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  1. #1
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    Default Stay or go?

    I haven't read the other threads that seem to touch on this subject, but I will after I get this out.

    I'm almost 32, married for 4 years, have a 3 yr old. My husband and I married because I wanted a child and he didn't see himself in another relationship if we broke up (which we did, many many many times before we married). We have never really been in love, not even on our wedding day (we married at the registry office for many reasons but the main one was that it would just be too weird to have a proper wedding when we weren't actually in love with eachother). We didn't consummate the marriage for 3 months, and when we did it was to try for a baby, there was no love or joy in it. He is emotionally distant, he says he loves me but I'm not sure he really knows what love is. When we talk about ending the relationship he gets very upset and cries a lot, refuses to leave (or agrees but then does nothing), so I feel very confused about what exactly it is he is feeling, but it kind of doesn't matter anymore. I don't love him in any romantic sense, we have zero intimacy or emotional connection, and we have very little in common. He doesn't drink, hit, gamble, do drugs, or do anything particularly terrible, he's just kind of not here, even when we're in the same room I feel incredibly lonely. I don't want to be with him and I would just leave if it were easy, but our living situation is a bit complicated (we live in a house on property that my mother owns), so we cannot sell, and I can't really leave because I have no income, a child, 3 dogs and 2 cats (very hard to find somewhere to rent). The problem with staying here is that it is in the middle of nowhere and I can't drive, so I rely on him to take me grocery shopping, etc. Then there is also the issue of money. I technically own the house, but not the property, and I owe my mother $150,000 as she bought the house for me, but I have no income and can't work until I can drive myself somewhere. And even then, having to put my child in daycare would take all of income. I love being a stay at home mum and dread that changing, as much as I would like to work, I think it's hugely important for my daughter to be at home with me. I had planned to homeschool her for as long as she wanted. I am terrified of everything changing and ending up desolate and penniless. Plus my mother relies on him to do the difficult handyman work around the property. I feel like I can't leave the marriage, because there are too many hurdles, but how can I stay? I want to give myself the chance to find love and be happy, but I don't know how practical that is, given the current situation, or how likely I would be to find love, given that I looked and looked for years and eventually gave up and married my husband. Maybe not everyone can have a romantically loving relationship, there are no guarantees in life, surely? But I am terrified of waking up one day at 70 and realising my life is over and I missed my chance. I don't even know what I'm asking here. Do I stick it out to avoid being homeless, and try to give my daughter a good life instead of being selfish and thinking only of myself? If I end it, how do I do that? How do we survive with no money and huge debt? Is there any chance of finding what I'm looking for or is that just fantasy? Any insight would be appreciated, I am pretty lost here.

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    Couldn't read and run. You sound terribly lonely and sad. I don't think anyone can tell you what you should do, because no one is in your exact situation.
    I guess you could look at it this way: what would you tell your daughter if she were in your shoes in 30 years time? What is your daughter learning from this situation, and are they the sort of things you want her to learn? You'll be surprised at what you can do if you need to. There is always support - your family, Centrelink, charity organisations. You can talk to these places/people before you make your decision.

    Big hugs. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk it out some more.

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    I'll be back to reply over work. Big hugs to you.

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    What did you really think was going to happen though, you knew he didn't love you or you him. I would leave the relationship. The money situation sounds complicated, I'd be getting some legal advice about that. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

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    It's a hard situation, but you keep mentioning your Mum in it all. Maybe start there. Tell her you aren't happy, your worries, your plans etc etc. See what she says about it all. See what arrangement you can come to with her about the owed money. It sounds like you have made up your mind on your marriage. That's all I really have to say, hopefully someone else has some more advice for you... But if I were in that situation, mum would be the first place I went.

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    Thankyou for your replies. I know I probably sound like an idiot, I'm not looking for sympathy of any kind, I just really don't know how to improve things. As for what I thought would happen, I genuinely thought we would have a few children and then divorce when I was mid 40s, and I would possibly meet someone else then. I thought I could stick it out for that long, but now I don't think I can. I don't expect anyone to understand why we chose to bring a child into a loveless marriage, if I was hearing it for the first time I would think it was incredibly selfish too. Unless you have felt that unrelenting desire to have a child, you can't imagine ignoring every other sensible thought in order to make it happen. I had wanted a child since I was 12 years old and I started to really panic that I would be left childless. Anyway, this is all kind of beside the point now.

