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  1. #31
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    It seems to me that a point in the OP is being overlooked here, which is that she doesn't feel appreciated. Presumably this is on all days of the week?

    Did you feel so up until two weeks ago, or has this been going on for longer?

    If so, this is really basic childish psychology really, but instead of starting a negative conversation about it (when he is likely to feel defensive), you could try a two-pronged attack: firstly, model the behaviour you'd like to see, and secondly, catch him being good.

    So if there's a time when he is appreciative, you could wait a little while and bring it up later with 'you know, when you (for example) complimented my gravy tonight that made me feel really good. Thank you.' Offer him your affection and attention in return.

    It's more of a chance that responding positively to him will change his behaviour than him changing it after conflict or under perceived duress.

    I hope that makes sense/is relevant.

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  3. #32
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    I think who does what around the house and who works how many hours is all a bit irrelevant. I might have this wrong but I don't really think you are saying you want him to do more. He has said he doesn't want you to work. So really both of you are reasonably happy with the current division of labour but you both need to feel more appreciated for what you do. That is more then reasonable. The daily/weekly/monthly grind of a young family can be so draining. You are both so focused on what you are doing that you are forgetting to plug back into your partner. I think your arguments start because you just need a little pat on the back for all you do but your husband obviously needs a little boost too so he doesnt say what you need to hear and then it just turns into a big competition about who works harder.
    I don't know the answer but I don't think you should focus on what you/he is doing but more on how you are both feeling. Be kind to each other. Say nice things and put some focus on what the other one does that you do appreciate and see if that helps. Good luck. As a mum of a toddler and a baby I am not at all surprised that many marriages do not last. It is freaking hard! X

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  5. #33
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    It seems to me that a point in the OP is being overlooked here, which is that she doesn't feel appreciated. Presumably this is on all days of the week?

    Did you feel so up until two weeks ago, or has this been going on for longer?

    If so, this is really basic childish psychology really, but instead of starting a negative conversation about it (when he is likely to feel defensive), you could try a two-pronged attack: firstly, model the behaviour you'd like to see, and secondly, catch him being good.

    So if there's a time when he is appreciative, you could wait a little while and bring it up later with 'you know, when you (for example) complimented my gravy tonight that made me feel really good. Thank you.' Offer him your affection and attention in return.

    It's more of a chance that responding positively to him will change his behaviour than him changing it after conflict or under perceived duress.

    I hope that makes sense/is relevant.
    Love this post.

    My initial thoughts from the op was that the op keeps approaching the matter with her dh in the same way and expecting a different result. Op, is it possible that your dh thinks that he is showing appreciation for you but because the message isn't coming how you want it to be delivered, you are missing it? Perhaps a change of approach as Harvs suggested might get you further. You can tell him how much you appreciate him, or show it with a meal or a massage, but do it when he is in a good place and be sincere, don't compliment him so he compliments you.

    Is it possible that he feels that the fact that he works is hour he does his appreciation for you? I know many men who do think that way.

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    I think perhaps your communication skills might need a bit of tweaking? It could be as simple as using "I statements" instead of accusatory words or even figuring out your love languages (I KNOW how lame I sound right now!)
    It sounds like you both have a lot of love there so best of luck to you xxx

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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    I think perhaps your communication skills might need a bit of tweaking? It could be as simple as using "I statements" instead of accusatory words or even figuring out your love languages (I KNOW how lame I sound right now!)
    It sounds like you both have a lot of love there so best of luck to you xxx
    It's not lame! I think the Love Languages book has a lot to offer and has simple techniques to bring into a relationship. I agree with the few previous posters, I think it's not a division of labour problem, more a communication one and maybe both parties are feeling underappreciated for what they do.

    In our house my DH works very long hours and I do 100% of everything do with running our household except the lawns, even though I also work full-time, but I work from home so it is easier. We have a mutual appreciation society going on - I will thank him for what he contributes, for working so hard, for looking after us financially, when he does the lawns I say thank you that looks fantastic. It's not fake, I just acknowledge his efforts - and it comes back. He always compliments me on dinner, even when I think it's pretty ordinary And he really appreciates that he can focus on his business and not have to get up of a morning and wonder where his socks are or if he has a shirt ironed. I make life smooth for him and he is grateful for it, and he works really hard to earn the finances that make life smooth for me.

    So maybe there's something to work on there to both gain a new perspective of each other and what you are contributing to the relationship by what you are doing each day. It is early days if things have only changed recently, and counseling could definitely help to just tweak the way you both communicate so that you don't get stuck in that cycle. Good luck, it's great that you see the problem and know it has to change to have a great relationship.

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  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Summer View Post
    It's not lame! I think the Love Languages book has a lot to offer and has simple techniques to bring into a relationship. I agree with the few previous posters, I think it's not a division of labour problem, more a communication one and maybe both parties are feeling underappreciated for what they do.

    In our house my DH works very long hours and I do 100% of everything do with running our household except the lawns, even though I also work full-time, but I work from home so it is easier. We have a mutual appreciation society going on - I will thank him for what he contributes, for working so hard, for looking after us financially, when he does the lawns I say thank you that looks fantastic. It's not fake, I just acknowledge his efforts - and it comes back. He always compliments me on dinner, even when I think it's pretty ordinary And he really appreciates that he can focus on his business and not have to get up of a morning and wonder where his socks are or if he has a shirt ironed. I make life smooth for him and he is grateful for it, and he works really hard to earn the finances that make life smooth for me.

