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  1. #71
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    Have just had a thought that I have run past a friend but will air here too -
    What about writing out a serious plan for improvement, with all the areas we both need to improve, and very clear goals and plans for deepending our connection, including counselling (for me, unless he miraculously agrees to go at some point), and me learning to drive, etc, all on a timeline, and if by the end date things have not sufficiently changed (ie we are both happy and want to stay) then we will end it.

  2. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    Have just had a thought that I have run past a friend but will air here too -
    What about writing out a serious plan for improvement, with all the areas we both need to improve, and very clear goals and plans for deepending our connection, including counselling (for me, unless he miraculously agrees to go at some point), and me learning to drive, etc, all on a timeline, and if by the end date things have not sufficiently changed (ie we are both happy and want to stay) then we will end it.
    So you need to do things and he doesn't? You learn how to drive, you go to counseling and he just gets to be part of writing a list? Nothing will change except for your resentment towards him for not actively doing something to save your marriage.

  3. #73
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    I would expect him to put in equal effort - setting aside time every day to talk to me, spending time with our daughter, exercise, diet, getting to the doctor. Building the garden beds with me.

  4. #74
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    When I went through marriage counseling with my ex h. One thing the counsellor said that really stuck with me. Was: if you have care and respect for each other, then love will come easily.

    We've since divorced and I've moved on and now with my new DP and these words ring in my ear. I was so worried I would never know how to love again as I felt my care and respect was just not reciprocated.

    But showing care and respect for each other, when it is mutual, the feeling of love has come.

    If you guys can talk it out and potentially discuss what would make you feel like you're feelings are being cared and respected this could help in forging that love you're missing??

    Just some food for thought. I wish luck and happiness xx

  5. #75
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    You've had lots of wonderful advice and sound like you're making some progress in thinking the whole situation through. @Moxy has some great points in relation to moving forward with your husband if that's what you decide you want to do. Even if you talk it all out, work out an action plan to get things with your husband to change to what you want (involving actions from both of you), and then set a time frame to reassess, that would be some progress over nothing. No matter what way you choose to go, you should put some things in the plan for yourself - learning to drive, studying if you want to do that, career goals, social activities. Doing everything only with everyone else's feelings and goals in mind will not make you feel any better. I'm not saying to ignore them, but at least give your feelings equal weight.

    Staying home most of the time is going to make things more difficult for you. You're not getting the change in environment or thinking patterns that come with it, and your interactions are limited which could compound issues. Definitely something to work through with a psych or counsellor.

    ETA: Sorry, had typed this out and then went to sort out DS came back and hit send... only to find further posts with essentially the same thing!

  6. #76
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    Default Stay or go?

    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    Have just had a thought that I have run past a friend but will air here too -
    What about writing out a serious plan for improvement, with all the areas we both need to improve, and very clear goals and plans for deepending our connection, including counselling (for me, unless he miraculously agrees to go at some point), and me learning to drive, etc, all on a timeline, and if by the end date things have not sufficiently changed (ie we are both happy and want to stay) then we will end it.
    If it were me I would stop procrastinating and farting around the real issue at hand. You both need to have a short simple conversation: do you want to change the terms of conditions of your 'arrangement': from a short term loveless partnership to have a child - to a long term relationship based on love and respect? If either of you answer no then it's game over red rover. Don't waste your time on plans and goals when the contract you want doesn't exist.

    From an outsiders perspective it appears you are very afraid of change and are doing all you can to dodge the real issue at hand so you don't have to deal with change. And I get that - change makes me really nervous - to the point where I have to force myself to go along with change that I know is good for me even though I am squirming inside.
    Instead of working so hard to save your 'marriage' perhaps the answer is working hard on yourself so you are comfortable with change, possibly to include ending your marriage (it sounds like you are getting there with being open to counsellIng etc so hats off to you for that).
    Last edited by VicPark; 18-09-2015 at 15:42.

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  8. #77
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    Default Stay or go?

    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    I would expect him to put in equal effort - setting aside time every day to talk to me, spending time with our daughter, exercise, diet, getting to the doctor. Building the garden beds with me.
    Building garden beds? That's part of your expectation? Sorry but for someone who knowingly entered into a short term loveless marriage to have a kid I think you're expectations are far too high/unrealistic.

    You can't sign up to buy a 1970 Datsun120Y and then try and change it into a 2015 Ferrari when the Dato no longer serves your changing needs.
    Last edited by VicPark; 18-09-2015 at 15:53.

  9. #78
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    So you had a fulltime job - but you say you have no career. you Married someone before you were 30 because you were worried you would not have a child - about 10 years too early to make that decision -You never learned to drive, you want to home school for no particular reason, and you don't want childcare. You also have been living rent free with your mother - and wont get rid of pets. You sound like one of those people who will always find a reason not to make hard choices or even basic sensible ones and it will always be too hard.

  10. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Meitis For This Useful Post:

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  11. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meitis View Post
    So you had a fulltime job - but you say you have no career. you Married someone before you were 30 because you were worried you would not have a child - about 10 years too early to make that decision -You never learned to drive, you want to home school for no particular reason, and you don't want childcare. You also have been living rent free with your mother - and wont get rid of pets. You sound like one of those people who will always find a reason not to make hard choices or even basic sensible ones and it will always be too hard.
    To me all these factors are a big red Flag that all is not right - that the OP needs help. In which case as much as I want to say "pull your finger out and just do it" it may not be that simple for the OP.

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  13. #80
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    Out of curiosity, did your hubby know you didn't love him when you married?
    Did he know you where not attracted to him?
    Was he aware of your future plans to divorce him after the children?
    Did he have depression when you married?

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    HollyGolightly81  (18-09-2015),VicPark  (18-09-2015)


 

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