    My mother has a fair understanding of the situation, and while she is really worried about what would happen if he left, in terms of dealing with "man stuff" on the property, and money, she has said that I need to make a decision and that we will work it out somehow. But it's very hard to stuff up someone else's life for your own happiness, she has helped us so much and she deserves to be happy too. While all of that sounds positive/possible has also said she is really worried that we will end up homeless if he leaves, and when we were preparing to split in the past she was very upset and afraid about the future, it was actually the hardest part of the impending split, to put her through that.

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    Truth is, even if you stay in the marriage and keep going on as you are, things will come to a head eventually, it's not something that's going to be able to continue on forever. I have been in the same situation (not the loveless marriage) where I was living in a 2nd dwelling on my parents property. It was brilliant and we loved it, wish we could have stayed there forever! But after my dad died, mum mum didn't want to be there anymore (too much work even with my hubby there helping out) so we sold up and went our seperate ways.

    Take it or leave it, but this is what we did in a simliar position. We sold the property. Mum used the money she got from the property to buy a little house in a retirement village where she has a great social life and many friends and neighbours, it's awesome As for my and hubby, well we just did what adults do, and rented a home of our own. Obviously harder for you on your own with a daughter (if you leave your husband) but definitely doable. Lots of single mum's out there renting homes.

    No matter what you do RIGHT NOW you're eventually going to have to get out on your own, so really, the choice is, do you do it now or later? Not do you do it at all.

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    You can't stay both you and your partner need a happy life. I would put a plan together re: get your license and a job or do a course so when you leave you can get a cheap car (or use mums) and get a job to be self sufficient. Can mum mind the baby if you were to work or do a course a few days a week? hugs to you my love. Life will get better you just need to plan it. xx

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    I think it's important that you start standing on your own two feet Luv as it seems like you've had/have either your Mum or your husband doing things for you. God knows, you're not the first person to have a relative buy them some kind of property, but in reality what your Mum has done is given you a loan as you don't own it outright.

    I think it's important you get your drivers licence asap too so you have more independence and can get a job etc. Yes, what you did was "panic buy" in regards to marrying your husband. Again, not the first person to get to her late 20's and start freaking out about time running out to have a baby or being left on the shelf etc, etc and quite possibly, your husband felt the same or similar.

    Obviously you're both only together for convenience and more than likely out of fear. A fear of being alone, of starting again, of not being able to find another partner down the track etc. I think that's why he gets upset when you talk about splitting up, his distress stems from fear and he no doubt loves his daughter so there's the upset there of maybe not being able to see her everyday etc.

    At the end of the day, I'll bet he's as miserable in this marriage as you are Luv and that's no way for either of you to live. It's even more importantly no way for your daughter to live either. You and your husband are her role models and are teaching her about life and love even at this early stage of her life. Make no mistake that she's taking it all in and what is she learning when she most likely never see's her parents hugging or kissing or using any kind of loving words or gestures to each other etc.??

    Life is short Luv and I'd rather be alone and happy then in a relationship and miserable. Your daughter needs to grow up seeing both of her parents happy and that can't happen while you both still stay together. Where there's no love, there's no point IMO. As a PP said, you can always sell the house and reimburse your Mum her money or perhaps you can go and rent a place and you can sell the place to him if he'd be eligible for a home loan etc??

    You need to find out from Centrelink what $ you'd be entitled to including Child Support and you need to get your licence asap. Whatever plans you had of being a SAHM or home schooling will have to be put on hold until you get yourself sorted out. If you and your husband behave like mature adults, then you can work out a way to separate and still co-parent your daughter effectively with as minimal a disruption to her emotionally etc as possible.

    Or else seek out professional counselling so you can both learn how to separate in the most painless way possible. I agree with a PP who said that if you stay, things will come to a head eventually. It always does Luv in one way or another not to mention you'll both just keep making yourselves, each other and most importantly your daughter eventually, miserable.
    Last edited by BlondeinBrisvegas; 16-09-2015 at 12:30.

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    I have started driving lessons, I'm just really bad at it so it will take a while, and I'm not sure how I'd get to the lessons if my husband left (have to drive 45 minutes to a bigger town). My mum works and will not mind my daughter afternoons or nights because she doesn't have the energy/doesn't want to, which is fair enough. I am making a plan today to see if we could actually get by temporarily on benefits, but the bigger problem is long term, being able to earn a decent income. I'm so annoyed at myself for not planning my life better. No career and can't drive, I'm such an idiot. I'm actually a reasonably intelligent person (I think) but I just seem to be missing quite a few important life skills.


 

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