It's one year today from when I picked up a script for BCP from my specialist that performed a laparoscopy early/mid August 2014 to remove endo. He gave me two choices - BCP or TTC now. I was not sure whether I was ready or not so I grabbed the BCP and, as it coincidentally was also day one of my period, I sat at home and stated at it for about an hour. I haven't used BCP for many years before then.
When hubby came home from work I sat him down and told me what the doctor said. Hubby told me that he has been ready to have a child with me (his third) for 3 years but I wanted to finish my degree first I said in 2012/13. I don't know what it was but I somewhat felt ready and was worried that endo will kill my chances later on. We started ttc.
A year has passed and I am still not pregnant while all my friends fell so quickly during this time we have been trying. So many pregnancy announcements. Hubby said I'll be pregnant surely within 2015 but we are almost September now and I lost all hope to be honest.
I have PCOS and endometriosis (although removed 12 months ago). I am a healthy fit 28 year old living a healthy lifestyle. The only unhealthy thing is - I work a lot. I requested, and work agreed, to cut my hours. Little do they know I am doing fertility treatment. First OI failed already.
I just do not know how to cope with my emotions and feelings of jealousy towards all those family members and friends that have children or are currently pregnant. I deleted my Facebook account so I don't have to hear anymore pregnancy announcements (as this seems to be announced via Facebook) and so I don't need to see pictures of precious babies or bumps or listen to stupid comments of some mothers.
I don't understand what I have done to deserve this. I know it's only been 12 months but I still don't understand why it takes me so long when 85% of women conceive easily?
My husband is pretty patient and I think he knows I am depressed which doesn't help me relax. He is not too concerned about the time it takes and just ponders along leaving it all up to me. If I need him he will be there and I know this. He already has children so I don't think he feels the big rush but he is almost 40 which worries me as I don't want him to be an old dad.
I am constantly sad. How do I fix this? How do I be happy again with all the blood tests and failures? How can I ignore my feelings? Is there I way that can make mid feel "whatever happens happens"? Is this possible?
How do you cope with the emotions of ttc?