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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    No, I really appreciate the questions, it will help me to figure out what I can actually do. I have a car that needs about $1000 worth of work, so that will be the next step after I get my license. I don't have any family close by, other than my mother who lives next door. I could theoretically stay with her and rent this place out, but I think she would rather I just stay put, we have a lot of dogs so it's a bit chaotic when we're all together, and she wouldn't really like anyone else on the property. oh plus our cats don't get along too well. I have discussed it a few times with her, I mentioned that previously that she wants me to be happy and will support any choice I make, but she is really worried about our future, with the upkeep of the property and losing his income. (Whilst we're not paying her anything yet, our plan is to start paying in a year, and that money will really help her pay off her mortgage).
    It sounds like she's more concerned about how him leaving will affect her rather than how him staying is affecting you. I have absolutely no idea about his financial obligations to you should you separate or what would happen in a divorce. It would probably be worth getting legal advice to find out where you stand financially as it seems to be the biggest barrier to separating from him. I think you need to consider what your return to work options are probably sooner than you'd like. I know you want to stay home with your daughter so I guess it's either a case of sticking out until she's school age or going back to work before she starts school. And that really depends on how you think you're going to fare if you decide to stay for a while. It's a tough situation you're in, I wish there was an easy answer.

    ETA: I know it's easy to say but the pets can be rehomed if that's what's needed to make things easier for you. If the only barrier to renting and leaving him ends up being the pets, they need to be on the bottom of your list of priorities. I have a dog and two cats so I understand pet ownership, but they can't hinder you anymore than you already are.
    Last edited by Moxy; 16-09-2015 at 15:28.

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to Moxy For This Useful Post:

    VicPark  (16-09-2015)

  3. #32
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    Rehoming them is absolutely not an option, I would never ever do that. I have done a quick centrelink check and it's telling me I would get $1076 per fortnight (parenting payment single plus ftb a and b). Is this really correct? We could afford to live on this until I can get a decent job, but does centrelink really just give you money for having a child?? Do I need to be looking for work? I don't know that legal advice is necessary, we have nothing to split really, given that we haven't paid anything towards our house yet and I would take on the loan payments for our current loan, as they were accrued while renovating our house. He would pay whatever he needed to in terms of child support, I think it's about $50 per fortnight? I have calculated his income vs expenses and he would be ok financially.

  4. #33
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    Hun is everything ok with YOU?

    I just get the feeling that you may need a bit of additional support. Happy healthy people don't enter into a marriage just to have kids. Nor do they buy a house without owning the land and without having a payment plan. Nor do they let pets be a roadblock to moving out of a loveless marriage. Is there any specific reason why your daughter needs homeschooling or is this your preference?

    If you do want out of your marriage go see centrelink for advice on fiances and see legal aid for advice on sorting out an annulment/divorce and the shambles of a housing situation you are in. I'm not saying it will be easy - from what you've mentioned though I don't think it's impossible. You just have to seek advice and try to be aware of when you maybe putting up roadblocks that can infact be worked around.

    Best of luck.

  5. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    No, he won't see anyone. That's why he went on the anti depressants in the first place, to calm his anxiety enough to see a counsellor, because I said if we didn't get some more counselling I would end the relationship. But now he doesn't want to see anyone (separately or together) because he says when we were seeing a counsellor previously he was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear and it had no impact. He doesn't believe there is any value in cognitive behaviour therapy, and he hates talking to new people, so he has just flat out refused to see anyone. He thinks a lot of our problems would be solved if he could get his sleep sorted out (he is overweight and snores and may have sleep apnea), but he won't exercise or eat healthily until he gets a CPAP machine (to help him breathe while sleeping) because he says he is too tired to do anything. So, he's supposed to be going to the doctor to get this machine, or get a sleep trial done, but he keeps putting it off (like for years) because he hates going to the doctor. It's very frustrating, I have very little impact on him and it always takes me saying I'm going to leave for him to promise to do something about our issues, but he never actually does it. Rarely, not never, beccause he did end up seeing a counsellor with me for a few weeks a few years ago.
    Hun I don't think you can be cranky with your hubby for not seeking help and I don't think you should threaten to leave him. You knowingly went into a loveless marriage expecting to be divorced. If things aren't working out for you don't jump on or threaten hubby - take responsibility - take control of ending your marriage yourself.

