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  1. #41
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    It seems that you are making alot of excuses for u not being able to make changes needed to get put of this situation. If your pets and wanting not to make sacrifices to improve you situation then I guess the price u will pay is staying in a loveless marriage. You cant accept things to change if you wont make decisions to improve your circumstances.

  2. #42
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    Geisha88 - I don't know if I'm making excuses or just being realistic about the obstacles. It's not a cut and dry situation, people are going to get hurt and it has to be worth that. The money being manageable makes it seem a hell of a lot more possible at this point though. I think I am concerned about the work that will be involved, learning to drive is proving a challenge for me and that lumped with putting my child in daycare and finding a job and having to learn how to do all the jobs around the property (fixing fences etc), is quite daunting. It doesn't make the situation impossible though, just hard. I feel like I get up the courage to move on and then something comes along and it turns out I can't do it at all. Last time I decided to leave, my husband reminded me that we have this electrical work that needs doing and it may cost thousands of dollars. It seemed we would never be able to afford it on our own and if we didn't do it asap we could lose our whole solar setup and it would be disastrous, but since then he hasn't done the work anyway and amazingly it is suddenly not quite so urgent. I need to be able to ascertain which are actual roadblocks and which are not, and you girls are hugely helpful in that, but I am also aware of this situation from the inside and know the intricacies involved, besides my own personal values regarding things like abandoning pets, so ultimately I will be using my own judgement.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janesmum123 View Post
    That sounds about right regarding payments. If you can live on that then you might have just found your answer.
    Unless I'm missing something in my budget, I think we can live on that, if only temporarily, because that doesn't include any payments to my mother for the house, and it would take me 7 years at that rate to pay off my loan and start paying her back. But providing I can get a decent job and daycare doesn't eat all of my income, we should be able to make it work.

  4. #44
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    For the record, there is a world of difference between abandoning pets and finding a new, loving home for them to enable you to move forward. That being said of course you are entitled to take that opinion, say thanks but not thanks, and look at other options.

    Both your husband and your mother appear to be a bit manipulative in terms of putting their wants and needs before your own more fundamental wants and needs. I get your husband saying things to make you reconsider leaving but your mum should have your back and the hell with having a man around to do things that need to be done, particularly if he's not even doing them. I wonder if perhaps rather than a detailed plan you maybe just bite the bullet and tell him it's over and get onto Centrelink asap. Then once that hurdle is cleared, you can look at the next one or two big obstacles and work around them. Maybe the prospect of trying to figure it all out now is too daunting? At the end of the day, your mum won't leave you destitute will she? It's drastic but do you maybe rest in the knowledge that at worst you end up living with her with pets that don't get along? That's a pretty good "worst" situation if you want out now.

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  6. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    Unless I'm missing something in my budget, I think we can live on that, if only temporarily, because that doesn't include any payments to my mother for the house, and it would take me 7 years at that rate to pay off my loan and start paying her back. But providing I can get a decent job and daycare doesn't eat all of my income, we should be able to make it work.
    Has your mum considered selling the property? It sounds like it is hard and expensive to maintain. Maybe the both of you could get something smaller?

  7. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moxy View Post
    For the record, there is a world of difference between abandoning pets and finding a new, loving home for them to enable you to move forward. That being said of course you are entitled to take that opinion, say thanks but not thanks, and look at other options.

    Both your husband and your mother appear to be a bit manipulative in terms of putting their wants and needs before your own more fundamental wants and needs. I get your husband saying things to make you reconsider leaving but your mum should have your back and the hell with having a man around to do things that need to be done, particularly if he's not even doing them. I wonder if perhaps rather than a detailed plan you maybe just bite the bullet and tell him it's over and get onto Centrelink asap. Then once that hurdle is cleared, you can look at the next one or two big obstacles and work around them. Maybe the prospect of trying to figure it all out now is too daunting? At the end of the day, your mum won't leave you destitute will she? It's drastic but do you maybe rest in the knowledge that at worst you end up living with her with pets that don't get along? That's a pretty good "worst" situation if you want out now.
    I know, I didn't mean it the way it came across, I just can't imagine finding them new homes unless it was absolutely necessary, and I don't believe it is at this stage. They are very high on my list of priorities. I think the thing with my mother is that she feels like the rug will be pulled out from beneath her, and it makes her very anxious. But that is probably more to do with her own mental state than the reality. (menopause and anxiety). I think the financial side will be ok, and I believe I can learn to do anything on the property, as challenging as that will be. The next hurdle is just the emotional side of it, hurting my husband, which I really really really don't want to do. I may not love him like a husband, but I care for him very much and it really kills me to see him upset. It would be easier if he would just leave immediately but he won't, I will have to hassle him to go and it could take weeks. And then I will feel like a complete b!tch. And probably cave and let him stay. And all of this will have been for nothing. Again. How can I stay resolute? How can I know I have actually decided this is for the best?

  8. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janesmum123 View Post
    Has your mum considered selling the property? It sounds like it is hard and expensive to maintain. Maybe the both of you could get something smaller?
    Yes, that is something she has previously said she is prepared to do, so it is a possibility. She later said she didn't think we would find anything cheaper anyway, but it's possible.

  9. #48
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    re: your husband doing handywork around the house for your mum. I am just going to put it out there, whereby you could agree for him to do work around the house still, instead of CS ? That way your mum is ok and your husband maybe ok with it. However I am not sure how it would actually work.

    You have to have faith in yourself that you CAN do it. Have you any close friends, that could help out re: child minding whilst on a driving lesson ? Or better still able to help you and teach you to drive ? So that you have your drivers license sooner, cos I know you will feel a lot more confident in yourself once you have this, and independent

  10. #49
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    As a short term thing, could you move in with your mum, let your husband stay in your house, and tell him he has x number of days to get out at which point if he doesn't, you can take further action? Then the pets can stay with him and you can move back when he's gone.

    I have no doubt you still care for him and it will be incredibly painful for him if you choose to end the marriage. You need to decide whether you can live with that or live with how you currently feel. I suspect the pain of hurting him will ease but the way you feel will only get worse.

    As for your mum, you need to get her to deal with her own issues about this privately. She can't burden you with her anxiety about your marriage ending. She's not in your marriage.

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  12. #50
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    I just want to acknowledge your bravery already. You don't have to have this conversation today or tonight or this week with him. Also I commend you for being realistic and not putting your partner down or blaming anyone. The more you learn what options you have the better decision making you can do. Good luck. Be the strength you want your daughter to admire x

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