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  1. #1
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    Default Grandparent issues

    Hi there

    I recived the following message from my parents via FB yesterday and it has really hurt me for a few reasons.

    1. I do not feel I am in any way distanced from my siblings and family. We are all in our 30's and 40's and we can all and often do stand in the same room together along with our partners and children and all get along. Last time I spent time with my parents was last Friday when they had to cut the meeting off short to rush off and see a friend! Last time I spent time with a brother was Friday fornight ago, my parents were also there then. Last time all 4 siblings and parents were together was mid July. There were 3 parties involving grand children that most siblings were at in May and June that my parents did not attened as they were on holidays. From what I recall there has only been one Christmas missed from one of our brothers who was visiting his wife's family in another state. All other years we have spent Christmas dinner together. Most Easters are also spent together.

    2. Seems this is very one sided. The door is also always welcome in our home for them to drop in, but they keep ranting on about their family home.

    3. The whole point of this letter is to say that me and my siblings spend more time with our in laws then them.
    Are they stalking me/us counting hours of who I/we spend time with?
    Creepy parents... Lol

    Seriously, how does the letter below sound from an outsiders point of view and advice on how to deal with the letter would also be appreciated.

    Just want peace,

    Somerset Woman


    "Hello Everyone

    I would like everyone to read this with their relevant partners and any other family or extended family members they can muster up. I'm sending this in letter form so the message won't be lost in translation.

    This is something that should have been said a long time ago and now Mum and I feel that a culture has formed that is allowing the **** side of the family to be distant. Now if this is a result of personality clashes or something that has been said then that is fair enough but I'm yet to be convinced that that is the main cause.

    We are well aware that when you take up partners in your life that you develop your own culture and your old culture or your childhood culture seems somewhat strange after a while. That is fine, it is how it should be and we wouldn't want it any different. However, our culture or Mum and my culture seems to be lost in translation and the end result is this family drift, we don't see family near enough, especially the Grandkids and I shudder to think of the last time our kids have visited their brother or sisters home.

    Now I would just like to spell out our culture or Mum and my culture so everyone can either consider this in the future or if you wish dismiss it. It's up to you.

    We have a culture that we expect people to come to this house whenever they so desire. That is, to drop in as they go past or come out for the day or week without invitation. We expect family to treat this place as their own and indeed it won't be too long before it is. The only phone call we expect is for your own convenience to see if we are home or have enough food. We have a very spontaneous and disorganised life as far as that is concerned and if you wait for something to be organised then you will be waiting for a long time. Now Mum and I feel that this has left us at a disadvantage when it comes to family gatherings and grandchildren time. We find it very difficult to organise events such as Christmas, birthdays, family days etc. weeks or months in advance and consequently when they come around we are left out or those days are taken up elsewhere. We feel that this is one of the causes of this family drift.

    We only ask that we and your other family members be considered when organising your life and given a fair go. I'm sure that if this were the case this family distance would cease.

    I would also like to make special mention of ***** and *****. We feel desperately sorry for them both because of their separation from their families and I would ask everyone to also consider this.

    Dad.
    Last edited by Somerset Woman; 03-09-2015 at 22:22.

  2. #2
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    Oh I must also mention they are taking both our kids for a 3 week caravanning holiday in September! What more can I give them? My first born permanently! : /

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    Hard to judge from just your post and letter, but it strikes me as odd that they expect you to drop in whenever you're passing, but can't put the effort in to organise Christmas. If that's "their culture" then that is fair enough, THEY can do that. Perhaps dropping in unexpectedly is not your culture, and if that's the case then they can't force you to do it. I would just write back pleasantly and say that the offer is also reciprocated, that they are welcome to drop in anytime (if you're actually ok with that).

  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to InWatermelonSugar For This Useful Post:

    AdornedWithCats  (03-09-2015),Somerset Woman  (03-09-2015)

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    Narcissistic much?! If I got that my comment would be "omfg! Grow up!" And that's not something I would say normally to a parent. I would also revoke the caravanning trip because I would feel like they are trying to be too controlling. My suspiciousness of anyone that behaves like that would make me think they would do a runner with the kids because they aren't ready to give up raising kids.

    I would also tell them they taught you well because your lives are just as disorganized and if they want family to be more present then they have to lead by example.

    I would also show them what distance really means.

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    So they want you to spent heaps of time with them including large celebrations such as Christmas but you can't organise it in advance?? Yeah that's not really a thing? I'm really confused by their "culture". It's like they want you to be there all the time and for big events but they just want it t happen and not plan it. Or something. I think if you're trying to get multiple families together for things like Christmas, you have to kind of book it in and plan it, or they'll plan Christmas with someone else.
    I think some people will never be happy with the amount of time and effort you put into being with them. Maybe if they want to continue having a "culture" where they get all Christmases and birthdays with the grandkids, they need to adjust their behaviour a bit, suck it up and plan it, lock it in, or they will miss out. I feel frustrated for you OP.

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    Also, Christmas and birthdays are the same date every year. You don't have to plan the day down to the minute. A simple "are you coming over for Christmas" should suffice really.

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  11. #7
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    would they be happier if you set aside every Thursday for morning tea or something?? from what you have said, I cant see that you need to do anything more. perhaps a regular phone call just to check up on them? do you think there might be some reason for this letter? some family illness that they don't want to mention just yet?? I have more questions than answers. sorry about that. strange, because it is using the word 'culture' when really they are just complaining about what they see as a 'family drifting apart"'. which is really just the normal way of life. ?? marie.

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    I have seriously considered caning caravanning trip, but have decided against it as my kids are very much looking forward to it. Talking about it everyday and even getting clothes ready for it.

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    In short, I think they're complaining that they don't have all their kids dropping into the house regularly. They want regular catch ups at their convenience. They seem to be just thinking of their own wants, not taking into consideration that you all have your own families and busy lives.

    I would be talking to your siblings to see what their take is on all of this!

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    No, I don't think there is a hidden issue. They have always been demanding, but they are my parents and I am a believer in putting up with people's differences for the better good of the greater family unit, but how much crap do you take? When does it switch from respecting your parents to respecting yourself? Weird as it is. We have always spent Christmas together, think they are just having a whinge because it hasnt been at their house (the family home) for a few years.


 

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