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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Marigold~ View Post
    Reading your post, I feel so much of your distress coming through. It appears that YOU are feeling like you're not "a great mum" and your daughter knows this so is almost going right at your weakness, hitting that nerve because she already knows how you're feeling within yourself. She's saying exactly what she knows will hurt you and it's working; you're explaining yourself even to us in your post, with things like "I reckon I'm a great mum 90% of the time" and to me it feels like you're trying to prove yourself when you absolutely don't need to and shouldn't have to, especially when it's an 8 year old child bringing all of these negative emotions back to the surface. I also don't think you should have to justify to her why you're asking her daddy to take the baby, you don't need to explain yourself. Next time she makes a negative remark just reply "that's not a nice thing to say" so she knows that a) she's being mean and b) you're not going to fumble and explain anything about your actions, because you're confident in the fact that needing a break from the baby is totally OK and doesn't make you a bad or uncaring mother.
    Has she ever witnessed anyone else in the family do this to you? I just feel like she knows your weakness (or perceived weakness, PND is certainly not a weakness and does not make one a bad mother, although it feels that way for the sufferer- I know, I've been there with my first bub) and usually people would be sensitive towards that.
    How does/has your partner dealt with your PND? Sorry to ask, but she may be mimicking negative behavior she's witnessing.
    Wow you are so spot on! Are you a counsellor / mind reader 😉 You know I'd never made that connection. I do feel like I need / want to explain myself. I've been sahp for 8 years I do question if I've gone wrong somewhere along the line, but I also don't think I should have to be perfect. Dp generally doesn't perceive any issue. She's his little angel. We fought a bit a while back before I went to see a psychologist. Dd was threatening me with knives (she thought ok as she didn't hurt me). Dp wasn't fazed 'she's just a kid'. Psychologist was very concerned. Gave me some tips and things have improved but we're still not close. Dp thinks she's craving attention so I try really hard to focus on the positives and let little things go. When I was feeling particularly overwhelmed I tried talking to Dp and he told me if I wanted to improve my relationship with dd I should put away my phone. That's it. They're very alike things are black and white and when criticised they go on the offensive. So I had to try and explain to my partner that most of my use of my phone is actually organising play dates / shopping / activities etc for the kids and at that time I was on bub hub a fair bit as I was struggling emotionally and had no one to talk to. I think he expects me to be super mum too, says he doesn't care about mess etc and seems to think I can fit in more and more playtime with kids but never ask them to tidy up. He's the first to ask me where things are in the chaos. I think he's still sulking that we have bub. I think that's what hurt so much when dd says I don't love bub enough cus I've been her all and everything Dp practically ignored her for the first year. Oops there I go again... Thx for that message I think working on my own confidence that I'm a good enough mum might be a place to start

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Marigold~ View Post
    Stop blaming yourself! I don't think you need a parenting course. Maybe your 8 year old needs a course in how to respect her mother and show some empathy. I know she's just a child, but I really think this behaviour needs to be curbed asap. Even at her age she'd know she's hurting you and I just don't understand why she feels the need. Saying that you don't love the baby enough is really, really hurtful, having that accusation thrown at you, especially while you're in such a sensitive frame of mind already must be soul destroying. I really feel for you OP.
    Does her father pull her up?
    Sometimes I try asking questions rather than telling her off so I might say 'Do you think it was kind/ nice to hit your brother?' often she will say I don't care I'm not a nice person I don't care about being kind. Then she thinks we are so different as I want her to be this nice person and she thinks she is not. She has esteem issues which makes things harder as we walk on eggshells but I don't think that has helped

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  5. #13
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    I think you are doing fabulous.

    When you have a sick clingy baby and you are away on holidays .. yes if your DP has been out having fun in the snow all day and comes back its pretty normal to want to hand over the sick/clingy/little one. Even if she hadnt been sick, taking turns so that each of you get a break from a small child is normal. Its healthy.

    It makes you a better, happier, more relaxed and loving Mum to have a break.

    As for your 8 yr old - yep sadly its normal for them to say things that hurt at times. Kids can be cruel and they say things ... sometimes intentionally to lash out, and other times because they dont really think about the consequences of how that will make the person feel.

    its a normal part of them growing.

