Ok guys, so this is kind of a vent thread.
2011, 2012 and 2013 were the best years of my life. In 2011 I had a wonderful, long term (decade long) job that I loved, that my social circle came from and that I was really good at. We went overseas twice and had a ball. Feb 2012 I fell pregnant with DS1. Wonderful, easy, exciting pregnancy and easy birth in Nov 2012.
2013 I was on mat leave. Between govt and work I had 9 months paid leave. Great year with DS1 with no worries other than the usual newborn stuff.
End of 2013 - my CEO, who doesn't even know me, decides to crack down on evil women wanting up work part time after mat leave. I'm the first of three long term staff members to ask for part time work in a 2 month period. I ask, it gets refused and I quit over it (in my field 'full time work' means 8-7 every day, I wouldn't see my children during the week). By quitting, my employer learns a hard lesson and the other two get their part time work.
My career is in ruins. I can't get a job. I think 'at least it's just my job and not my family in ruins'. We decide to try for a baby.
August 2014 - miscarriage at 8 weeks. Upsetting, distressing, but I'm resilient.
March 2015 - ds2. Terminated at 22 weeks gestation for foetal anomaly. My beautiful boy died after 3 hours.
My cycle is still crap. My lining is thin for no apparent reason. I want another baby but think it will be a long road.
I realise I had these great years. I was deliriously happy for three years which is more than many can say. I'm grateful for that. I've just lost my career and my son. One of the other two girls from my previous job announced her second pregnancy. I know it will work out fine. She benefitted from me losing my career. Why does she get to keep her career and her babies while I lost both?
As I said, I get that I was lucky to have some good years, I just see no happiness in my future compared to what I had. I'm so tired and I'm too much of a pragmatist to think ill ever be that happy again.