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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by trustno1 View Post
    Please please don't stay till your daughters leave home, if your intention is to leave. My parents stayed together in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage for "the kids" and to be honest I think it did far more harm than good. Myself and my siblings all have issues with relationships, that I am positive are a result of living with such a terrible example of a relationship.
    My DH's parents did the same - stuck together until the kids left home. Admittedly it was much more of a toxic relationship than the OP's, but consequently my DH and his sister witnessed a lot behaviour no poor children should have to see or hear.

    OP, if you really want out of this relationship, please know that there are always options - planning is the key. You sound so unhappy, it's no way to live.

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by trustno1 View Post
    Please please don't stay till your daughters leave home, if your intention is to leave. My parents stayed together in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage for "the kids" and to be honest I think it did far more harm than good. Myself and my siblings all have issues with relationships, that I am positive are a result of living with such a terrible example of a relationship.
    I agree with this. My parents stayed together even though their marriage was crappy. They agreed to split up at one point and were serious enough to tell me when I was about 14. I won't lie. I cried. Because I was mourning a loss, but at the same time, I was okay with it because I was tired of the misery. They didn't split up in the end and at the time, I wish they did. But I believe they stayed together out of loneliness and a fear of what others would think.

    Please don't take this the wrong way, but don't use your kids as an excuse to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. In a way, you are placing a burden on them. If you truly feel like your marriage isn't worth saving, you should leave.

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  5. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by trustno1 View Post
    Please please don't stay till your daughters leave home, if your intention is to leave. My parents stayed together in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage for "the kids" and to be honest I think it did far more harm than good. Myself and my siblings all have issues with relationships, that I am positive are a result of living with such a terrible example of a relationship.

    This. I am the same. My father stayed with my mother (having promised to leave and take us with him) when he knew that she is a violent narcissist harming us and him. He is *still* with her, a shadow of his former self and I find it hard to have any respect for him (although I love him and wish I could help him =( )

    I would add that you have two daughters. Do you want them to grow into adults thinking that the kind of relationship you have with your husband is right/appropriate? If you do not show them that you have a right to expect more, they will not expect it for themselves and may well end up stuck in the same sort of situation as they think it is just "how things are".
    Last edited by Catkin; 03-09-2015 at 13:30.

  6. #14
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    I'm not sure if you are asking for support or advice or just venting.

    It sounds quite Sh!tful to be honest, I also dont get the spend too much and live on baked beans but everything else would be intolerable to me.

    I've got a friend whose husband is older than her and she has commented that after he dies she will still have a few decades to start her life again (he's nowhere near deaths door), my question is do you look back at your life on your last day on earth and think you lived well? Or wasted your life in a crap marriage instead of being happy.

  7. #15
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    Sorry, I think people have focused on the baked beans bit too much. This is normal for someone on a low income. Everyone at my work is pretty much the same.

    We lived quite comfortably when the kids were little but wages have not increased at the same rate as phone, electricity, rates, petrol etc.
    Another complication is that there was a flood in my area in 2011 which decimated property prices. They have still not come back up to what they were before we purchased the house, so if we sold we would be left with nothing.

    I get about $900 a fortnight, and rents don't go below $400 a week, even for townhouses.

    I think I just wanted to hear that I am not being unreasonable in being annoyed by his behaviour. (and a vent also)

  8. #16
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    I guess my query with the baked beans was is this avoidable and you actually have spent over budget meaning you are left with baked beans. In which case then he would be justified in being annoyed.

    But if your expenses and income mean that you have no other choice than to do that then it's unreasonable for him to blame you.

  9. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackdog View Post
    I think I just wanted to hear that I am not being unreasonable in being annoyed by his behaviour. (and a vent also)
    I think you are being unreasonable in *just* being annoyed. I think you should be actively doing something about it, if not for yourself, for your daughters (see my previous post).

    I don't count the personal counselling in that, as from the sounds of things that is for you alone and is not marriage counselling unless he is involved. It is also not helping you deal with the situation or you wouldn't be asking the particular questions you are on here.


    With regards income, we get around $700 per fortnight in family tax benefit because we are a low income family. You can also get single income supplements, rent assistence etc etc as the support from centerlink is far higher for single parents.

    With an income of 2700 per fortnight, unless he is frittering his away completely, I don't understand the beans weeks. The 5 of us are on $1200 a fortnight and while we need to cut back, we won't be living on baked beans. If he is being that controlling etc it is even more reason to set an example and break out of it. You would even be better off financially at that point.

    Edited to add: I really don't mean to come across unsympathetic, I think you're in a ****ty situation and I feel for you but I also think you are in position to do more about it than you are and I am worried about your kids having been there myself.
    Last edited by Catkin; 03-09-2015 at 16:05.

  10. #18
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    Another who thinks that you need to take a dual approach. Your finances probably do need some consideration but it needs to be a partnership approach. You don't sound like you are in one.

  11. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackdog View Post
    Sorry, I think people have focused on the baked beans bit too much. This is normal for someone on a low income. Everyone at my work is pretty much the same.

    We lived quite comfortably when the kids were little but wages have not increased at the same rate as phone, electricity, rates, petrol etc.
    Another complication is that there was a flood in my area in 2011 which decimated property prices. They have still not come back up to what they were before we purchased the house, so if we sold we would be left with nothing.

    I get about $900 a fortnight, and rents don't go below $400 a week, even for townhouses.

    I think I just wanted to hear that I am not being unreasonable in being annoyed by his behaviour. (and a vent also)
    You would get something off Centrelink. It's doable if you want to do it.

  12. #20
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    So let me get this straight.
    Your husband refuses to spend time with you and your kids as a family. Doesn't help around the house, doesn't want to help with HIS kids and spaks it because you leave him cooked meals and go to the gym? Seriously? You need to get yourself a copy of the book Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Read it and reasess your life. Your husband is a complete ********. He would last 5 minutes with me.

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