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  1. #111
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Was your child really upset or was it just that your dd stumbled across the topic by accident (in a way that wouldn't have been your preferred method of introducing the concept to your child), started asking questions and *you* felt bad?

    The reason why I'm asking is that (for safety reasons) hubby and I are teaching my ds1 (nearly 4) to say his full name and the name if everyone in our family. When we were asking ds1 everyone's name, for me he said "mummy <DP's surname>" I thought it was so cute. When I told him my real name he thought it was funny and started laughing. Even if he was upset at 3 I would think kids get 'upset' about a lot of things and it doesn't necessarily mean they are really upset - most of the time they can be easily distracted and forget. With an appropriate strategy/distraction/delivery plan in place I just can't see how a 3 year old child needs to feel a loss of connection with her mother just by having a different surname.
    Well the fact she cried kinda gave me a good indication she was upset. And quite frankly I couldn't argue with her question... why didn't I want the same name as them? It didn't seem such a big deal for me to do after that. To me, it meant a lot to her for us to have the same last name, so why not? With our family dynamics she has always known not everyone has the same name as the mum and/or dad. Out of my 5 siblings I was the only one with my mums maiden name, same with dh. Our best friends have 3 different last names- she uses her maiden name (divorced), her 2 oldest use their dads surname, their youngest has her new partners surname. So many conversations had been had about names and how different people in the same family can have different names. If I could have given a genuine reason why I didn't want to change it, I wouldn't have done it. But when she asked that question, I couldn't think of a single reason other than the connection to my nan which I would always have regardless of what my name is.

    Sorry I rambled. Point is, she was genuinely upset, raised a valid question I couldn't give an answer to after thinking about, so I changed my name. And I am happy I did.

  2. #112
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    If one of my daughters chose to be a sahm and was respected and considered equal by her partner, I would be happy. Just as I would be happy if she had a job that she loved.

    My mum was a sahm for 13 years. She has always had equal (if not more) say in the finances and my parents were lucky enough to be mortgage free by the time my mum was 21. When she decided to return to work, she studied for a year and fast became the main income earner. I suppose the above things have shaped the way I view the sahm role; it doesn't necessarily mean that you are doomed to a life of poverty if you suddenly find yourself a single parent.

    Similarly, I'm a sahm now. Dh & I have an equal say in finances and, while we both strongly value one parent being at home in the early years, he would be fully supportive if I chose to go back to work tomorrow. By the time I do return to work, I will have been at home for 7-8 years and will still be young enough to play catch up.

    I think the most important thing is that you're both on the same page and you are considering your future plans when choosing to be a sahp.

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  4. #113
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoteToSelf View Post
    I actually think establishing your career before you have kids gives you more flexibility and choice after having kids.

    I've been able to reduce my hours since I had kids and have a lot more control over my roster and work days because I'm an established member of the organisation. I'm on a flexible parental leave agreement which means my substantive position is held for me while I work part time hours.

    My friends who were SAHP then returned to work have had to take whatever they could get and often got stuck working full time.

    I also work part time, I've got a fantastic work/family balance.
    Totally this. I've been in my job for almost 10 years now and as its a small industry I have built up my professional reputation/contacts, making it easier for me to work part time in family friendly shifts rather than having to do the s****y 12 hour Sunday shift I did when I was in my 20's.

  5. #114
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    I don't think I'd be overjoyed but it's her life!

    I work to contribute to family funds, study to get a better future career meanwhile have a 2 year old and one on the way.. It's busy! But that's a choice I made when I decided to start a family young.

    But I see it as very important to better myself as the kids will grow up before I know it and I have watched too many older relatives lose themselves when they've been stay at home parents and their kids grow up and move on.

    I have another 45 years till I can retire.. I want to do something I love on that time!

    So I would be disappointed if our kids grow up without passion and drive to better themselves and pursue a career they love after working hard to role model that to them!

  6. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Another thread got me thinking about my SAHM status. Truth be told if finances weren't an issue i.e. buying a house I'd happily never return to work FT. I do currently and would need an external outlet and time for me. But I really don't have any career aspirations beyond paying the bills. So work to live as opposed to live to work. It got me thinking about how society sees long term SAHM's and reminded me of a a very similar thread to this one a looooong time ago where lots of members said they would be upset if their daughter chose to be a long term SAHM.

    So would you be disappointed if she did? When I say long term, I mean beyond school age, or like me, where the children are quite spread out age wise. Would you try to talk her out of it? Would you just support her?
    I guess it would depend entirely on WHY she chose to be a SAHM... and yes, as her parent, I feel I have the right to know that.

