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  1. #31
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    Hmm I disagree that he is being selfish and cruel.

    The problem in these situations, is that while you may agree that he has a right to his feelings, you can only feel and understand your own. The same is true for him of course.

    I'm sort of on the other side of this. H convinced me to try for a baby. We got pregnant sooner than we had planned on trying and now I am thinking of all the things I feel he hasn't thought about (he has two kids from a previous marriage).
    So I share my concerns when I think of them, and he discusses it, and it turns out he has thought of it. He just didn't verbalise it. Or didn't think he had to.

    It's possible your husband would actually like another child, but cannot logically see it happening and feels it is not right.
    While his wording may have been harsh, it is essentially the truth- you want a baby, but it doesn't mean it should happen.

    People say you never regret the children you have, but that is simply not true for people who know they do not want one- for whatever reason.

    Perhaps he doesn't have an actual reason, and just feels done. How do you explain that to a spouse that clearly isn't? You can't. The same way they cannot explain their need to you.

    It's a no win, no fair situation. And I am sorry you are in it.

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  3. #32
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    Default How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?

    Fair call and you could be absolutely right. But if he is done and doesn't want anymore children then don't tell your wife that you are booking in a vasectomy, book that vasectomy in and then cancel it at the last minute because you don't want it to ruin your holidays (we aren't going any where and it was booked in in the middle of the last week).

    That is what I think was cruel.

    It honestly feels like he is just messing with my head.

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    A vasectomy takes about 24 hours to recover from, if that. DH had his one day and was back at work the next. I fail to see how he would have ruined your holiday.

    I think he is selfish and cruel because of what he said in counselling.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    A vasectomy takes about 24 hours to recover from, if that. DH had his one day and was back at work the next. I fail to see how he would have ruined your holiday.

    I think he is selfish and cruel because of what he said in counselling.
    I guess that's why we are in counseling. He is a very logical person and I'm a very emotional person. He will often say things without thinking about how it makes me feel and he doesn't understand why I get so emotional over things. I guess it was good that our counsellor got to see/hear it first hand though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Happymum2 View Post
    Fair call and you could be absolutely right. But if he is done and doesn't want anymore children then don't tell your wife that you are booking in a vasectomy, book that vasectomy in and then cancel it at the last minute because you don't want it to ruin your holidays (we aren't going any where and it was booked in in the middle of the last week).

    That is what I think was cruel.

    It honestly feels like he is just messing with my head.
    He may not like/panicked at the finality of it. He is entitled to change his mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Happymum2 View Post
    I guess that's why we are in counseling. He is a very logical person and I'm a very emotional person. He will often say things without thinking about how it makes me feel and he doesn't understand why I get so emotional over things. I guess it was good that our counsellor got to see/hear it first hand though.
    See to me that's not selfish and cruel then... as he would have to mean it to be in order for it to be.

    Not saying that makes it ok though.

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    Yes of course he is entitled to change his mind, nobody was ever forcing him to do it, he was the one who was adamant about getting it done. It just now seems like he was using it as an empty threat and to be in control. There was no discussion about canceling it he just came home from work and told me he canceled it because it was at an inconvenient time (apparently). I asked him if he had rescheduled it and he just said he needed to look in his diary and find a date that works.

    As I said previously I really don't think he had thought it through properly and doesn't actually know what he wants. Which is perfectly fine, I just wish he had said that to begin with instead of him bringing it up by telling me he was having a vasectomy. Completely messing with my head (and heart).

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    I am glad you are having one on one counselling. my dh had his vasectomy on a Friday afternoon and was back at work (mostly a desk job) on Monday. I think perhaps his age is the factor he is having to deal with. did you say he was 37, ? midlife crisis?? I wish there was some answer, and I do think he is being a bit harsh, not listening to you, and not trying to share his real thoughts on the matter. hugs, marie.

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