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  1. #81
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    I can't believe how judgemental some people are being. Parenting is hard enough as it is & I wish women were more supportive of each other, even when people make different choices from one another.

    I truly believe it is hard on both sides & it's tricky when a relationship changes once a baby comes along. It makes both people uncertain & adjusting to & finding new roles can be difficult too.

    I know DH & I are still adjusting since having our dd & we probably will be for quite some time yet.

    I'm very lucky to have a while off work while he is back doing full time shift work.

    I know long his days can be & are draining & I don't want to be going to work. I've gotten cranky when I've had an incredibly long day with a cranky baby & I get a text from him saying he's going to the gym after work or sometimes he gets home & doesn't want to do much after a long day at work. But he is a parent just as much as I am & that's a conversation we've recently had which surprisingly went down pretty good & we were able to have a good chat about it. He saw my side if I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed & he spent all day with a cranky baby & doing housework.

    Looking after a child no matter what age can be difficult & the day just goes by so fast. Even before we had a baby & I had a day off the day flew by & was gone before I knew it! So it only takes having to duck up town to do a few things like food shopping to turn into an hour or two & some cleaning & day is over.

    I think it's great that you're able to have dd in day care during the week. I have a couple of friends who do the same thing too. It's great for the kids to socialise & keeps their routine the same.

    It's hard sometimes staying at home. Sometimes I get a little jealous that DH goes to work, can sit in the quiet & have a coffee & can go out to lunch if he wishes without any kids. Being at home you never get a break, a lunch time or a quiet drive to/from work without the kids & I think it's easy for partners to forget this.

    And the last thing I want to say is, those days would go by so quickly just doing errands & housework. I really hope you are able to use one of the days to do something for yourself because you deserve it And if anyone wants to say anything negative about that I would say they're jealous.

    FTM, I hope you can talk to your DH about it. It's hard when feeling like he doesn't appreciate things or takes you for granted. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about daycare.

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  3. #82
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    Default Fighting with your spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    as far as I can see, when you're both childless/working fulltime, the division of chores is usually (or should be) split 50/50.

    when a child comes along, the division of chores (imo anyway) should remain 50/50.

    what's changed? mum now has a new "fulltime job" (aka bub) and dad is still going to his old fulltime job.

    it's that simple.

    just because mum isn't going into the office and bringing home the big bucks doesn't make what she's now doing any less important. you both signed up to this gig when you decided to have a child. at what point does dad get off thinking "well wifey is at home, I get a free ride from here on in". no. sorry, it just doesn't work that way.

    I dunno, maybe there needs to be more communication leading up to this before bubs is born. like to manage expectations etc.

    sorry OP, not terribly helpful to you right now but just putting my 2c in.

    I'd just make a time to both talk this through, and not when you're in an argument/feeling resentful. make a time to go out for breakfast or coffee together just you two and try and talk it through. it's really unfair he's not doing his share.
    I personally don't think it matters what the "arrangements" are as long as both parties are happy.

    Before we had kids, we lived in a tiny 2 bedroom house that we bought as our first home. My husband used to work Saturdays so I would spend Saturday morning cleaning which I didn't think was unfair. During the week the house didn't get messy and my husband would wash up because I cooked and my hours were much shorter than his. They still are. I've only worked part time since having kids. I was working only 2 days a week when I had one child. I honestly didn't mind doing majority of the cleaning on the days I wasn't working as it was easy to do most of it with only one child. Now I've got 3 children and working 3 days a week I sure as ship think it's only fair my husband does his fair share. We have a cleaner anyway but my husband will cook if he's home and I'm out at the kids' sport or activities. He washes up, hangs washing out, etc.
    Last edited by BigRedV; 31-10-2015 at 18:42.

  4. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rocky27 View Post
    I can't believe how judgemental some people are being. Parenting is hard enough as it is & I wish women were more supportive of each other, even when people make different choices from one another.

