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  1. #1
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    Default mum dying in another country *possible trigger warning*

    wasn't sure where to post this.

    My mum has a serious long term illness & deteriorated badly this year. She is in the UK. I have health problems that make flying difficult & also anxiety/panic attacks & not currently on meds (stopped to ttc). Nevertheless I decided I needed to go to spend time with her & my family. I am so glad that I did. I got to say everything I could to them & have a lot of difficult discussions that we needed to have about her dying etc. And when I left I said goodbye properly because I knew it could be the last time I would see her. I had hoped that facing my fears & doing the trip would help my anxiety but unfortunately I was ill a lot of the time & the flights back went very badly & as a result my health & anxiety both ended up worse. I have had many days where i haven't been able to leave the house. My plan was to take it as easy as possible & build myself back up but I've been home about 11 weeks & have picked up cold/bug three times & gastro once so I've lost weight & am a mess. This week I got a phone call saying my mum has been taken into hospital. She is in a coma & non-responsive. She will not recover. The doctors swing between saying she will go in 24 hours to saying she needs to be in a hospice because she could last weeks/months. My dad & siblings are going to see her every day. I am torn. I want to be back there for them but I can't even imagine making it to the airport never mind doing the whole trip again. They all say that it's ok with them if I don't come back as the main thing was that I came not so long ago when she was herself & aware but I'm not sure if they are saying that for me. I am so distressed & feel so selfish that I'm not there to share the hospital visiting/support etc. Now I wait by the phone for updates... Thanks to anyone who had read all of that. Just had to get it out & wanted to see if anyone had been in a similar situation (bit of a long shot I imagine!)

  2. #2
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    I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this

    I haven't been in this kind of situation, but I couldn't just read and run.

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    jude15  (01-10-2015)

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    Sending big hugs. What an awful predicament to be in. I have no advice nor have I been in a similar situation. Didn't want to read and run. Is going on some meds and flying back potentially an option?

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    jude15  (01-10-2015)

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  7. #5
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    I haven't, but my Aunt was. She has severe agoraphobia and hasn't left the house in decades. When grandma was dying in another country she couldn't come and visit as much as she wanted to. It was heartbreaking, but everyone understood. The rest of the family just thought it was terribly sad that her illness prevented her from flying over, but in no way did they think she was selfish and there were no unkind things said behind her back at all. Everyone was 100% supportive.

    So if your family are saying that its okay and the important thing is that you saw her when she was still herself then they probably mean it.

    Big hugs. What a distressing situation you're in. But you are absolutely not selfish. Physically you're not capable of flying right now and that's beyond your control. Be kind to yourself. You're going through a lot right now.

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    jude15  (01-10-2015)

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    I honestly believe that your family are telling the truth and are happy for you to stay home. I didn't go and visit my nanna when she was dying and that was only an hour flight. I had 2 small kids and nanna had dementia so wouldn't have known. No-one in my family was cross, they knew I wanted to.

    It sounds awful but at the moment there is nothing you can do for mum, your family are all together and have support so at the moment your priority needs to be getting you well again.

    Huge hugs, I hope your mum passes peacefully.

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    Thanks to you all for replying & for all your support & thank you to those who have shared their experiences. It means a lot to me x

  12. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeavenBlue View Post
    Sending big hugs. What an awful predicament to be in. I have no advice nor have I been in a similar situation. Didn't want to read and run. Is going on some meds and flying back potentially an option?
    I was thinking about this today & wondering if the best option would be to go back on meds now, give them time to kick in & hopefully recover a bit physically which should make it easier to handle going back again. Then even if she passes away before that I would be there for my family in the weeks afterwards which I think for my dad would be the hardest time as he has been her full time carer & has ended up very isolated because of that.

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    It could be a good solution for the time being. Best wishes to you and your family.

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    jude15  (01-10-2015)

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    Default mum dying in another country *possible trigger warning*

    I have no advice as everyone else has said everything I've thought, but I just wanted to give you hugs. Must be so hard not being there. I hope you and your family are OK and your Mum passes peacefully xx

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    jude15  (01-10-2015)


 

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