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  1. #11
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    Have they forgotten what it's like to get out and about with kids? And how busy life is? It really sounds to me like they want you to put their needs ahead of your families.

    Could it be aimed at a particular sibling? Are they fighting a battle on behalf of a sibling?

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    Somerset Woman  (03-09-2015)

  3. #12
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    I've found having a set weekly dinner with each side of the family stops any of this more time/less time drama.
    MIL on Tuesday's my parents on Wednesday.

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  5. #13
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    Ugh sounds like my in laws. So needy as they have no friends - they are major a-holes who have alienated everyone. The fil cut off my hubby and his brother because we don't visit enough (asin every single weekend) and then blamed it on me and my sil as we have takrn his boys away from him. Excuse us for having our own lives!! We are in our 30's!

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  7. #14
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    Default Grandparent issues

    This is not normal behaviour obviously. I think they had their time to build their family and now it's your turn to have your family.

    If my parents or in-laws demanded such from me in anyway I would be distancing myself even further.

    Young families need time to find their own "culture" and pattern. Life ebbs and flows and they should give you the space to find your feet. It sounds like you already bend over backwards.

    In our family we have set up a monthly lunch/dinner now, alternating sibling houses. This was Initiated by the siblings, not parents, as we have found our groove now with each of our own families and want the kids to see each other more. There have been times where I haven't seen or spoken to some of my family except at large family gatherings with months/years.

    Edit: but what I don't get it is they identify that because they can't plan events in advance, that is causing the distance however they are not willing to change. It is not normal to be able to organise Christmas or birthdays on a whim, they have to be planned and if they don't want to lock it in then that is their problem, not yours.
    Last edited by Busy Bee; 03-09-2015 at 14:33.

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  9. #15
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    Sounds like they might be directing this at one of your siblings and not necessarily you but they sent it to everyone? Seem pretty needy in my eyes, I enjoy not having to spend so much time with my family.

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    Somerset Woman  (03-09-2015)

  11. #16
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    How painful! I hate this kind of thing. I get it from my parents sometimes but it's not as direct. They just make little comments here and there and occasionally get all upset over something small. Drives me nuts.

    I would reply and say that while you appreciate that they love their family and want to spend time with everyone, they have to understand that it's not always possible to pop in all the time or attend every family event. If they feel like they are missing out, they need to talk to the relevant family member directly and be proactive in organising time with them. While it may not be their style to plan everything, it doesn't sound like their current way of doing things is working for them.

    I have had to tell my parents on a number of occasions to communicate what they want, don't just a hope we figure it out and then get the sh!ts if we don't. They will tell me a thousand times that they are happy to celebrate Christmas early or late if that works, no big deal, but then mum had a go at me recently because we changed our Christmas plans (months in advance, mind you) two years ago. So she's obviously been stewing on it. And the change was to spend Christmas Day with them!! My ILs had to travel that year so we swapped (usually we alternate Christmases between mine & DHs families). My mum was annoyed because she felt DHs family "can just change their minds without caring about how that effects anyone else". Yet she insists she doesn't have an issue with his family. Can't win sometimes. Anyhoo...

    Good luck.

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  13. #17
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    Just thinking it is a very negative and lengthy message. Could have solved the issue and any confrontation with a quick. "Hey Kids, Christmas Lunch at our joint this year."

    Was the previous generation taught action and consequence?

  14. #18
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    It is a lengthy and rather complicated message. So this is what I get out of it:

    1. They feel like they don't see their family enough
    2. They feel like their children and grandchildren don't see enough of each other
    3. They would like you to drop in more at their place
    4. They acknowledge that family events sometimes happen without them because they don't like making plans in advance.

    I think they have made it a very difficult message to answer because they offer no constructive suggestions to improve any of this, just really a complaint that they are disappointed you don't live your lives in the same way they do.

    I think a face to face conversation with them is needed where you ask them to clarify their problems (as the message is a bit confusing get), then turn the conversation around to 'So, what can we do to make this better?'. Just them saying 'We want you to drop in' isn't constructive, it doesn't suit most people's modern lifestyles. Maybe if say you agree to pop in with the kids one afternoon a week and in return they agree to schedule in some major events such as birthdays etc.? I'm sure a compromise could be worked out?

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  16. #19
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    ^ That's great, thank you. Makes it a lot easier for me to decipher. I knew someone emotionally removed would be able to see the message better then I would. This helps heaps.

  17. #20
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    It's a bit upsetting that thy couldn't say this in person to you or your siblings.

    Do they ever visit you or are you just expected to visit them?

    I feel sad that they feel that way but sad also that they dumped that all on you, esp if they think you spend more time with in laws and not so much with them (that's the impression I got, correct me if I'm wrong).

    Hugs OP


 

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