    I truly believe it is hard on both sides & it's tricky when a relationship changes once a baby comes along. It makes both people uncertain & adjusting to & finding new roles can be difficult too.

    I know DH & I are still adjusting since having our dd & we probably will be for quite some time yet.

    I'm very lucky to have a while off work while he is back doing full time shift work.

    I know long his days can be & are draining & I don't want to be going to work. I've gotten cranky when I've had an incredibly long day with a cranky baby & I get a text from him saying he's going to the gym after work or sometimes he gets home & doesn't want to do much after a long day at work. But he is a parent just as much as I am & that's a conversation we've recently had which surprisingly went down pretty good & we were able to have a good chat about it. He saw my side if I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed & he spent all day with a cranky baby & doing housework.

    Looking after a child no matter what age can be difficult & the day just goes by so fast. Even before we had a baby & I had a day off the day flew by & was gone before I knew it! So it only takes having to duck up town to do a few things like food shopping to turn into an hour or two & some cleaning & day is over.

    I think it's great that you're able to have dd in day care during the week. I have a couple of friends who do the same thing too. It's great for the kids to socialise & keeps their routine the same.

    It's hard sometimes staying at home. Sometimes I get a little jealous that DH goes to work, can sit in the quiet & have a coffee & can go out to lunch if he wishes without any kids. Being at home you never get a break, a lunch time or a quiet drive to/from work without the kids & I think it's easy for partners to forget this.

    And the last thing I want to say is, those days would go by so quickly just doing errands & housework. I really hope you are able to use one of the days to do something for yourself because you deserve it And if anyone wants to say anything negative about that I would say they're jealous.

    FTM, I hope you can talk to your DH about it. It's hard when feeling like he doesn't appreciate things or takes you for granted. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about daycare.
    😘😘😘

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  6. #84
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    Op my dh and I have very similar arguments. For me it's more the appreciation as well. He doesn't do anything around the house at all and tends to leave things where he drops them. Add to that we only had one car for a while and live in an area with limited public transport which left me feeling housebound and isolated.

    My ds doesn't go to cc which is yet another argument as I'm struggling to find the time for my studying between ds, the house and maintaining the yard and gardens. When I say I do everything I mean literally everything. He went through a period of low work and is now working 14 hour days trying to get his business off the ground.

    I don't have any advice as I'm struggling with these arguments as well but I just want you to know that your definitely not alone

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    Hey OP my first thought is it's all in the messaging. Sometimes in real life we seem to speak too freely - honest, however not taking into account what the other person may be thinking or feeling.

    Sometimes at home I have to check myself. My first instinct may be to say "what the heck are you thinking! What as stupid thing to do, don't you think of the repercussions before you act?!." However I try to think how I would get my views across if I was at work. I wouldn't get away with that degree of honesty at work - it may upset someone.. And I may get fired. So I try and anticipate what hubby may thinking and what concerns he may have when I say my two cents and go from them.
    A "it's a dificult situation, not sure I would have chosen the same path, however I can see why you may have. Would you like a hand cleaning up?" Would likely raise less prickles from DH while still getting my point accross.

  9. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Hey OP my first thought is it's all in the messaging. Sometimes in real life we seem to speak too freely - honest, however not taking into account what the other person may be thinking or feeling.

    Sometimes at home I have to check myself. My first instinct may be to say "what the heck are you thinking! What as stupid thing to do, don't you think of the repercussions before you act?!." However I try to think how I would get my views across if I was at work. I wouldn't get away with that degree of honesty at work - it may upset someone.. And I may get fired. So I try and anticipate what hubby may thinking and what concerns he may have when I say my two cents and go from them.
    A "it's a dificult situation, not sure I would have chosen the same path, however I can see why you may have. Would you like a hand cleaning up?" Would likely raise less prickles from DH while still getting my point accross.
    I think you're absolutely right!
    I would never speak to someone at work as I do to DH 😔
    It's so so hard.
    This marriage stuff is hard work.