    So maybe there's something to work on there to both gain a new perspective of each other and what you are contributing to the relationship by what you are doing each day. It is early days if things have only changed recently, and counseling could definitely help to just tweak the way you both communicate so that you don't get stuck in that cycle. Good luck, it's great that you see the problem and know it has to change to have a great relationship.
    This is a genuine question so please excuse me if it doesn't come out right. Don't you think for a moment ever, "Hang on a second, I work full time too. What makes him so special that I have to do everything for him and he has a sweet life where everything is done for him?"
    Don't you think you deserve to have your underwear folded for you too? Why does he get that done for him but it doesn't get done for you?
    In all honesty, reading your post made me a little mad. Not at you. At the fact that in my opinion, it's lazy to me that a husband expects everything done for him even though you both work full time. I can't get my head around that. I have to say, your post has put some perspective on my situation.
    I don't know how you can't harbour resentment when you do all the inside chores and all he does is mow the lawns. That would make me livid.
    How is that equal?

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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    I think perhaps your communication skills might need a bit of tweaking? It could be as simple as using "I statements" instead of accusatory words or even figuring out your love languages (I KNOW how lame I sound right now!)
    It sounds like you both have a lot of love there so best of luck to you xxx
    Not lame at all. I've heard that book referenced far too many times to ignore it now. I'm going to buy myself a copy on iBooks right now. Thank you x

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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    This is a genuine question so please excuse me if it doesn't come out right. Don't you think for a moment ever, "Hang on a second, I work full time too. What makes him so special that I have to do everything for him and he has a sweet life where everything is done for him?"
    Don't you think you deserve to have your underwear folded for you too? Why does he get that done for him but it doesn't get done for you?
    In all honesty, reading your post made me a little mad. Not at you. At the fact that in my opinion, it's lazy to me that a husband expects everything done for him even though you both work full time. I can't get my head around that. I have to say, your post has put some perspective on my situation.
    I don't know how you can't harbour resentment when you do all the inside chores and all he does is mow the lawns. That would make me livid.
    How is that equal?
    Yep! Totally get where you are coming from and yes, at times I do struggle with that and see that there is definitely some inequality in the division of labour in our household. However, I probably didn't explain enough of the details - my business has been scaled back while I finish writing a book - so even though I am doing a lot of work at the moment, it isn't bringing in much of an income right now. So my DH pays me a wage from his company that allows me to maintain my business and finish writing. It wasn't always this way - my business was very successful, but I've deliberately scaled it back to allow for another part of it to be developed.

    So because I'm not fixed in the hours that I work or have to answer to anyone, I can manage my time to encompass both. Essentially, we do the same hours - mine is just taken up with a mix of work and household chores, DH is just work. So for example I might work forty hours a week plus twenty five hours of household chores, and he works for sixty five hours. So there is balance there if that makes sense?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Summer View Post
    Yep! Totally get where you are coming from and yes, at times I do struggle with that and see that there is definitely some inequality in the division of labour in our household. However, I probably didn't explain enough of the details - my business has been scaled back while I finish writing a book - so even though I am doing a lot of work at the moment, it isn't bringing in much of an income right now. So my DH pays me a wage from his company that allows me to maintain my business and finish writing. It wasn't always this way - my business was very successful, but I've deliberately scaled it back to allow for another part of it to be developed.

    So because I'm not fixed in the hours that I work or have to answer to anyone, I can manage my time to encompass both. Essentially, we do the same hours - mine is just taken up with a mix of work and household chores, DH is just work. So for example I might work forty hours a week plus twenty five hours of household chores, and he works for sixty five hours. So there is balance there if that makes sense?
    Yes it makes sense 😊
    With the added information it does sound more fair, but still not equal, you know?
    I just wonder how you're okay with it. What do you tell yourself?
    I find that part really hard within me. I used to iron DH's shirts, prep his lunch etc and he'd say thank you but I found myself becoming resentful. Thinking to myself, "Well hang on, when does he ever make me lunch?"
    Writing that I can totally see how petty and immature it sounds. I know I should do it without expecting anything in return and yaddah yaddah yaddah, but I don't know how! 😔
    I have needs too and I don't feel they get met. So when DH's needs are being met, and mine aren't, is when I find resentment takes control and all communicating goes out the window.
    Our situations are very similar. I was running a business from home also that I majorly scaled back on due to many reasons. DH was supportive of it as in funding the business but treated it like a hobby. I was never going to bring in the kind of income he does so he always made comments like "your hobby business isn't a real business".
    I think what it comes down to is I don't feel respected and neither does he. He treats my life like its a walk in the park and easy compared to his, and I get angry and treat his life as "well so you should be supporting us".
    I'm rambling.
    I see I still have a lot of work to do.

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    Quote Originally Posted by NoteToSelf View Post
    Honestly if the tables were turned and my DH had 3 days a week to himself I'd expect everything to be done too.
    When you put it like that, so would I ..


 

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