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  1. #1
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    Default Confused about voilence

    I have been with my husband for 10 years married for a few of those. We have a 1 year old and I have been diagnosed with post natal depression and ocd, both leads me to a path of negative and paranoid thinking. I accused my husband of cheating after discovering messages which eluded to him flirting and perhaps 'hooking up' (not sexual) with another woman while away for work.

    We had a huge fight about this and he said I should leave if I don't trust him. So I decided to leave but wanted to take our daugther with me. He said no and forcebly grabbed me from our dining table and threw me on our bed. Later on when I was holding our daugther he squeeze me arms so hard so that I would let go of her. Both times have now lead me to have bruises on my arm.

    When asked he said he didn't think I was mentally fit to look after our daugther and so he needed to get me away from her. Hence the above.

    Long story short we 'made up' for the time being but I don't know if this is considered abuse or if he could be genuinely worried about our daugther.

    Need advice.

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    SuperGranny's Avatar
    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    he could be genuinely worried about your daughter, but if he has grabbed you with enough force to leave bruising on your arm, I would say that is definitely abuse. is there a possibility of counselling for you both? You are aware of your pnd, and your tendency for paranoid thinking, are you getting help with that?? I would be seeking some sort of mental health program, and trying to avoid any confrontations in the future. marie

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    I couldn't read and not post. It sounds to me like domestic violence. Regardless of his "reason" he handled you hard enough to leave bruises. I hope you have taken photos of the bruises.

    Even if you two have made up now, I think you should have some kind of escape plan. Even if you don't use it - it's better to be safe than sorry.

    Domestic violence always starts somewhere. This may not be it, maybe it is the start. I don't know. All I know is that you need to feel safe and loved for both yourself and your baby.

    Hopefully someone can give you better help.

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    I would consider that abuse! Throwing you one time and squeezing you so hard another that has left bruising is not on. Asking to put your daughter down would be the proper way to deal with it. What happened if you dropped your daughter while he was doing this?
    Has he done anything like this before? Ever put a hand on you? For it to esculate this fast, one would think he has something to hide and blaming it on your PND instead?

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    Of course it's abuse. Both physical and emotional. I'm assuming you have the primary carer role? Funny that when together he doesn't worry about your mental health affecting how you care for your daughter but the minute you want to leave you are unfit.

    Are you being medicated for the PND and OCD?

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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    He sounds extremely manipulative. He's also gaslighting (if you haven't heard of this term please look it up) you by trying to make out like you're unstable and an unfit mother; and with your current mental state he seems to be close to achieving this, as your post indicates that you are now questioning yourself, the situation and believing/being caught in his abusive trap. He's scared and sounds desperate and should never, ever, lay his hands on you, whether it be squeezing your arms (while you were holding the baby!) or throwing you across the room. It's abuse and indicates that HE is the unstable one.
    You haven't done a thing wrong, why on earth would he be texting another woman about "hooking up" anyway? That's an absolute deal breaker.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Life is Good View Post
    I couldn't read and not post. It sounds to me like domestic violence. Regardless of his "reason" he handled you hard enough to leave bruises. I hope you have taken photos of the bruises.

    Even if you two have made up now, I think you should have some kind of escape plan. Even if you don't use it - it's better to be safe than sorry.

    Domestic violence always starts somewhere. This may not be it, maybe it is the start. I don't know. All I know is that you need to feel safe and loved for both yourself and your baby.

    Hopefully someone can give you better help.
    This.

    I would definitely class this as abuse. Get a plan in place should you decide to leave. I don't know that I would trust him alone with your daughter after what he did to you when he got angry.

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    Thanks for all your comments so far. They have given me a lot to think about. It's strange how when you're not in the predicament you know exactly what you would do but when you are actually in the situation you don't and can't think with clarity.


    Yes I am in anti depressants and also seeing a therapist. I'm working on it. Despite this, I know 100% I am a great mum. One can always be better but there is no doubt I am a great mum to my daugther.

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    Default Confused about voilence

    Whoa, can we please tread carefully here? By her own admission, the OP has become irrational and paranoid due to her PND. It's most likely that her husband has done absolutely nothing wrong in terms of fidelity.
    Now given that she has possibly been showing signs of odd behavior, paranoia etc, isn't it very possible that her DH is concerned about their DD? Let's not forget that we only hear one side of the story on BH- I would be very reluctant to categorically and emphatically say that what's going on here is DV.
    Of course OP, your husband should never, EVER physically hurt you, and you need to speak to him and make it extremely clear that you will not put up with it, and you will absolutely leave and take your DD with you if he ever does it again. But from what you have written I think it is utterly irresponsible of people to tell a self confessed paranoid person that they are being gas lighted!

    ETA- I had PND. My DP told me he didn't trust me with the kids, and he was 100% right to believe that. If I had tried to storm out with the kids during that time he would have damn well done what he could to stop me, and he would have been right to do that too.
    Last edited by FearlessLeader; 21-10-2015 at 18:25.

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    Completely understand feeling confused.

    But, what he did is violent, and abuse. Please photograph the bruises and document how you got them- just in case it does happen again.

    You need to sit down with him, tell him that is his behaviour that is making you feel the need to leave, and that what he has now done (hurting you) has made you feel scared and even closer to leaving. Tell him it is unacceptable for him to put his hands on you in any way, without invitation, and definitely not acceptable to hold hard enough to bruise.
    Your daughter is not under threat by you, and he had absolutely no basis for saying so just because you have expressed doubts to him.

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