I haven't read the other threads that seem to touch on this subject, but I will after I get this out.
I'm almost 32, married for 4 years, have a 3 yr old. My husband and I married because I wanted a child and he didn't see himself in another relationship if we broke up (which we did, many many many times before we married). We have never really been in love, not even on our wedding day (we married at the registry office for many reasons but the main one was that it would just be too weird to have a proper wedding when we weren't actually in love with eachother). We didn't consummate the marriage for 3 months, and when we did it was to try for a baby, there was no love or joy in it. He is emotionally distant, he says he loves me but I'm not sure he really knows what love is. When we talk about ending the relationship he gets very upset and cries a lot, refuses to leave (or agrees but then does nothing), so I feel very confused about what exactly it is he is feeling, but it kind of doesn't matter anymore. I don't love him in any romantic sense, we have zero intimacy or emotional connection, and we have very little in common. He doesn't drink, hit, gamble, do drugs, or do anything particularly terrible, he's just kind of not here, even when we're in the same room I feel incredibly lonely. I don't want to be with him and I would just leave if it were easy, but our living situation is a bit complicated (we live in a house on property that my mother owns), so we cannot sell, and I can't really leave because I have no income, a child, 3 dogs and 2 cats (very hard to find somewhere to rent). The problem with staying here is that it is in the middle of nowhere and I can't drive, so I rely on him to take me grocery shopping, etc. Then there is also the issue of money. I technically own the house, but not the property, and I owe my mother $150,000 as she bought the house for me, but I have no income and can't work until I can drive myself somewhere. And even then, having to put my child in daycare would take all of income. I love being a stay at home mum and dread that changing, as much as I would like to work, I think it's hugely important for my daughter to be at home with me. I had planned to homeschool her for as long as she wanted. I am terrified of everything changing and ending up desolate and penniless. Plus my mother relies on him to do the difficult handyman work around the property. I feel like I can't leave the marriage, because there are too many hurdles, but how can I stay? I want to give myself the chance to find love and be happy, but I don't know how practical that is, given the current situation, or how likely I would be to find love, given that I looked and looked for years and eventually gave up and married my husband. Maybe not everyone can have a romantically loving relationship, there are no guarantees in life, surely? But I am terrified of waking up one day at 70 and realising my life is over and I missed my chance. I don't even know what I'm asking here. Do I stick it out to avoid being homeless, and try to give my daughter a good life instead of being selfish and thinking only of myself? If I end it, how do I do that? How do we survive with no money and huge debt? Is there any chance of finding what I'm looking for or is that just fantasy? Any insight would be appreciated, I am pretty lost here.