  6. #35
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    With all due respect, VicPark, people don't always fit into the neat little boxes we want them to. I am fairly intune with my own emotional state and needs, I am not currently depressed if that's what you're asking? Though I am quite unhappy about the relationship. "People" do buy a house without owning the land (we did it) when they think they will just live there forever and it's a lot cheaper than buying your own house and land. There were a lot of factors that led us to move here and enter into this situation, at the time we didn't have much choice because we couldn't afford our previous mortgage. I am happy to be upfront about all of this, and I do understand people finding the situation odd, but it is what it is, and sometimes you just need to accept that people don't all have the same thought processes or belief system that you do. I have seen some of your responses to other posts and I don't think we see to eye to eye on much at all, so while I do genuinely appreciate your (and anyone's) input, I don't have a lot of patience for the delivery. I hope you understand I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. (And I believe this is what you are doing also, so I appreciate that.) I've also probably got my back up after crying over this all day and just learning my husband will be home tonight and I'm not ready to have this conversation with him just yet.

  7. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    . I just want someone to adore me, whether that's a realistic dream or not. And I want someone to pour my love into. I sometimes feel like there's so much love there I could burst, but there's no one to receive it (apart from my daughter but that's not the same thing). I want those late night conversations, that feeling of wanting to be in constant physical contact, that feeling of wanting to be a better person because of your partner. Do you think wanting those things is stupid though?
    Of course wanting those things isn't stupid. However expecting to get them when you knowingly go into a loveless marriage isn't the best move.

    You deserve to experience love and you deserve to be adored. Make it happen by shooting for a marriage of love and not convenience. You can do it xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Hun I don't think you can be cranky with your hubby for not seeking help and I don't think you should threaten to leave him. You knowingly went into a loveless marriage expecting to be divorced. If things aren't working out for you don't jump on or threaten hubby - take responsibility - take control of ending your marriage yourself.
    I don't expect him to seek help to try and love me, that is not what the counselling was for at all. He spent most of our marriage either ignoring me or being rude to me, that was not a part of our deal and I did expect him to get that sorted.

  9. #38
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    Default Stay or go?

    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    With all due respect, VicPark, people don't always fit into the neat little boxes we want them to. I am fairly intune with my own emotional state and needs, I am not currently depressed if that's what you're asking? Though I am quite unhappy about the relationship. "People" do buy a house without owning the land (we did it) when they think they will just live there forever and it's a lot cheaper than buying your own house and land. There were a lot of factors that led us to move here and enter into this situation, at the time we didn't have much choice because we couldn't afford our previous mortgage. I am happy to be upfront about all of this, and I do understand people finding the situation odd, but it is what it is, and sometimes you just need to accept that people don't all have the same thought processes or belief system that you do. I have seen some of your responses to other posts and I don't think we see to eye to eye on much at all, so while I do genuinely appreciate your (and anyone's) input, I don't have a lot of patience for the delivery. I hope you understand I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. (And I believe this is what you are doing also, so I appreciate that.) I've also probably got my back up after crying over this all day and just learning my husband will be home tonight and I'm not ready to have this conversation with him just yet.
    Apologies if you are hurt. That being said I think you need to face up to the reality that your decisions aren't what most would consider to be healthy - they got you into this unhappy state and it is going to be up to you to pull yourself out of it. There is no Shame in seeking professional help to ensure you are making the best possible decisions to ensure your happiness. No shame at all.
    Last edited by VicPark; 16-09-2015 at 16:25.

  10. #39
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    Ok, I get that. I do agree that it seems a crazy thing to do, at the time it just seemed to make sense. (And like I said, it was mostly driven by the panic of thinking I would end up childless, hormonal drive can make you do strange things, and me probably moreso than most).

  11. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by InWatermelonSugar View Post
    Rehoming them is absolutely not an option, I would never ever do that. I have done a quick centrelink check and it's telling me I would get $1076 per fortnight (parenting payment single plus ftb a and b). Is this really correct? We could afford to live on this until I can get a decent job, but does centrelink really just give you money for having a child?? Do I need to be looking for work? I don't know that legal advice is necessary, we have nothing to split really, given that we haven't paid anything towards our house yet and I would take on the loan payments for our current loan, as they were accrued while renovating our house. He would pay whatever he needed to in terms of child support, I think it's about $50 per fortnight? I have calculated his income vs expenses and he would be ok financially.
    That sounds about right regarding payments. If you can live on that then you might have just found your answer.


 
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