    I tend to respond with a 'That doesnt make me feel very good, its not a nice thing to say' and walk away. Later when I am not so emotional I will explain that 'those kind of comments hurt Mum and make me upset' and try to instill some compassion


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    hi freyamum. I remember your posts about the counselling session that ended up being more about your daughter than about you. I think you have a very difficult relationship with your dp because of his work schedule and other things. and also your relationship with your children is not on the best footing. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. you are doing a great job, and you need to start building up your own self esteem. when you say you have read many books that you are more confused? that makes me think you have really tried to be every thing to everyone, and that is simply not possible. please remember, life is a work in progress, no one has all the answers, and no one is perfect. can I suggest you start putting yourself first just a little bit. I don't mean you become some queen in her castle, but just that you start meeting your needs at least slightly more often. perhaps your 8 yr old has seen you being last on the list too many times. big hugs, marie.

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    Default Do your kids hurt your feelings?

    @Freyamum is it possible she's being bullied at school? I know when my eldest turned into a monster at home she was being bullied at school and having a horrible time so coming home and taking it out on us and her younger sister in particular. She didn't admit it for a while but a lot of what she was saying at the time was similar to your DD.

    We wound up seeing a child psych and it was the best thing we did. She was able to talk through what she was going through and also be given boundaries about appropriate behaviour. She was still having a hard time at school but at least it wasn't coming home anymore and I could work with her rather than against her.

    Just a thought.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    @Freyamum is it possible she's being bullied at school? I know when my eldest turned into a monster at home she was being bullied at school and having a horrible time so coming home and taking it out on us and her younger sister in particular. She didn't admit it for a while but a lot of what she was saying at the time was similar to your DD.

    We wound up seeing a child psych and it was the best thing we did. She was able to talk through what she was going through and also be given boundaries about appropriate behaviour. She was still having a hard time at school but at least it wasn't coming home anymore and I could work with her rather than against her.

    Just a thought.
    I do sometimes wonder if she is having social problems at school, but she won't say anything. She started being difficult right at the beginning of kindy so I think it's mostly a lack of social skills and this pressure she feels to behave in class. She's such an active jumpy girl at home sitting at her desk all day is hard and even now year 3 she hates being told off so is perfect at school and then let's off steam at home which unfortunately has meant me being her punching bag. She often gets angry and upset and says that I don't love her as much as her brother. I've found this very upsetting and have been trying so hard to prove this isn't true. I had an epiphany yesterday though when I was trying to fairly share markers and she threw all the names at me, she got warnings and then was sent to her room. The you love him more than me thing came out again and I finally realised that she would only be happy if I always favoured her. She is so sensitive hates to be told what to do or even gentle correction so I think unless she can totally rule the house and get her way in everything she will always blame me. And the fact that she knows it upsets me had made her say these things more whenever she feels things aren't going her way. Wrapped up in low self esteem I think which I want to help her with but a big step for me is to not take her vitriol so personally I think.

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    I have a strong belief some children (particular girls) never really recover from having younger siblings. Like they would have been much happier as only children. This is just my pop psychology from watching a number of my friends kids over the years. I definitely think oldest children can often feel as if they are the only ones who ever compromise. I know that's how my oldest sees the world.

    I think it sounds like she needs professional help, hard as that is to acknowledge. It hugely helped my DD.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    I have a strong belief some children (particular girls) never really recover from having younger siblings. Like they would have been much happier as only children. This is just my pop psychology from watching a number of my friends kids over the years. I definitely think oldest children can often feel as if they are the only ones who ever compromise. I know that's how my oldest sees the world.

    I think it sounds like she needs professional help, hard as that is to acknowledge. It hugely helped my DD.
    I agree! My eldest would be well suited to being an only child- she resents her younger sister very much.

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    Interesting idea that she isn't coping with having siblings. I'm the eldest in my family and never ever remember feeling any less loved because of subsequent siblings. 3 is seen as a big family these days but was pretty standard when I grew up and we all coped.

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    I don't have any advice OP, and it seems others do.

    But I wanted to say that yes our two do say hurtful things (to me and their mum as we are their primary caregivers) but only when they are upset or frustrated about something.

    E.g. DSS was in time out for throwing a book at DSD a few weeks ago and he kept going on and on about how this is H's house and not mine.
    I calmly but firmly told him that my name is on the lease too, H and I are married so anything that is "his" or "mine" is now "ours" as that is how marriage works. And I walked away.
    He had said it before and been warned by H, so this time H said to him that if he could not respect that the house is mine and his (and theirs) that he was free to not come at all. DSS didn't like that but thought about it and apologised.

    Usually it's only stuff like "you're mean/unfair/etc" and always when we are correcting behaviour, but the above example has happened a few times and always bugs me... I guess because I am their stepmum and there will always be a small part the feels outside the unit.


 

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