I thought about doing this post anonymously but then I thought, f&ck it! I will not carry shame with this.
In my quest to find inner peace and contentment, I find myself at an incredibly difficult crossroads. For those who don't know, my delightful 2.5 year old DD took one year and one miscarriage to conceive. She's the light of my life. My lighthouse.
I find being a mum really tough. It doesn't come naturally to me and I find I have to work on, to cultivate my nurturing side, every single day.
It took me almost 2 years before I could say to myself, "you know what? I'm ready to do this again!", and there began the journey of TTC a sibling for DD.
2 chemicals and a loss at 10 weeks on the 30th June this year has had me questioning everything I thought I knew. I thought I wanted this, and yet here I find myself wanting to run and scream in the opposite direction at the mention of another baby. Im past the anger. Now I just feel sadness. Some days it's an engulfing sadness that I feel would only be able to pass if I can just make that decision to not have any more babies.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve in this post but I'm hoping to read a reply that might trigger my answer for me. How did you know you were done? I want to be done. A very small part of me doesn't feel it's over just yet but a much bigger, much more dominant part of me is terrified. I can not lose another baby. 4 is enough for me. I don't feel I can take that risk again ... my heart just wouldn't cope.