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  1. #21
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    I've never used Siri while out and about, I still use my TomTom It is plausible he searched for massage and got a brothel. The fact the history goes into the profiles of the prostitutes though makes me think he did have a squiz.

    It's a hard one. On one hand he sounds like a really decent trust worthy guy. On the other, from personal experience men that do this sort of thing will always deny, then gas light and make you feel like you don't trust them/are crazy then just become more careful in the future. I would say give him the benefit of the doubt at this stage although I suspect even if Siri took him to that page he navigated within it.

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  3. #22
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    I have some experience with IT and honestly if the search history shows the main page, then a specific girl and THEN a price list page as well? That's not just a random pop-up click, that's someone searching further into that website.

    I'd suggest talking to him about it more, he could have been curious for very innocent reasons (friend told him to check it out for a laugh, wanted to know if a business he heard was indeed a brothel and went a bit further..). I'm an untrusting person due to experiences in my past but it could still be innocent - have you two ever discussed threesomes or other fantasies even just in the spur of the moment? Maybe he thought it was something he could suggest to you based on that. Another scenario is that like some people watch amateur p*rn he may like looking at those girls but would never act on it, too embarrassed to tell you though.
    Either way, have another chat because the excuse given doesn't sound right to me, but also doesn't mean he had sinister motives. It might be a good idea to discuss boundaries when it comes to s*x & cheating - some people are totally fine with a partner watching p*rn, some consider that a breach of trust.
    I hope that all makes sense, and all the best OP.

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  5. #23
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    Well, after much faffing around it finally concluded this afternoon. He rang me around lunch time (keeping in mind I was in such a state over this I had to take the day off work. I couldn't stop crying). It wasn't the searching per say but the fact that I had a definite feeling that he was lying to me & it wasn't sitting right with me. I felt that if he'd lied about the search then the only reason he would do that is if he followed through on it & actually saw a prostitute... He called me around 1pm & told me some story about how he'd worked it out & he'd left his phone unattended while he did a repair & a client/friend had messed around with his phone. He said his client was going to text me to explain. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt even though it sounded far fetched & my bull radar was going off. By 4pm I still hadn't heard from this person & I rang DH & told him that for my peace of mind I would call this guy to confirm his story. He said he was coming home because we needed to talk. Even when we were sitting on our bed he was still keeping up the charade about the client. I said, 'OK, let's ring him together now.' I then said that he had one last chance to tell me the truth. He then told me that the search that never happened that he had no recollection of actually did happen. He said that he didn't actually search for brothels but massage places in the area. He said that as he scrolled down that was what came up & he continued clicking out of curiosity. He said he lied initially because he was worried about upsetting me but that the lie snowballed & he kept digging himself in deeper & deeper until he could see no way out. I actually felt relief, 1) that I wasn't going crazy & that my instincts were right; I was being lied to. 2) that what he was telling me fitted much more in with his character than the lies he kept telling to try & keep up the facade. He said he felt ashamed about the search which was one of the year reasons he denied it... I feel a bit like I've been kicked in the gut & something doesn't sit right with me about it in the sense that I didn't see/notice any search for massage place in our suburb. I only noticed the actual name of the brothel etc. Any how, I've decided that we need to move on from this because it's only going to eat away at me. I feel reasonably confident that he didn't follow through & that it was just plain curiosity getting the better of him. But I'd be lying if I said that it didn't leave a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling that some of the innocence of our love has gone. We have decided to have counselling together. I've done countless years of counselling to try to work through my trust issues (stemming from childhood sexual abuse). But I can only seem to get so far on the trusting; one of the ways we'd worked out to manage it (with my psychologist) was complete transparency. He has all my passwords, I have all his etc. In all honesty I felt that this was the best I could do & was a way of managing my natural inclination not to trust. It's not so much the searching, although I honestly don't get it; it's the fact that he knows I have a mood disorder that I work very hard with meds etc to manage & that he knows I struggle to trust & yet he still blindly lied to my face for 24 hours. Basically until he was backed into a corner & had to come clean. I'm going to try to move forward & I am naturally very forgiving & I don't want to punish him. At the same time I feel like we have to work very hard to re-establish what trust I was able to muster. Thanks again for the advice/different perspectives.

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  7. #24
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    Gee - a lot happened overnight! Glad you got to the bottom of it. Sorry for the stress it must be causing you.

    If you think your hubby is now telling the truth then that's a good sign. As hard as it may seem try not to dwell on what has not happened until such a point as further information suggests it has happened.

    Good idea about the counseling. My only recommendation would be to continue counseling just for yourself even if you have couples counseling. In this process I think it would be good to address impacts your current strategy (having full access to your partners accounts and then snooping in them) may be having on your DH. If I was your DH I don't think I could have handled the lack of trust and intrusion. It would have eaten away at me and I would have been well and truly pi$$ed off by this point. While I'm not saying it would have driven me to search for a massage parlour/brothel, it would most certainly have driven a wedge in the relationship. Lack of trust is crippling.

    Good luck.

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  9. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Gee - a lot happened overnight! Glad you got to the bottom of it. Sorry for the stress it must be causing you.

    If you think your hubby is now telling the truth then that's a good sign. As hard as it may seem try not to dwell on what has not happened until such a point as further information suggests it has happened.

