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  1. #91
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    Default Would you be disappointed if your DD chose to be at home long term?

    I would be very disappointed if she didn't have a career or qualification first
    - yes.

    I only say this from my own personal experience. I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mum, so wasn't motivated to get any type of back up plan as I thought I didn't need one.

    Turns out financially that wasn't possible and I also didn't feel productive with in myself .

    I am now in the process of studying multiple courses and secured a full time job trying to build a career so in a few years time if I have another baby I can CHOOSE to be a stay at home mum because I can return to the workforce once I feel ready with already having previous experience.

    I wouldn't want her to have the regrets I had by not doing that the first time round as it is more difficult now already having a child to juggle it.

    The financial independence and super is also another reason.

    I would just like to add - my parents have always worked full time so I've never experienced having a stay at home parent, but when ever I have needed them they have always been there, if my parents needed to leave at a moments notice to help me, they could and did. They worked themselves into a position where I could still come first. So I don't think it's fair to say only stay at home parents are able to do that.
    Last edited by DreamyMummy; 08-10-2015 at 22:34.

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  3. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Sure and I do agree with you. People get ugly when they are deeply wounded. I just know we will stay together. I know. It sounds so ridiculous, near sighted and lacking in insight. You are probably rolling your eyes and thinking honey, everyone thinks that. But I know we will. We are ready to celebrate 20 years and we are stronger than ever.
    I'm a hopeless romantic too despite appearances ☺️

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  5. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by DreamyMummy View Post

    I would just like to add - my parents have always worked full time so I've never experienced having a stay at home parent, but when ever I have needed them they have always been there, if my parents needed to leave at a moments notice to help me, they could and did. They worked themselves into a position where I could still come first. So I don't think it's fair to say only stay at home parents are able to do that.
    Thank you. This, times a million. My mum was a single mother with a wonderful career that she was passionate about and excelled at. She was (is!) also an amazing, engaged, loving mother. Sure we had to get ourselves home and sometimes start dinner, and she didn't drive me to every single ballet lesson- but I never for one moment felt abandoned or unloved or unimportant. I don't think that being emotionally unavailable has anything to do with whether one has a career or not.

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  7. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Thank you. This, times a million. My mum was a single mother with a wonderful career that she was passionate about and excelled at. She was (is!) also an amazing, engaged, loving mother. Sure we had to get ourselves home and sometimes start dinner, and she didn't drive me to every single ballet lesson- but I never for one moment felt abandoned or unloved or unimportant. I don't think that being emotionally unavailable has anything to do with whether one has a career or not.
    Completely agree. I've managed to find a really good balance. To be honest I've missed more school things because of babies being asleep than because of work.

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    My DH and I both changed our surnames ( to the same one). DH had is ( now ex ) step dads name, I hated it, ( partly because I didn't like the man, he wasn't part of our life or his mothers) and it didn't go with my first name. I refused to change mine and he wanted to change his too so we opted for his birth fathers name

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    Ww

  10. #97
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    I would caution all my girls if they decided to be long term SAHP. Short term of 1-3 years, yes that's great but definitely not long term.

    Financial independence and employment security are so important. I would be devastated if my kids were trapped in a dysfunctional relationship because they had no options.

  11. #98
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    If my DD wanted to be a SAHM for 5-10 years or so, I'd be happy with that, as long as she had some kind of safeguard for worst case scenarios. And super contributions. Any longer than 10 years and I think I'd be a bit disappointed, but not excessively so, if it were 100% her choice.

    I just wanted to say though about SAHM... it's really not that scary? Although I think it depends on individual circumstances. I mean if you left your highly technical high paying career for 20 years, then yeah that would be a bad move. But, if you were in a low paying low skilled job, seriously what's the difference? You don't really gain 'financial independence' from doing that anyway!

    Anecdotally speaking... I am one of those people you all 'fear'... I was a SAHM for 10 years (110% my choice and I would choose it all over again), and one night my husband literally came home and told me he was leaving and left that night. Finances are tough for me now, but the way we were going financially it really wouldn't have been any different. In fact, due to me being a SAHM, I had time to start a uni degree (now finished, as a single mum), which I wouldn't have had time to do if I was working earlier on.
    The one thing that does make me uncomfortable though is having next to no super. But that's the only thing! I wish I had/XH had contributed to my super while I was a SAHM.

    Another anecdote... my mum was a SAHM, my dad died. Yes things were very very tough for her but again, we were a low income family anyway so I'm not sure how different it would have been anyway.

    Yet another anecdote... a friend of mine has kept her career. Her H is a d!ck. We keep having discussions about leaving but she feels she doesn't have a choice, because then how would she work her odd hours, and financially because they have a big mortgage she feels it wouldn't work out.

    Anyway I have to go to work now, but I just really wanted to point out that being a single mum after a SAHM is really not all that miserable, and you can't just presume that a SAHM is missing out on squillions of independent dollars from not working.

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  13. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheWarrior View Post
    As for the changing names thing.... I swore black and blue I would never change my name when I got married. Mainly because my maiden name (also my mums maiden name) to me felt like my last connection I had with my nan and I didn't want to lose that. So what changed my mind? My 3 year old dd1 (at the time). She overheard dh and I talking about it and got upset and asked why didn't I want the same name as "daddy and me and dd2". I did it for HER. I did it because she wanted to have that link, that connection. I didn't do it because I felt social pressure, or pressure from dh. I did it because my 3 year old daughter wanted that connection with me. To her it was/is more than just a name. Its a part of who she is, its her family. And I cannot deny her that.
    Was your child really upset or was it just that your dd stumbled across the topic by accident (in a way that wouldn't have been your preferred method of introducing the concept to your child), started asking questions and *you* felt bad?

    The reason why I'm asking is that (for safety reasons) hubby and I are teaching my ds1 (nearly 4) to say his full name and the name if everyone in our family. When we were asking ds1 everyone's name, for me he said "mummy <DP's surname>" I thought it was so cute. When I told him my real name he thought it was funny and started laughing. Even if he was upset at 3 I would think kids get 'upset' about a lot of things and it doesn't necessarily mean they are really upset - most of the time they can be easily distracted and forget. With an appropriate strategy/distraction/delivery plan in place I just can't see how a 3 year old child needs to feel a loss of connection with her mother just by having a different surname.

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    No, I wouldn't be disappointed.
    Life is complex, but not concrete. No matter what plans you have or what your backups are, circumstance can screw you over. No matter what your circumstance though, there's always some positive and ways to better your lot or to make the most of it.

    Absolutely; being a 'career' SAHP has its downsides. Financial dependence and a lack or work history are concerns if you want or need to go in another direction... But I'd hope that, were that situation to arise, any child of mine would be resourceful enough to pursue what they wanted or needed to do.

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