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  1. #1
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    Default Friend going through IVF- what can I say / do?

    Through my first child I've met an amazing family. I can see us becoming really good friends. Their first child is an IVF baby and they are beginning the process for #2. (Earlier in the year they have had some failed attempts and just ramping up again)
    How can I support them? What can I say and do? I conceive naturally ( and first go) so I don't know what they are going through, and want to be there to support them and not offend

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    Be a listener if she wants to talk about it. When I went through IVF, I didn't want any advice and just wanted someone to listen. Some people like to keep it private so don't ask her about how it goes with the IVF every time you see her. I have had a friend like that and drove me nut and I had to lie. I wish I have never told her that we need the IVF. My reason for not saying we have started the IVF to anyone is that people might have an expectation for me to say something after the TWW is up. A successful or a non successful IVF. Even if it is successful, do we really want them to know before 12w scan? I have had two chemical pregnancies so you know why I kept it to myself until the time is right. Have a read at some online article of what not to say to them. Eg: "just relax, it will happen!" IVFers tend to be very sensitive with comments. This is just my personal experience and some might have a better suggestion.

  3. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to bbhope For This Useful Post:

    Calstar  (28-08-2015),ilex  (29-08-2015),Kellbell85  (28-08-2015),Legally Brown  (01-09-2015)

  4. #3
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    If they have told you that they are having procedures done on certain dates try and remember on the day and send them a good luck message. Also a couple of days after procedures that can make you tired/sore send them text to see how they feel.

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    From my experience (9 rounds IVF altogether)... What I would want from a friend is someone to listen. You don't need to offer advice, just be there for them to 'unload' and not feel so alone. ask some questions so they know you are interested. Eg ask what the drugs do or how they make her feel etc...that may allow her to open up how hormonal she is feeling and get things off her chest. Don't offer unrealistic advice or comments (such as 'I heard about a person who.....and they fell pregnant'). If your friend is going through IVF they would have researched or have done or thought of all these things and definitely don't need to hear it from their fertile friend!! (As well meaning as these comments often are...) I feel cared about if my friend sends me a text and says she's thinking of me.

    Don't smother too much though eg in 2ww don't ask straight out if it worked as she may not want to tell you if it has. A text more like 'thinking of you and have everything crossed, I am here for you' that way she knows you haven't forgotten her, but she doesn't feel compelled to spill the results.

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    billykate  (28-08-2015),Calstar  (28-08-2015)

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    OP, kellbell85 has said it all. Same feeling that I had.

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    billykate  (28-08-2015),Kellbell85  (28-08-2015)

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    Thanks, some great advise,

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    I agree with @Kellbell85

    It does depend if your friend is a talker or not, but chances are if she has been open about using IVF she is. Sometime she may want to talk, other times she won't, so trust your instincts.

    For me random messages of support were the best kind. It was surprising how many times they came at 'the right time' without the person even realising.

    I like it when people ask questions about the process - though don't probe and check its ok first - because it made me feel like people were trying to understand better.

    Don't say 'it will happen' - unfortunately you don't know that. So instead just send luck.

    Don't assume a cycle has worked either... I remember I had a failed cycle and a sweet colleague of mine was convinced I was pregnant. Her intentions were lovely (she got really excited), but it was hard to smile and say 'you'll have to wait and see' when I knew I wasn't pregnant. While we may be open about trying, if we have success we still need those 12 -13 weeks of security before telling people.

    Ps just being on here asking the question makes you an amazing, supportive friend she is lucky to have you.

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    Oh and if she's in the two week wait, distract her - go for dinner, to a movie anything to take her mind off the wait!

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    Some good advice above.
    You know your friend best- for me, I would talk about IVF when and if I wanted to- a lot of the time I didnt.
    And I also asked our friends not to ask us about it, that we would talk when and if we wanted to. Some were good at respecting this, others thought that saying "Soooooo.. hows the IVF going?" every time we saw each other was ok (it wasn't).
    Your friend is lucky to have someone looking out for her such as yourself.


 

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