Thought I would add my anecdote. DD is only 27 months, but in that time we have tried the following: me at home full time while DH worked, DH at home full time while I worked, both of us home and work part time (but never had a day at home together) and currently I work 4 days and DH is FIFO. So we don't see DH much, but when he is here he takes over a lot of the household things.
We have never really followed the 50/50 split, it really depends on who could do what needed to be done. Sometimes I do more, sometimes DH does. As long as you communicate and are both happy with the work load allocation. Some days everyone is going to be unhappy as their really isn't enough hours in the day to do everything, so the art of compromise and determining what is actually important is key. DH couldn't really care to much about a spotless house, so I started to wonder why it was so important to me. We let our cleaning slip a bit (it is still presentable just not trying to be a show home) and we are a lot happier.
Also I am the main breadwinner in our house and the one with the most stable job. So I can see your DHs side as well. It is a lot of pressure on me knowing that if I don't perform at work our circumstances could change significantly. The family really is relying on my job and yet sometimes that isn't appreciated enough for my liking. Sure I should appreciate DH for mopping the floor, but seriously I stressed out all day and stayed late to try and keep the roof over our head. But I also know what it is like to spend a whole day in the house with a toddler and the major achievement that cleaning the floors can be.
Parenting, it's a tough gig.
Totally agree with the men being fragile comment. I feel I cope a lot better with day to day life than DH does. When DD was waking during the night and I was getting up to her while DH slept, I coped fine and he was the one that constantly complained that he was tired
I think a lot of women have it drilled into us by society that you need to find a man who will treat you like a queen. the other side of that coin is the queen needs to treat her man like a king 😊
It really does boil down to mutual appreciation, but also its about acknowledging the weight and importance of what each other does for the family. Staying home full time caring for a child/ren is incredibly important and challenging and just a tough, thankless gig. But so is working full time long hours, knowing that the entire family is depending on you to not just show up at work, but perform well and keep the roof over everyone's heads, bills paid, and generally maintain that level of income if not improve it over time. It's especially hard if you're also doing things like getting up in the night to sick little ones, ferrying little people to/from childcare en route to work, fielding calls from your frazzled partner whilst juggling a stressful workday, and feeling added pressure of domestic duties on someone else's timeline. Having been in both situations myself, I don't think one role is more important than the other, but I think being able to appreciate the challenges of both has helped both DH and I appreciate each other more.
Also someone mentioned earlier that partners who work need to appreciate that they get to go out to lunch as they please, drink coffee uninterrupted, and generally have breaks and time to themselves during the workday... I can assure you my job isn't like that and in today's corporate world, I don't know any people who are in jobs that pay enough to support a whole family who are in that position either. When I worked as an admin, yes I used to work hard but I didn't have anywhere near the level of accountability that I do now, so if something doesn't get done, or isn't completed to a high enough standard by deadline, then it will be me working through my lunch break or late into the evening to make sure I keep my job!
Another point- it took me a long time to realise that H just does not see things that need to be done.
E.g. he will notice dishes and the bins, but laundry is not on his radar. He knows what a brush and mop are, but has never picked one up.
He will clean the kitchen- to him that means dishes, bins, and a general tidy. To me it means dishes, bins, general tidy, counter tops and stove top, and floor.
Some people (not just men) just do not see things the way others do.
I would never notice when books/cds etc are out of place, he will.
ETA: In the interest of fairness, I should point out that I have to ask him repeatedly to do any of those things though... even the ones I know he does see.
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