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  1. #1
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    Default How to enjoy your teenager? And/or Aspie child?

    Any tips?
    I feel like most of the interactions we have are me nagging him, and him sulking and pouting. Arrgghhh!!! He's only 12.5. I've got a while to go before I see this phase out!
    Is it worse during first year of high school? I'm wondering if maybe that doesn't help, as I'm constantly on at him about doing school work, and he's probably tired from school.
    But for goodness sake it doesn't take much to not throw your dirty socks/shoes/schoolbag/tissues/etc etc etc on the floor and not pick it up. And then to carry on when I ask him to pick things up! And then there's the mobile phone/playing games issue for every second of the day, so I'm constantly yelling at him to get off his phone as well. Then, if looks could kill.... I'm always made out to be the bad guy!

    It also doesn't help that he has mild Aspergers, so his social skills aren't great. It's hard to have a light hearted, spontaneous conversation with him. He doesn't like touch and affection. He's not a 'fun-loving' person, he is very serious.

    With my other kids I can have one on one time with them, being spontaneous, chatting, laughing, cuddling. But that doesn't really work with him. So what could I do to have good one on one time? We don't really have any mutual interests. Even if we did, he's not very flexible, so he doesn't really like doing things that don't specifically suit him.
    Also having one on one time at all is difficult as then I'd need to get the other 2 babysat, so it's few and far between unfortunately.

    It's not fun. He also enjoys tormenting his siblings, which really doesn't help the household tension.

    Any advice?

    Please don't quote, I may delete parts later, as I'm feeling the mother-guilt....
    Last edited by CMF; 03-09-2015 at 11:42.

  2. #2
    SuperGranny's Avatar
    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    I hope you don't feel too much mummy guilt. I think you are doing the best you can, and asking for some help is very wise. I don't know anything in particular, but have you checked out your local library for books about teenage years. I have read some books about aspie children as I have a grandson on the spectrum. I know there are books with helpful ideas. even perhaps some books your child / teenagers could read. marie.

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  4. #3
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    Thanks Marie. I have read parenting books on Aspie kids and also how to have good communication with kids in general, but I think it's time to step up to the teenage versions of these books. DS is seeing his psych in a couple of weeks so I can have a chat to her as well. She adores him and thinks he's wonderful, so I'll have to pick her brain about it lol.

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    today my aspie grandson is having a special 'brainways' day a school here on the sunshine coast. I had to drive to bris to get him from home, so he could get here on time this morning. not possible for my daughter to get her other boy to school and J up here for 9am start. he is doing workshops, with a whole bunch of kids from different schools, relating to chemisty !!! such a bright boy, and such a proud grandma. I cant wait to hear all about his day, but I know he wont say much to me, and I want him to tell his mum, so I wont push him to share with me. so cool. marie.

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    Subbing to reply when I get home

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    CMF  (03-09-2015)

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    Wow! I swear that was me writing about my dd1. She is 10 and sound exactly the same. Exactly! So I can't really offer advice, only empathize.

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    CMF  (03-09-2015)

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    I'll preface this by saying that my eldest is 3. I have, however, been a high school teacher and a carer for kids in state care. I've worked, and lived for half the week, with some very difficult teenagers. My top suggestions (may not be right for everyone, but work well for me) would be:

    1. Let go of trying to control behaviour. It's hard, but we can't make kids do what we think is best. Set necessary boundaries and point out likely consequences, then leave the choices up to them. So with the homework example, you might point out what will happen if he doesn't do it, then leave him to it. See how he goes over a few weeks...he may surprise you. Where behaviour isn't acceptable...boundaries. So "I can't let you leave your bag on the floor. If you don't move it I will put it in your room.", then ata time when everyone's calm, explain why it maters to you and see if you can find a solution that works for you both, and a wayto help him remember.

    2. Ignore the trivial, praise the positive...like a toddler. Be explicit, especially given aspie. e.g. "I like that you stopped playing your game; I feel happy when we talk to each other".

    3. Take up one of his interests. Learn about it; ask him to teach you. The more you know about something, the more interesting/complex it seems...and then you have a point of contact.

    Edit:
    just realised he drops all sorts of stuff. A box in his room and everything goes straight in there if he leaves it sitting around? Gets it out of your way, and still his responsibility to deal with.

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    Actually you know what I do to try to feel close to her? She hates touch and affection too so I wait until she is at school and occasionally lay in her bed. It's not the same as her being there but it helps.

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    CMF  (03-09-2015)

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    My husband has Aspergers. It's not official but his dad has it and hubby's family and I are convinced as he is textbook Aspie. Life is hard. It's hard to maintain a decent relationship with him, not just for me - but for everyone in his life. He struggles with co-workers too. I really feel for you, I'm hoping my boys are not like their father... They seem normal so far but they are still very young...

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    CMF  (03-09-2015)

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    I can give you a big huge hug! Both my dh and both my boys are on the spectrum. My dh and ds1 are aspie the youngest is sensory.
    I am doing a language course at the moment and it is helping me realise that the only way to get in my dh and ds1's field of view is to shove myself there.
    Ds1 loves his tablet and psp so I have an app now to control them. He has to spend time with me first. Or do tasks if he wants more time.
    I'm playing turn taking games(connect 4) and getting him to answer and ask questions. If he wants a turn he has to answer any questions I can think of. If I want a turn I have to answer any questions he can think of.
    It gets boring but it is helping me get the lines open.

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    CMF  (03-09-2015)


 

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