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  1. #1
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    Default My husband resents me doing housework

    We have a 3yo DS and a newborn DD. Hubby took 4 weeks off work at my request to help us settle into babyville again. He has spent the entire time either on the ride-on mower, hosing the concrete or playing his guitar. One night he cooked dinner...once...an omelette.

    This weekend his parents are coming to stay and I'm trying to get the housework done as it's been left a bit while I've been trying to catch up on some sleep in the afternoons. He keeps calling me a martyr because I'm prioritising it over sleeping in preparation for their visit. He is currently playing his guitar while I clean bathrooms etc between tending to bub (3yo is in daycare today thank goodness). He wouldn't care if the house was putrid and thinks I'm ridiculous for trying to keep on top of it and particularly that I'm making it a higher priority because his parents are coming. I have written him a list of jobs (at his request), which he has ticked ONE thing off in two weeks. I'm so freaking furious at him right now. He may as well be at work and at least I'd be able to get some housework done without seeing his eyes rolling, being called a martyr and having to listen to him merrily playing his guitar while I'm freaking exhausted but doing housework anyway!!

    Does anyone else have a husband who resents you doing housework?!

    I just asked him how it's going to get done if I sleep all day (which he thinks means he's free to play guitar) and his suggestion was to just fit it in in bite sized chunks!!! It doesn't occur to him that keeping on top of the washing and mess that he and DS create are a full time job with a newborn, let alone that he could actually lift a finger himself!!! When I suggested it he flew into a mood and said "I've been mowing all morning!", like that equates to being entitled to play all afternoon while I've been working in the house all day and up half the night with bub while he snores in bed. Am I being unreasonable here?!

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  3. #2
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    Nope, you're not being unreasonable. Your husband is a twit.

    Is getting a professional cleaner in an option? After similarly prioritising cleaning over sleep and consequently feeling like it was all too much with DS1, this time with DS2 I get a cleaner in for a few hours a fortnight. It's not a thorough clean, but it's enough to make the place liveable and has really taken the edge off my angst about cleaning.

    Plus,seeing you spending money on a cleaner may spur your DH into actually helping!

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  5. #3
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    Omg...I'm feeling really angry on your behalf OP. I would be losing my sh!t at him....

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    I have suggested a cleaner on numerous occasions and get nothing but hostility at the idea. I even asked for a once-off cleaner for Mother's Day when I was pregnant, exhausted and in pain this year and got looked at like I was asking for a trip to Paris. I ended up telling him not to bother because it was so ridiculous in his eyes 😟

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    My DH can be a little annoying in that respect. He'll tell me to 'just sit down and relax', 'have a rest' or suggest I'm being pedantic if I'm doing a big clean up before guests come over. It's annoying at times, but I'd rather that than a DH who insisted everything be spotless, yet refuses to lift a finger to help!

    Just tell him 'look, this stuff needs to be done, and if you're not going to do it, I'll have to keep going here'. Ignore his whining.

    My DH does help around the house, he has no choice because he's home more than I am. He can't just leave things to me - he keeps the kitchen clean and regularly vacuums.

    I don't get frustrated at him any more - I just keep doing what I want and need to do! For what it's worth, I think he should be helping you with the inside of the home as well as the outside, but it's HARD to get through to someone who thinks housework is not important.

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    He's being a jerk. I think I would just say that unless he gets up and helps, you're getting a cleaner in so you can actually relax if you get an opportunity. But, that entirely depends on your finances and how likely that is to work . If he goes on about it, I'd point out that he also makes the mess, and that you are equal partners, not his mother or personal maid.

    My husband and I have a rule - if one of us is doing things around the house, then both of us are. Then we can both relax together when it is all done.

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  11. #7
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    Wow, I would be so furious! Your DH is being really unfair. Have you asked him what he thinks the point of him taking 4 weeks off was if he's not going to help you out? I mean mowing and gardening is all well and good but that can be done once a week or fortnight on the weekend. Cooking and keeping on top of dirty dishes needs to be done multiple times a day and laundry often needs to be done throughout the week especially with a newborn. If he's not going to help out with the DAILY chores he might as well go to work and do the garden on the weekend.