    Good idea about the counseling. My only recommendation would be to continue counseling just for yourself even if you have couples counseling. In this process I think it would be good to address impacts your current strategy (having full access to your partners accounts and then snooping in them) may be having on your DH. If I was your DH I don't think I could have handled the lack of trust and intrusion. It would have eaten away at me and I would have been well and truly pi$$ed off by this point. While I'm not saying it would have driven me to search for a massage parlour/brothel, it would most certainly have driven a wedge in the relationship. Lack of trust is crippling.

    Good luck.
    This!
    I believe he lied because he knew telling the truth would also cause issues. He just tried to minimise the impact. Not that lying is ok!
    I hope you continue to seek help with your trust issues. I know for me if there isn't 100% trust there isn't a relationship.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    You know what? I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

    If he really was deliberately searching for brothels/prostitutes, he would more than likely have deleted his search history (especially considering he is aware that you check his search history).

    Siri often mishears what you say - I recall using Siri for something innocent and I got the details of a local 'adult' shop come up!
    I'd have to agree with this. it's not worth making a massive issue over something that is most likely a tech error. from what you've said, your husband sounds pretty understanding and sympathetic of your trust issues. I think even if he were to do this, he'd probably cover his tracks a bit better.

    I'd just try and let it go.

  11. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lincolns mummy View Post
    This!
    I believe he lied because he knew telling the truth would also cause issues. He just tried to minimise the impact. Not that lying is ok!
    I hope you continue to seek help with your trust issues. I know for me if there isn't 100% trust there isn't a relationship.
    Yes, VP and this. If you hadn't of snooped this would never have been an issue. Not saying it's your fault he lied, but I can 100% see why he did. Your lack of trust must be making it very hard for him to be honest with you, which seems counter intuitive but if he's so scared of how you'll react to things he's not going to open up.
    I think it's great that you are going to counseling xx

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    Yep. I can definitely see his point of view. I still think if you're not doing anything dodgy & have nothing to hide then there shouldn't be any stress by an open door policy; he agreed to this way of doing things years ago. He could look through any of my things at any time & there would be nothing that I would care if he saw. I thought we had a pretty transparent, open & honest relationship & we talk openly about s3x etc. I would have thought if he was that curious about brothels then he would talk to me about it. He's been cheated on in the past & has some trust issues too. I would think he would understand that looking at brothels is not going to make me feel secure. Anyway, we're moving on & are going to have some counselling. I now have to get over this nagging feeling I have that his intentions were to follow through & act on his searching. I don't understand why else one would look as far as actual profiles of prostitutes & price lists.

  13. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by ertgirl View Post
    Yep. I can definitely see his point of view. I still think if you're not doing anything dodgy & have nothing to hide then there shouldn't be any stress by an open door policy; he agreed to this way of doing things years ago. He could look through any of my things at any time & there would be nothing that I would care if he saw. I thought we had a pretty transparent, open & honest relationship & we talk openly about s3x etc. I would have thought if he was that curious about brothels then he would talk to me about it. He's been cheated on in the past & has some trust issues too. I would think he would understand that looking at brothels is not going to make me feel secure. Anyway, we're moving on & are going to have some counselling. I now have to get over this nagging feeling I have that his intentions were to follow through & act on his searching. I don't understand why else one would look as far as actual profiles of prostitutes & price lists.
    See I would be very stressed at the idea of what you call an 'open door policy'. As I listed above, there are many things I have done/looked at online or elsewhere that could be misconstrued but were completely innocent. To me an open door policy is where you don't have any secrets but not to the point where you go searching out everything they've done. That's surveillance.
    Right now I'm on my DP's old phone because mine broke. He gave it to me without a second thought- it still had all his texts, it was still logged into his Facebook and had all his browsing history. We know each other's passwords for everything but I wouldn't go searching through his stuff. I logged out of everything of his when I got his phone without looking at any of it- it's none of my business to be reading private conversations between him and other people. It's not only invading his privacy but that of his friends. Even Internet search history- what if, for example, I had searched for an abortion clinic for a friend and DP saw it and demanded to know what it was about? It's not fair on my friend for me to disclose that information to him. He has no right to know.
    I'm truly sorry you found something that makes you feel badly but I really think monitoring your partner is unfair and unhealthy.

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  15. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    See I would be very stressed at the idea of what you call an 'open door policy'. As I listed above, there are many things I have done/looked at online or elsewhere that could be misconstrued but were completely innocent. To me an open door policy is where you don't have any secrets but not to the point where you go searching out everything they've done. That's surveillance.
    Right now I'm on my DP's old phone because mine broke. He gave it to me without a second thought- it still had all his texts, it was still logged into his Facebook and had all his browsing history. We know each other's passwords for everything but I wouldn't go searching through his stuff. I logged out of everything of his when I got his phone without looking at any of it- it's none of my business to be reading private conversations between him and other people. It's not only invading his privacy but that of his friends. Even Internet search history- what if, for example, I had searched for an abortion clinic for a friend and DP saw it and demanded to know what it was about? It's not fair on my friend for me to disclose that information to him. He has no right to know.
    I'm truly sorry you found something that makes you feel badly but I really think monitoring your partner is unfair and unhealthy.
    100% this. I would feel like I was being constantly monitored with my partner wanting to be able to go through my things. Never going to happen!


 

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