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  1. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    sorry not trying to sound like some relic from the 1950s but I think it's good to remember it goes both ways too. men are fragile humans too and probably want the same consideration we do
    Yes I'm only just today starting to discover this very important point! 😊

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  3. #92
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    Thought I would add my anecdote. DD is only 27 months, but in that time we have tried the following: me at home full time while DH worked, DH at home full time while I worked, both of us home and work part time (but never had a day at home together) and currently I work 4 days and DH is FIFO. So we don't see DH much, but when he is here he takes over a lot of the household things.

    We have never really followed the 50/50 split, it really depends on who could do what needed to be done. Sometimes I do more, sometimes DH does. As long as you communicate and are both happy with the work load allocation. Some days everyone is going to be unhappy as their really isn't enough hours in the day to do everything, so the art of compromise and determining what is actually important is key. DH couldn't really care to much about a spotless house, so I started to wonder why it was so important to me. We let our cleaning slip a bit (it is still presentable just not trying to be a show home) and we are a lot happier.

    Also I am the main breadwinner in our house and the one with the most stable job. So I can see your DHs side as well. It is a lot of pressure on me knowing that if I don't perform at work our circumstances could change significantly. The family really is relying on my job and yet sometimes that isn't appreciated enough for my liking. Sure I should appreciate DH for mopping the floor, but seriously I stressed out all day and stayed late to try and keep the roof over our head. But I also know what it is like to spend a whole day in the house with a toddler and the major achievement that cleaning the floors can be.

    Parenting, it's a tough gig.

  4. #93
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    Default Fighting with your spouse

    Totally agree with the men being fragile comment. I feel I cope a lot better with day to day life than DH does. When DD was waking during the night and I was getting up to her while DH slept, I coped fine and he was the one that constantly complained that he was tired

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  6. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Smurfy View Post
    Totally agree with the men being fragile comment. I feel I cope a lot better with day to day life than DH does. When DD was waking during the night and I was getting up to her while DH slept, I coped fine and he was the one that constantly complained that he was tired
    I agree too. It's surprising how well DP responds to a little smooch and a cuddle and a "How was your day?". I guess it's a non verbal way of showing love.

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  8. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    I think we all just slip into complacency and when both partners are busy and tired, it's easy not to notice. not saying it's ok, just making an observation.

    surely there must be ways to reconnect and show appreciation for one another? I feel like a lot of marriages suffer because of the day to day resentment from each partner feeling taken for granted and their efforts unacknowledged.

    to the previous poster, a question: what are you and hubby discussing when you're sitting down to eat? have you asked him about his day? not saying he's correct in not thanking you for the meal you've prepared and put down in front of him, but maybe he's wrecked, stressed to the max and had rough day? he might be secretly hoping you'll ask how his day was so he can vent and unwind?

    it does go both ways. do you thank your spouse/show gratitude for his efforts? maybe the guys are feeling under appreciated too? that they go off for 10-12+ hours per day and come home and nobody even asks how their day went?

    sorry not trying to sound like some relic from the 1950s but I think it's good to remember it goes both ways too. men are fragile humans too and probably want the same consideration we do
    I so agree with this. I think sometimes as women we just expect that the partner will just deal with it and take them for granted. I do acknowledge my partner for stuff and thank him for doing stuff and ask him how his day went at work and stuff. I also let him know that if he ever wants to talk about stuff, I am there to listen. I told my partner that I am ****scared about going through birth again, and he admitted that he is ****scared about becoming a father, as this will be his first.

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  10. #96
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    Default Fighting with your spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by Marchbundle View Post
    I so agree with this. I think sometimes as women we just expect that the partner will just deal with it and take them for granted. I do acknowledge my partner for stuff and thank him for doing stuff and ask him how his day went at work and stuff. I also let him know that if he ever wants to talk about stuff, I am there to listen. I told my partner that I am ****scared about going through birth again, and he admitted that he is ****scared about becoming a father, as this will be his first.
    I try and make a real effort to show appreciation to my dh too. both verbal and not verbal. it can even be stuff like making his breakfast in the morning or taking out his breakfast ingredients. or just asking if he slept ok, has his headache from last night disappeared etc. just little things that I enjoy him doing/asking about/noticing with me. it's the small stuff that creates intimacy and that creates a good platform for the mutual kindness to each other to keep breeding.

    I think a lot of women have it drilled into us by society that you need to find a man who will treat you like a queen. the other side of that coin is the queen needs to treat her man like a king 😊

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  12. #97
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    here here!

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  14. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    I try and make a real effort to show appreciation to my dh too. both verbal and not verbal. it can even be stuff like making his breakfast in the morning or taking out his breakfast ingredients. or just asking if he slept ok, has his headache from last night disappeared etc. just little things that I enjoy him doing/asking about/noticing with me. it's the small stuff that creates intimacy and that creates a good platform for the mutual kindness to each other to keep breeding.

