had enough.

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    I would actually feel very validated in spending the least amount of time possible with these people. They don't sound nice at all.

    If they're coming over to see your DH and DS, go out shopping or for a coffee, or busy yourself with some other activity so you don't feel you have to socialise with them. Get your DH to take DS for a visit at their place, or meet somewhere neutral for a catch up.

    They are delusional if they expect you to be a big part of their lives when they've treated you so poorly, so don't feel bad for avoiding them.

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    what does your DH do while they are treating you so badly?

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    Quote Originally Posted by amcyus View Post
    I know 100% how you feel. 100%! I seriously could have written this! My situation ended in divorce, but I actually have a mother who is just as difficult, negative and accusatory. My advice would be to get some counselling. If these people have to be in your life, as my mother does in mine (cutting her out just isn't an option), then you need to learn ways to deal with them and counselling has been hugely helpful in that regard. The thing I tell myself is that you can't control people's actions, you can only control your reactions. Who knows why they are the way they are. Years of messed up family dynamics probably. It's not you, it's them. If they are good to DS, and you want to continue having them in your life then you need to choose not to let their behaviour affect you - disassociate from it. Counselling will help

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I really do know what it's like! Even when you learn coping strategies, there are still says it gets to you. I just take a deep breath and remind myself, it takes all kinds in this world. Everyone we meet can teach us a lesson if we're open to it at the end of the day I am grateful for my mother because she has taught me how NOT to parent!! Xx
    Thank you!! It almost drove DH & I to divorce as we were constantly arguing about his family. When he finally realised how seriously it had affected me he has been very supportive and is happy to let me decide my own level of involvement.

    I have actually thought about counselling, just to get an unbiased third party opinion/advice. I will look into it....just thought I'd try bubhub first as it's cheaper than therapy! Lol

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mama Mirabelle View Post
    I agree that I would limit how often I see them and if DH wants to maintain a relationship he should go over himself. If you're comfortable with it you can send your kids with him so they get to see your kids but you don't have to see them.
    Thanks As much as I don't want to see MIL & FIL, I would almost rather they come here than DH takes DS there, as if he goes there the SILs will turn up. I just don't want DS around such awful people (the SILs) as I don't want him to see his daddy being spoken to like that or treated badly. I don't want him to think it's ever ok or normal to treat your own family (or anyone) like that. But I also know I can't shelter him for the rest of his life...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    what does your DH do while they are treating you so badly?
    In the past it was usually either while he wasn't there or if it was he didn't want to cause a scene so we'd just make an excuse and leave. They do the same to him, but he's so used to it that he never used to really react. He said it's only been since he's spent so much time around my family and now that we have our own little family that he realised that the way they were treating him was not ok and he didn't have to put up with it. That's when he decided to start cutting contact.

    They have said some unforgivable things to him and about him, I don't know how he can even be in the same room as them honestly. But they're his family...


    ETA - that's why we almost ended up divorced, I didn't feel like he was sticking up for me enough. He was just so desensitised to it :/


 

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