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  1. #41
    AdornedWithCats's Avatar
    AdornedWithCats is online now Winner 2013 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    I offended a few family members by refusing to let them visit in the first 3 days. One didn't speak to me for 6 months. 😂 I'm still annoyed that one person insisted they come over and wouldn't take no for an answer. Next time I won't tell them about the birth until I'm ready. 😉

  2. #42
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    Do's:
    -Ask before visiting.
    -Check if I need milk or bread.
    -Offerings of chocolate are always acceptable.
    -Play a game with or talk to DD.

    Don't:
    -Visit if you are sick.
    -Try to do things (cook/clean) in my house. It will stress me out & I have a husband who can do these things. No exceptions.
    -Expect to stay for meals - unless explicitly invited to.
    -Wear heavy perfume (just a bug bear of mine, cannot stand it transferring onto my furniture or baby).
    -Expect unlimited cuddles with bub (if I want bubs back, hand him/her over).


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    Quote Originally Posted by BH-KatiesMum View Post
    I actually wanted people to come ... I was going out of my mind with the 'aloneness' (though I love the peace now )

    but I would have really liked them to call before they came to ask if I needed bread or milk or anything picked up from the shops.
    This...exactly this. Come, bring food that we can share, ask me if I need bread or milk etc., and then just don't leave me with the mess. I loved visitors when my kids were babies. I desperately wanted people to come over. I never wanted people to fold my washing, or clean my floors etc. I just wanted food and company.

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    Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (17-09-2015)

  5. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    See this is what I think is hard. If no one asked me about when they can visit, I would have been devastated. That would have made me feel totally unloved.
    Everyone is so different! It's like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.
    It does make it tricky... people could frame it as "Congratulations! Let me know if/when you're up for visitors, and I'll be there with bells on. Would you eat a ***?" I loved having visitors... but we had 7 people in one day (first day home), often overlapping, and I was so tired... not one of them made me a cup of tea or even put their cup on the sink after I made them one. These were all people who know me and my kitchen well enough to help themselves.

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    BH-KatiesMum  (17-09-2015)

  7. #45
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    I would've loved family & close friends to ask when a good time was to come over for a visit. We had so many people randomly turn up & knocking loudly on the front door at times we were trying to sleep, it drove me crazy! I think with my parents in particular they forgot what it's like having a small baby. Please just ask us when a good time to visit is!

    Also short visits as we wanted to grab a quick sleep when baby did & a lot of people don't take hints very well.

    I'll always check with someone when a good day/time is & if it's ahead of time I'll shoot them a text first to make sure it's still ok in case they've had a really rough night & not up to visitors.

  8. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Louise41 View Post
    Hmm. I never expected anything. I just handed baby over for cuddles.. After all they were there to meet bub not do my housework or bring me meals. Never occurred to me to ask them to do things for me.. I guess times have changed !
    Times definitely haven't changed. This was me, I was happy for people to drop past and meet Bub. If they loaded the dishwasher or helped me fold laundry that was a bonus.

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    What would I like them to offer?
    Just ask 'what can I do for you?'
    Message and say 'I'm in the area are you up for a visit at about 2ish (random time selected for example)?'
    Im doing my shopping, can I grab you something and drop it on my way home?

    When visiting - offer to take my older kids outside/for a walk/read a book/any form of attention.
    Tell me you're making a cuppa and ask if I want one.
    Most importantly - respect my boundaries and listen to my needs. If I say not to do my washing/fold my washing LISTEN! Ask if there is something else you can do instead. If I ask you to do something (like look after my baby while I move house) then either do that or nothing. I've told you what I want, I don't need you saying 'oh how about I come help you move and look after him'. No, that won't be helpful. I may as well look after him myself because I'll still have to stop and feed - while you put **** where it doesn't belong.

    And that's my rant for the day. It was only 5 years ago - I still haven't got over it.

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  11. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoteToSelf View Post
    Bit off topic but those who want mowing and gardening done, do you do that when your friends have babies?

    It never occurred to me to do anything like that. I take food because that's what I'd like to receive.

    I was thinking more of when family visits. We live in a different state to both our families, so when they visit they stay a few days. And I've been underwhelmed when both sets of parents have turned up and not done much, but actually added to my workload. They're the ones I'd think could help with some gardening!

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  13. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by gingermillie View Post
    I have an 11 week old baby (FTM) and I'm intensely private. We didn't allow any visitors in hospital at all and at home until she had her vaccinations. Only exception was my parents who had pertussis vax for us.
    I would like people not to ask to come over or assume i want visitors. I had so many people say oh I'll come see you in hospital. Um no you won't that's very presumptuous. Or when we were home essentially swimming with our prem baby people messaging constantly saying when can we visit or telling us they would visit (people at least no better than to turn up unannounced to us). Made me feel quite uncomfortable to constantly say no and then they got put out too. My baby, my time when I'm ready I'll let you know! My baby has been quite difficult, the stress of having people over is something I don't need. Even now.
    If you do get invited over don't sit around waiting to be offered a drink. I won't be offering. Don't expect me to put anything on food-wise. I won't be. If baby is getting antsy it probably needs a feed = this is your cue to leave! I do not want to get my boobs out in front of you.
    I wouldn't let anyone clean my house as I'm too private, stubborn and proud lolbut some nice snacks or decent meals or dropping in a take away (and not staying) would be great. I had a few friends drop things on my doorstep which was nice.
    Someone else suggested mowing the lawn! Yes please! Bottom of the list of priorities but needs doing.
    Sorry I sound like a total ***** don't I. I've struggled with this new mum business.
    For me I guess bottom line is I don't want people doing things for me but dropping off some food is nice and respecting boundaries and giving space is most important. Some people can try to take over and be really overbearing and pushy with offers of assistance which is awkward.
    I think my personality is quite similar to yours reading this post and I reckon I'll be the same when our little one is born. urgh the idea of people visiting in the hospital makes me shudder. I can't think of anything worse. and then visitors sitting round waiting to be offered cups of tea. wtf!?

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    AdornedWithCats  (17-09-2015)

  15. #50
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    FearlessLeader is offline Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
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    I liked that my various groups of friends organized to come in groups to see us. 30 minutes, 3-6 people each time, about 4 or 5 groups over 2 weeks. That was great- it got everyone done and dusted quickly!

    I think the key is- ask. Via text message. Don't call- you'll put mum on the spot and most likely wake the baby. Text, and say 'can I come and what can I bring/do? Answer whenever you're ready, there's no rush'

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