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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    I haven't read the other threads that seem to touch on this subject, but I will after I get this out.

    I'm almost 32, married for 4 years, have a 3 yr old. My husband and I married because I wanted a child and he didn't see himself in another relationship if we broke up (which we did, many many many times before we married). We have never really been in love, not even on our wedding day (we married at the registry office for many reasons but the main one was that it would just be too weird to have a proper wedding when we weren't actually in love with eachother). We didn't consummate the marriage for 3 months, and when we did it was to try for a baby, there was no love or joy in it. He is emotionally distant, he says he loves me but I'm not sure he really knows what love is. When we talk about ending the relationship he gets very upset and cries a lot, refuses to leave (or agrees but then does nothing), so I feel very confused about what exactly it is he is feeling, but it kind of doesn't matter anymore. I don't love him in any romantic sense, we have zero intimacy or emotional connection, and we have very little in common. He doesn't drink, hit, gamble, do drugs, or do anything particularly terrible, he's just kind of not here, even when we're in the same room I feel incredibly lonely. I don't want to be with him and I would just leave if it were easy, but our living situation is a bit complicated (we live in a house on property that my mother owns), so we cannot sell, and I can't really leave because I have no income, a child, 3 dogs and 2 cats (very hard to find somewhere to rent). The problem with staying here is that it is in the middle of nowhere and I can't drive, so I rely on him to take me grocery shopping, etc. Then there is also the issue of money. I technically own the house, but not the property, and I owe my mother $150,000 as she bought the house for me, but I have no income and can't work until I can drive myself somewhere. And even then, having to put my child in daycare would take all of income. I love being a stay at home mum and dread that changing, as much as I would like to work, I think it's hugely important for my daughter to be at home with me. I had planned to homeschool her for as long as she wanted. I am terrified of everything changing and ending up desolate and penniless. Plus my mother relies on him to do the difficult handyman work around the property. I feel like I can't leave the marriage, because there are too many hurdles, but how can I stay? I want to give myself the chance to find love and be happy, but I don't know how practical that is, given the current situation, or how likely I would be to find love, given that I looked and looked for years and eventually gave up and married my husband. Maybe not everyone can have a romantically loving relationship, there are no guarantees in life, surely? But I am terrified of waking up one day at 70 and realising my life is over and I missed my chance. I don't even know what I'm asking here. Do I stick it out to avoid being homeless, and try to give my daughter a good life instead of being selfish and thinking only of myself? If I end it, how do I do that? How do we survive with no money and huge debt? Is there any chance of finding what I'm looking for or is that just fantasy? Any insight would be appreciated, I am pretty lost here.
    I haven't read any replies yet, I'm just going to give my opinion without knowing what others have said. I was in a (sort of) similar position as yours with my ex husband (except the property, we were renting, plus I can drive and have always had a car).

    All I can say is, you deserve to experience love and to live the best life possible. If you want it badly enough you will make it happen. Whether that be getting a job, your drivers license, anything that makes your dreams a reality.

    When I left my ex I moved into my dad's house, and then after my second child was born I went out and got a full time job. Even though you do have to factor in daycare fees when working, you're still better off than not working. As a single parent you get the maximum rate of childcare benefits so daycare is somewhat more affordable.

    Anyway as I said, if you really want it you go out and do what it takes. I'm a big believer in things working out in the end. I wasn't prepared to let my life slip away and stay in a loveless marriage. Three years after I split with my ex husband I met my DP. We have now been together over 2 years and are madly in love, and have just bought a farm together in country Victoria.

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  3. #82
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    Thanks to those who are offering honest advice or sharing their own experiences, I really appreciate it. As for the suggestion that I may be unhinged... I have to say that did strike me as a little unkind. I try not to assume that anyone who makes different life choices to me is mental, but perhaps I have met a greater range of personalities than some. This is actually an incredibly complex issue, and while I may not have spelled out my reasons for wanting to homeschool or avoid daycare, you can trust that I have reasons none the less. You can only go on the information I provide, I realise that makes it harder to assess things, but you don't have every single piece of information, so please do not assume that you do. I hope you don't take this as me saying I don't want to hear criticisms, I don't mind that at all, but a little tact and compassion wouldn't go astray. For those of you who are interested in continuing to help, we had a good talk yesterday morning about what we wanted out of our relationship and our lives, and we are on the same page in regards to wanting to find love with one another, and keep our family together, and surprisingly the conversation was quite upbeat and didn't end in tears, like it usually does. It felt more like the two of us wanting the same thing and not just me bemoaning our life. We went out and had a great day, I was affectionate with him and it felt pretty close to a "normal" relationship, albeit no fireworks. I have no idea if the "fake it til you make it" mentality can work here, but I am trying to ignore the negatives and just allow myself to love him, if it's there. Whether it will ever be enough remains to be seen, but I do feel that I need to try, considering everyone and everything that is involved.