    I think a lot of women have it drilled into us by society that you need to find a man who will treat you like a queen. the other side of that coin is the queen needs to treat her man like a king 😊
    Agreed! If everything is truly 'equal' then these things go both ways too. Your relationship is not your housework, your duties, your responsibilities. These things are just a part of life, they're what you'd be doing anyway even without a partner. When you settle down, have children and make a home for yourself, especially when one partner doesn't work as much, it can become all too easy to place too much importance on these things when they're all you're faced with day in, day out. And like I said in a previous post, I used to be exactly the same way. I was also raised by a very old fashioned SAHM who still to this day gets her sense of self worth from how clean & tidy her house & yard is, she pretty much raised us to believe that's our lot in life and we're failing as people if our lawns haven't been mowed 😄. I definitely took those attitudes into my first marriage without realising it and felt so much pressure to be the 'perfect' housewife, then would get angry at my husband because he didn't appreciate all I was doing. When really I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it because I had been raised to believe all that stuff was important. It's really not! He couldn't have cared less. My standards have relaxed so much and I'm so much happier for it. The housework gets done, yes it's mostly me who does it but that's fine, like I said I'm home more and I like things relatively tidy and I choose to be that way. But it's not the be all and end all. Also in my house, if things aren't done by the time DD is in bed then they don't get done. That's strictly our time Good luck OP, this life stuff isn't easy to navigate!

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  16. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Nette View Post
    Thought I would add my anecdote. DD is only 27 months, but in that time we have tried the following: me at home full time while DH worked, DH at home full time while I worked, both of us home and work part time (but never had a day at home together) and currently I work 4 days and DH is FIFO. So we don't see DH much, but when he is here he takes over a lot of the household things.

    We have never really followed the 50/50 split, it really depends on who could do what needed to be done. Sometimes I do more, sometimes DH does. As long as you communicate and are both happy with the work load allocation. Some days everyone is going to be unhappy as their really isn't enough hours in the day to do everything, so the art of compromise and determining what is actually important is key. DH couldn't really care to much about a spotless house, so I started to wonder why it was so important to me. We let our cleaning slip a bit (it is still presentable just not trying to be a show home) and we are a lot happier.

    Also I am the main breadwinner in our house and the one with the most stable job. So I can see your DHs side as well. It is a lot of pressure on me knowing that if I don't perform at work our circumstances could change significantly. The family really is relying on my job and yet sometimes that isn't appreciated enough for my liking. Sure I should appreciate DH for mopping the floor, but seriously I stressed out all day and stayed late to try and keep the roof over our head. But I also know what it is like to spend a whole day in the house with a toddler and the major achievement that cleaning the floors can be.

    Parenting, it's a tough gig.
    Oh I could have written almost this exact same response myself.

    It really does boil down to mutual appreciation, but also its about acknowledging the weight and importance of what each other does for the family. Staying home full time caring for a child/ren is incredibly important and challenging and just a tough, thankless gig. But so is working full time long hours, knowing that the entire family is depending on you to not just show up at work, but perform well and keep the roof over everyone's heads, bills paid, and generally maintain that level of income if not improve it over time. It's especially hard if you're also doing things like getting up in the night to sick little ones, ferrying little people to/from childcare en route to work, fielding calls from your frazzled partner whilst juggling a stressful workday, and feeling added pressure of domestic duties on someone else's timeline. Having been in both situations myself, I don't think one role is more important than the other, but I think being able to appreciate the challenges of both has helped both DH and I appreciate each other more.

    Also someone mentioned earlier that partners who work need to appreciate that they get to go out to lunch as they please, drink coffee uninterrupted, and generally have breaks and time to themselves during the workday... I can assure you my job isn't like that and in today's corporate world, I don't know any people who are in jobs that pay enough to support a whole family who are in that position either. When I worked as an admin, yes I used to work hard but I didn't have anywhere near the level of accountability that I do now, so if something doesn't get done, or isn't completed to a high enough standard by deadline, then it will be me working through my lunch break or late into the evening to make sure I keep my job!

  17. #100
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    Another point- it took me a long time to realise that H just does not see things that need to be done.
    E.g. he will notice dishes and the bins, but laundry is not on his radar. He knows what a brush and mop are, but has never picked one up.
    He will clean the kitchen- to him that means dishes, bins, and a general tidy. To me it means dishes, bins, general tidy, counter tops and stove top, and floor.

    Some people (not just men) just do not see things the way others do.
    I would never notice when books/cds etc are out of place, he will.

    ETA: In the interest of fairness, I should point out that I have to ask him repeatedly to do any of those things though... even the ones I know he does see.

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