    A friend of mine is a SAHM because she is lazy- no really, she has a nanny but is home all day, the nanny does all the cleaning, cooking and looking after the baby. Why stay at home? She doesn't want to work.

    Another hated her job but couldn't find another role in that career so is a SAHM while studying, and has found she loves it and they can afford it so she will continue to be a SAHM.

    My mum had 5 kids and it made sense to be a SAHM.

    First one- not valid to me.

    ETA: i value independence, but I don't link work with that. Would I rather my daughter/son stayed in a job they hated or be a happy SAHP? The second, for sure.
    Independence is about more than just finances. And I will be raising my kids to have financial security before having their own kids- it's up to them if they want that to be with, or separate to, their partners.

    As for showing independence by not taking their partner's surname? If you feel your daughter shouldn't take his name to show independence, and she goes with that... it's not independence is it, because she is doing what you've said rather than making her own choice.
    Last edited by DT75; 09-10-2015 at 10:08.

  7. #116
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    I think we need to recognise that what happiness, fulfillment and success is defined as, is different for different women. SAHM's can still have drive and can better themselves without working. For some happiness is having their own pay check, for others it's being at home with their kids. For some of us success is a promotion, for others it's feeling we are nurturing our families (and I'm not saying working mums aren't nurturing).

    I think there is a picture being painted here of the downtrodden, uneducated Mumsie type serving her husband the paper and slippers while begging for 'his' bank card. Nothing could be further from the truth in my household.

    My life has passion, fulfillment and happiness. I'm educated, I do have some super, I have a decent work history. I honestly love my life so much. Yes I would like my daughter to do the same if she wanted to be at home - to get training and work for several years before being a SAHM. But if my children, male and female, were truly happy then I'd be happy.

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  9. #117
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    I changed my maiden name to H's... I have always had a different surname to my siblings, my dad (the man who raised me), my male "parent" (sperm giver), and then my mum (after she married dad).... I always hated that.

    So taking H's name wasn't giving up anything.

  10. #118
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    What a thought provoking thread. To be honest, I'd never considered it. I have only wanted her to find a career that she loves doing and that she strives to do her best and work hard. By work hard, I don't mean long hours, I mean show dedication and pride in her work.

    I would love for her to go to uni, but if the career she wanted to do didn't involve that, that would be ok.

    I guess I'd support her no matter what her choice, provided it is her choice. I would, however, encourage to set herself up a bit financially and career wise before she became a SAHM in case she wanted to return to the work force. I'd also encourage her to return to work after her kids go to school, but again that's her decision.

    I'm currently on maternity leave and planning on returning to part time work. Financially I need to work, but I also have spent many years at uni and I feel that working is part of my identity and what I am good at. I am also lucky that my job gives me enough flexibility that I can attend my kids daycare activities. So at the moment, I feel like I have a good balance. If my DD can achieve that balance, I'd be happy.

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  12. #119
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    I guess it would depend entirely on WHY she chose to be a SAHM... and yes, as her parent, I feel I have the right to know that.

    A friend of mine is a SAHM because she is lazy- no really, she has a nanny but is home all day, the nanny does all the cleaning, cooking and looking after the baby. Why stay at home? She doesn't want to work.

    Another hated her job but couldn't find another role in that career so is a SAHM while studying, and has found she loves it and they can afford it so she will continue to be a SAHM.

    My mum had 5 kids and it made sense to be a SAHM.

    First one- not valid to me.
    But we could turn that on it's ear. What about the Mum that goes back to work at 6 weeks bc she hates being a mum and has the DC do the lion's share of parenting? Or the Mum that returns to work soon after the birth because despite her husband earning a big wage she likes designer bags and overseas holidays? But those choices are often given back pats for being brave for admitting they don't want to be at home or for being 'driven' and 'self sufficient'.

    I admit, if I won lotto tomorrow I wouldn't ever get a Nanny. I want to raise my kids. But see that's my perception which is really the long winded point I'm making. It's all so subjective.
    Last edited by delirium; 09-10-2015 at 10:12.

  13. #120
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I admit, if I won lotto tomorrow I wouldn't ever get a Nanny. I want to raise my kids. But see that's my perception which is really the long winded point I'm making. It's all so subjective.
    Wow I hope you don't think having a nanny means you're not raising your own kids and you were simply referring to the previous post. Otherwise anyone who has a child in day care isn't raising their own kids.

    We really are out own worst enemies aren't we? I never see men tearing each other apart over their parenting choices.

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