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  5. #83
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    I know that I am coming into this late but after reading this thread I can't read and run.

    Op I really really hope that this doesn't come off as rude and harsh but you are creating your own hurdles. You've created hurdles to your own happiness, once you've removed these hurdles the situation will appear much easier to "fix" so to speak. From everything you have written I can't see how you can make this marriage work, for both of you, especially when he isn't really open to working on what needs to be worked on together.

    If you were to seperate, centrelink is an option, online learning courses to build up your skill base are an option, friends / your mum helping to get to driving lessons are an option, childcare rebates are available to you etc, we are incredibly lucky to live in a country where all of these options are available to us.

    Then if you were able to seperate any work around the property can either be done by you as you've said or there's a handyman / tradesman. Yes they may cost more but it doesn't sound like your husband has been doing everything that needs to be done anyway.

    Again sorry if I've come across as harsh I do truly wish you all the best

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  6. #84
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    Not harsh at all, I can see how it would appear that way, and it may even be the case. I do think however that it's very easy for onlookers to suggest I simply cut and run, leaving my mother with all of my debt, or rehome animals that I have made a commitment to look after for the entirety of their lives, without thinking about the implications of those actions. I don't want to cause MORE hurt at this point, and besides I think leaving someone with a bunch of debt (let alone abandoning them) is a horrendous thing to do. I have certainly made some ill informed decisions up until this point, but believe it or not I have quite a strong sense of my own morality and integrity and there are some things I would simply never do. (Much as most of you would assert they would never get into this situation.) I have gotten to the point where I feel that if I need to end the marriage, I will be able to do it and survive, but I have decided (for the moment anyway) to try to make it work.

  7. #85
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    personally I wouldn't have married a guy out of fear of not having a kid. this is the choice you made. you traded love, romance and a hot sex life for the guaranteed security of having a sperm donor with a paycheck. sorry if that sounds harsh but from what I've read, it's sounding fairly accurate.

    as other posters have pointed out, you've now decided to change up the original deal and expect more. 4 years ago, the objective was a kid. now, you want the full package.

    did you not think to yourself when you were marrying him that maybe you were selling yourself short? that maybe a one night stand and being a single mum might've been a better prospect? at least you wouldn't be in this mess right now.

    you were 28 when all this started, to me, that's definitely old enough and mature enough (in theory) to know better and understand the full consequences of your actions. you weren't duped into this at 16.

    I really struggle to have much sympathy for you. ok it's crappy you're stuck in a loveless marriage but it all sounds as though it was your own doing. take some responsibility for yourself and grow up.

    get your fricken drivers license for starters then find a job. get your head out of the clouds with ridiculous ideas of home schooling. send the kid to school and bloody get on with yourself. stop making a rod for your own back and bleating about it. start paying back bank of mum for the $150k you owe her. be an adult!!

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  9. #86
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    Ultimately it's your life and you have to do what's best. But are you staying bc you want to or bc it's easier short term?

    Marriage is hard enough when you deeply love the person. I don't see things getting better, only worse. Do you really want to look back in 20 years time and think you spent the best years of your life in a loveless marriage? I admit I'm a hopeless romantic but I couldn't think of anything worse.

    I would be still getting your licence and doing a uni or tafe course. That way if in 5 years down the line you have to get out, you have your independence. I may be a long term SAHM, but I can drive and I have an education and work history behind me so if DH and I broke up I could support myself and my kids.

  10. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    For those of you who are interested in continuing to help, we had a good talk yesterday morning about what we wanted out of our relationship and our lives, and we are on the same page in regards to wanting to find love with one another, and keep our family together, and surprisingly the conversation was quite upbeat and didn't end in tears, like it usually does. It felt more like the two of us wanting the same thing and not just me bemoaning our life. We went out and had a great day, I was affectionate with him and it felt pretty close to a "normal" relationship, albeit no fireworks. I have no idea if the "fake it til you make it" mentality can work here, but I am trying to ignore the negatives and just allow myself to love him, if it's there. Whether it will ever be enough remains to be seen, but I do feel that I need to try, considering everyone and everything that is involved.
    So what's the plan to make this happen? I mean it's fine to decide you both want to fall in love and work things out, but after so many years with no loving feelings, it's not just going to 'happen'. I personally think it sounds like you're in denial about your situation. :/

  11. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    Thanks to those who are offering honest advice or sharing their own experiences, I really appreciate it. As for the suggestion that I may be unhinged... I have to say that did strike me as a little unkind.
    From the outside it appears that you don't want advice and you don't want to change. You just want people to hear your struggles (which it totally ok) and you want them tell you what you are doing is ok (a tad unrealistic - you can't force people to have this view). Apologies if I have Mis-read.

    I just also wanted to say that Honest advice and help can also come from those who don't agree and it can come in the form of suggestions to focus on yourself and reach out for help (if that is what is needed).

    People just want to see you happy.


 

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