    Would it be at all possible for you to just leave the mess with the condition that if he thinks it's so easy to sort it out later, he'll need to ensure its all done the day before his parents arrive and if it's not done you're getting a cleaner whether he likes it or not.

    Honestly if it were me I wouldn't even be asking him; you've just had a baby and he's doing bugger all so the only option is a cleaner once a week until you can manage, end of discussion.

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    Quote Originally Posted by CountryGirl77 View Post
    I have suggested a cleaner on numerous occasions and get nothing but hostility at the idea. I even asked for a once-off cleaner for Mother's Day when I was pregnant, exhausted and in pain this year and got looked at like I was asking for a trip to Paris. I ended up telling him not to bother because it was so ridiculous in his eyes 😟
    That sucks. My DH was also pretty sceptical about getting a cleaner, but in the end, after getting less help from him than I wanted, I went out and organised one anyway. (At least in DH's case, it wasn't that he didn't want to help, but that he was always busy doing work when he was at home. That's another story...)

    Despite his initial scepticism, DH is now a convert - having that basic cleaning done has eased the pressure (and resentment) for both of us. However, if your DH doesn't see having a clean house as important at all, I guess he may not be converted if you go ahead and get a cleaner in anyway.

    I know you may not be able to stomach it, but say you took his advice and just let it all go in favour of sleep and personal time- how much mess would it take to push him to his breaking point and make him decide to do some cleaning himself? Would you be living in a slightly messy house in the meantime (in which case it may be worth the short-term horror) or would he need to be in a slum before he reached his tolerance limit?

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    If that was my husband, I think he'd be wearing his guitar as a necklace.

    That's just not on OP. Personally I'd be getting a cleaner and stuff what he thinks/says. Having a newborn is hard enough. Without throwing in a 3yo and a man-child.

    I think I'd also be leaving the house and if his parents comment, would be saying he's been too busy playing guitar to clean and you've been busy with the baby! If that was my son, I'd be giving him a big talking to.

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  15. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by CountryGirl77 View Post
    We have a 3yo DS and a newborn DD. Hubby took 4 weeks off work at my request to help us settle into babyville again. He has spent the entire time either on the ride-on mower, hosing the concrete or playing his guitar. One night he cooked dinner...once...an omelette.

    This weekend his parents are coming to stay and I'm trying to get the housework done as it's been left a bit while I've been trying to catch up on some sleep in the afternoons. He keeps calling me a martyr because I'm prioritising it over sleeping in preparation for their visit. He is currently playing his guitar while I clean bathrooms etc between tending to bub (3yo is in daycare today thank goodness). He wouldn't care if the house was putrid and thinks I'm ridiculous for trying to keep on top of it and particularly that I'm making it a higher priority because his parents are coming. I have written him a list of jobs (at his request), which he has ticked ONE thing off in two weeks. I'm so freaking furious at him right now. He may as well be at work and at least I'd be able to get some housework done without seeing his eyes rolling, being called a martyr and having to listen to him merrily playing his guitar while I'm freaking exhausted but doing housework anyway!!

    Does anyone else have a husband who resents you doing housework?!

    I just asked him how it's going to get done if I sleep all day (which he thinks means he's free to play guitar) and his suggestion was to just fit it in in bite sized chunks!!! It doesn't occur to him that keeping on top of the washing and mess that he and DS create are a full time job with a newborn, let alone that he could actually lift a finger himself!!! When I suggested it he flew into a mood and said "I've been mowing all morning!", like that equates to being entitled to play all afternoon while I've been working in the house all day and up half the night with bub while he snores in bed. Am I being unreasonable here?!
    Sounds like my now XH when DD was born. No advice sorry just my sympathies. Hopefully other hubbers will have some advice.

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