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  1. #11
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    Thankyou blondeinbrisvegas, I wrote my last response before reading your post. It felt like a punch in the stomach to be honest, but you are right. I hate relying on other people, particularly my mother, as I feel like a child. I desperately want to be responsible for myself, I just don't know how to get over the driving/job/money hurdles to make it happen. Unfortunately I can't sell the house (well I could but as I don't own the property I would only get $25,000 for it and it would need to be moved to another location - not really an option). I think the only real option is to stay here and try to make the payments, as I'm sure my mother will be flexible (especially given that we haven't even started paying her back the mortgage yet, we are currently paying off a $20,000 bank loan that she wants us to pay off first). I don't even know how I'm going to make the payments on that loan though, that will be a big problem as we are only just making ends meet as it is and my income will basically be halved. Oh jesus I don't know how this is going to work, but I don't really have a choice, do I?

  2. #12
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    Could you get in a boarder to help with $ by paying rent?? There will be a way it's just a matter of finding it.

    Get all your ducks in a row first by finding out what $ you're entitled to etc & go from there.

    Perhaps you can have your driving lessons on the weekend when your husband has your daughter (assuming you've seperated & aren't living together anymore)??

    Can you work from home doing something to make $?? What about becoming a Family Day Care Mum & running it from your house for eg??

    One step at a time Luvxo

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to BlondeinBrisvegas For This Useful Post:

    ScubaGal  (16-09-2015)

  4. #13
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    Yes, I'd forgotten my plan previously was to have the driving lessons on the weekend, I would have to get my husband to pick us up but I think he would, he is not an *******. This is really freaking scary, thanks for being a sounding board x

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    BlondeinBrisvegas  (16-09-2015)

  6. #14
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    Write out your plan of action so you can see it all set out in front of you Luv then you can work out possible solutions whenever an obstacle comes up.

    Might help make things easier/clearer?? I know your husband isn't a bad guy Luv...you're just incompatible & not in love. Most likely you will be better friends to each other eventually than you are husband & wife.

  7. #15
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    before you got married did he know 100% that you weren't in love with him and were only marrying to have a baby and be taken care of? Did he tell you directly he has never loved you?

  8. #16
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    This may come across as rude or offensive and I certainly don't mean it that way, but is it possible your DH is on the spectrum or could he have chronic depression or something?

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    Hmm this is a tricky one. You've managed to get yourself into quite a difficult situation. Obviously you are aware that your choices have not been great ones, but now you need to make a plan for the future, whatever that looks like.

    Honestly, I am in two minds about this. It brings up some interesting philosophical questions about marriage! We all dream of having a wonderful romantic marriage but the fact is, quite a lot of marriages in the world have little to do with love. Part of me wants to tell you that you went into this knowing you weren't in love with each other, it was a conscious decision and there's now a child involved, so you should accept that this is the decision you made and find a way to accept it. Let go of romantic notions and learn to respect and value each other for what each of you bring to the arrangement.

    But I also really want to tell you to end it now, get out before more children are born into it, and allow each other to be happy elsewhere. Practical things can be worked out. Tackle one at a time, get your license and start looking into what kind of work you could do. Consider housing options - could you move in with your mum and rent out your place? Even temporarily?

    Good luck.

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    Chillies  (16-09-2015),delirium  (16-09-2015)

  11. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cue View Post
    Part of me wants to tell you that you went into this knowing you weren't in love with each other, it was a conscious decision and there's now a child involved, so you should accept that this is the decision you made and find a way to accept it. Let go of romantic notions and learn to respect and value each other for what each of you bring to the arrangement.
    Despite what I posted earlier I actually agree with this too. If you both went into it knowing you weren't desperately in love, but were making a commitment to be together and bring a child into the world purely based on a mutually beneficial arrangement - well you may just have to suck it up for now. The arrangement worked, you have your baby girl, you're at home, he's helping out... the only thing you're missing out on is the love part.... which you were ok with before.

    I reckon one thing at a time. Get your license is absolutely number one top priority. Then become financially independant is 2nd priority. Maybe this arrangement needs to continue until your little one is at school, when you will then have time to be looking for work and sorting out your own life. I know you said you wanted to home school, but if you're going to try and get your own life on track, that's probalby not the best plan.

  12. #19
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    I wasn't marrying him to be taken care of, before we had a child we both worked full time and I also took care of EVERYTHING at home. We both want someone home for our daughter now and I am just better suited to the job. I would prefer we both work part time and that is something we have discussed for the future, but right now he finds it too hard to look after her for an entire day/half day etc, so he works and I stay home. But yes, we have always been honest with eachother about how we feel, and both went into this with eyes wide open. He understands that it's hard for me to be in the relationship when there's no love or intimacy etc, but I suppose he is hoping things will change. He doesn't have any ideas on how to make things change, he just knows he wants to stay together. We have been discussing this for years, been to counselling, etc, but I don't know that you can create romantic love where there is none. There was a time when I was pregnant and had all those lovely hormones running around, that I actually felt something like love for him, but when I tried to develop a closeness with him he rejected me and I haven't really fully recovered from the emotional hurt of that. It was really embarassing. Since then he has been the one to want closeness (so he says) but I just can't. I feel like every time I try to have a "normal" relationship with him he rejects me and it wounds my self esteem for a while. I just want someone to adore me, whether that's a realistic dream or not. And I want someone to pour my love into. I sometimes feel like there's so much love there I could burst, but there's no one to receive it (apart from my daughter but that's not the same thing). I want those late night conversations, that feeling of wanting to be in constant physical contact, that feeling of wanting to be a better person because of your partner. Do you think wanting those things is stupid though?

  13. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moxy View Post
    This may come across as rude or offensive and I certainly don't mean it that way, but is it possible your DH is on the spectrum or could he have chronic depression or something?
    He is depressed, we think. He is on anti depressants which he is currently weaning himself off (I'm not really sure why he wants to do this). He has been assessed by a specialist for ASD but she said she doesn't think he is, he just has chronic social anxiety.


 

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