  10. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I think you're absolutely right!
    I would never speak to someone at work as I do to DH 😔
    It's so so hard.
    This marriage stuff is hard work.
    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Hey OP my first thought is it's all in the messaging. Sometimes in real life we seem to speak too freely - honest, however not taking into account what the other person may be thinking or feeling.

    Sometimes at home I have to check myself. My first instinct may be to say "what the heck are you thinking! What as stupid thing to do, don't you think of the repercussions before you act?!." However I try to think how I would get my views across if I was at work. I wouldn't get away with that degree of honesty at work - it may upset someone.. And I may get fired. So I try and anticipate what hubby may thinking and what concerns he may have when I say my two cents and go from them.
    A "it's a dificult situation, not sure I would have chosen the same path, however I can see why you may have. Would you like a hand cleaning up?" Would likely raise less prickles from DH while still getting my point accross.
    I've been reading along but haven't had much to say. I think sometimes it's ok to be completely honest with your partner. dh and I saw a counsellor a few months ago and she said this is actually a good thing - it means you are comfortable enough in your relationship to say everything that is on your mind uncensored! Now, I'm not saying this is a good way to communicate but be careful not to bottle up your feelings, maybe just find a more effective way to communicate them.

  11. #88
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    I hear you. My partner and I fight a fair bit. I'd say it's predominantly my fault as I have a low self esteem and have lots of insecurity issues. My partner is a good man, and is a great step parent to my two children. I am 21 weeks along with my third and his first, and I am feeling pretty yuck about myself in general. Like when I first found out I was pregnant, we were living apart as we were reassessing our relationship. We do love each other very much, but we felt like we weren't getting anywhere...I do see a psychologist who helps me but I think if I liked myself a lot more, we would not have as many problems as we do. He is very good to me and helps me a lot, and I appreciate him, it's just that I don't feel good about myself.

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    I have the same, ongoing argument perhaps every month or so. I work 3 days a week (soon to be 4/week from mid November). I love my job and enjoy work days. DH is in a very stressful job with long hours.
    I try and support him so when he gets home esp. On my non-work days everything is done.
    I make meals from scratch 3 times a day for everyone, all shopping, all planning, all finances, remembering birthdays etcetera, cleaning and 90% of daycare drop offs and pick ups
    I get annoyed with not being appreciated. I don't mind doing the cooking for example, but when I've spent 2 hours in the kitchen and DH doesn't even say thanks (halfway through the meal I sarcastically say 'thanks wife that was lovely'.. Passive aggressive I know)
    It really winds me up. I'm do so many things he doesn't even see or notice eg changing sheets, washing, cleaning disgusting high chair.. Things he would never initiate doing in a million years- because I actually do believe he doesn't notice.
    So frustrating. I don't have any advice and it's an ongoing issue in my marriage but just wanted you to know you are not alone OP

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    Default Fighting with your spouse

    I think we all just slip into complacency and when both partners are busy and tired, it's easy not to notice. not saying it's ok, just making an observation.

    surely there must be ways to reconnect and show appreciation for one another? I feel like a lot of marriages suffer because of the day to day resentment from each partner feeling taken for granted and their efforts unacknowledged.

    to the previous poster, a question: what are you and hubby discussing when you're sitting down to eat? have you asked him about his day? not saying he's correct in not thanking you for the meal you've prepared and put down in front of him, but maybe he's wrecked, stressed to the max and had rough day? he might be secretly hoping you'll ask how his day was so he can vent and unwind?

    it does go both ways. do you thank your spouse/show gratitude for his efforts? maybe the guys are feeling under appreciated too? that they go off for 10-12+ hours per day and come home and nobody even asks how their day went?

    sorry not trying to sound like some relic from the 1950s but I think it's good to remember it goes both ways too. men are fragile humans too and probably want the same consideration we do

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