+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 38
  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,833
    Thanks
    1,409
    Thanked
    794
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?

    How could he feel that way though when I haven't. I'm not asking him to change his mind, I haven't said that he couldn't. I was just asking what others have done to move on.

    When we discussed it last year he was in the middle of doing his teaching degree and financially etc it wasn't a good idea. It wasn't a discussion about whether we would start trying next year it was a conversation about whether we wanted another child in the future. His decision now is that he doesn't want another child ever.

    And it's really hard to have a discussion with him when he doesn't want to talk about it. I didn't get angry when he told me, all I said was that that makes me really sad to hear. If he was willing to talk it through I'm sure it would help but I can make him talk if he doesn't want to.
    Last edited by Happymum2; 03-08-2015 at 23:31.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    17,747
    Thanks
    5,085
    Thanked
    8,691
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator - Thank you
    100 Posts in a week
    I think the idea you had about having individual counselling is one of the best things that you can do - it will help to give you the strategies you need to move on. I also think it's a fantastic idea to bring it up at your counselling with your DH.
    It's such a hard place to be in when you want another child but are unable to have one

  3. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to misskittyfantastico For This Useful Post:

    Happymum2  (03-08-2015),Mod-Myztik  (03-08-2015)

  4. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,833
    Thanks
    1,409
    Thanked
    794
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?

    Quote Originally Posted by ExcuseMyFrench View Post
    Just wanting to send hugs. I've always wanted 3 and we agreed on this number before having kids.

    DH quickly changed his mind once we had our first though 😁
    Now our second is 8wo. I'm not sure where he stands but I know better than to start this discussion while we are both sleep deprived. So I'll wait till our second consistently sleep through the night and bring it up.

    I'm already trying to get my mind to shift to having a family of 4. It doesn't feel like a family TBH. Feels likes someone is missing.
    Time will tell...

    How old are you guys?

    Good luck!
    I'm 28 and he is 37. I come from a big family (I've got 4 sister, lots of aunts/uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews). His entire family seem to have a 2 children trend. Both grandparents had 2 children etc etc.


    You've hit the nail on the head really, as much as I love and adore my 2 children it just doesn't feel complete.

    Hopefully your DH comes around to the idea of a 3rd for you.
    Last edited by Happymum2; 03-08-2015 at 21:53.

  5. #14
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,831
    Thanks
    1,054
    Thanked
    1,215
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I've been there lovely. Its horrible isnt it.

    My children were conceived via IVF. We have 2 children. I desperately wanted a 3rd but DH didnt. His reasons were financial, and he also felt that our life was perfect with 2. For 12 months after our second child was born I raised the issue of a 3rd, but DH did not budge in his stance and when bub was 12 months old, i kind of came to peace about only having 2.

    Somehow miraculously I fell pregnant naturally with a very surprise 3rd baby. to say we were shocked was an understatement. DH handled the news beautifully. I thought he would be upset, but in actual fact he was very much like 'well it looks like we're getting that 3rd kid'. Sadly though, I miscarried at 9 weeks. I have to say that I was devastated. I pleaded and cried and spoke rationally to DH about going back to IVF for a 3rd, but again he was resolute. He would have accepted a 3rd, but his preference was for 2.

    I cried for about 18 months. I think I was perhaps suffering depression. Eventually i realised I was mourning a child i didnt have rather than enjoying the children I did have and set about being happy with what i've got.

    Its been 3 years since i miscarried and i can say that recently i have realised that I am again at peace with only having 2 kids. There are still times where i see a family of 3 kids and feel jealous, or hear of someone having their 3rd pregnancy and again feel jealous of them, but mostly these days I'm happy with 2 and the life we have.

    One thing i noticed (or maybe I was looking for it) was the number of people who said they wanted a baby and their partner didnt but eventually their partner came around and now they couldn't imagine life without that extra child. Be prepared for that, it hurts to hear that somehow others managed to convince their partner to change their mind.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to GirlsRock For This Useful Post:

    Happymum2  (03-08-2015)

  7. #15
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,833
    Thanks
    1,409
    Thanked
    794
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    @GirlsRock, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through, how devastating for you. You are so right though I do just need to let it go and enjoy the children I already have, it's just really bloody hard.

    Our close friendship group know how much I want a 3rd and that he doesn't and there is always someone saying to him jokingly that he doesn't have a choice, wives always win etc but it's just not the case here. I could never do something that would make him unhappy but then I look at it and think to myself isn't that exactly what he is doing to me?! It really is a no win situation for both of us really, someone will always lose (so to speak).

  8. #16
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,831
    Thanks
    1,054
    Thanked
    1,215
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    yeah, that's the sucky thing. There is always a loser. And in all honestly the reality is if you had a 3rd child, its unlikely that DH would see it that he lost, however by not having a 3rd child, your loss is more....hmmm....long term? I think that's what I am trying to say.

    I had to keep reminding myself constantly that "DH is not wrong to feel the way he does and I am not right to feel the way I do. There is no right or wrong in this horrible, awful, sucky situation".

    I am almost crying for you, because I know how awful it is.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to GirlsRock For This Useful Post:

    Happymum2  (03-08-2015)

  10. #17
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,833
    Thanks
    1,409
    Thanked
    794
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?

    Quote Originally Posted by GirlsRock View Post
    yeah, that's the sucky thing. There is always a loser. And in all honestly the reality is if you had a 3rd child, its unlikely that DH would see it that he lost, however by not having a 3rd child, your loss is more....hmmm....long term? I think that's what I am trying to say.

    I had to keep reminding myself constantly that "DH is not wrong to feel the way he does and I am not right to feel the way I do. There is no right or wrong in this horrible, awful, sucky situation".

    I am almost crying for you, because I know how awful it is.
    It's so true neither of us are right or wrong, it's just how we feel. It truly is an awful situation.

    Every time I think about it I just start crying, DH just doesn't seem to get it though, just thinks I'm being an hormonal sook!

  11. #18
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    1,376
    Thanks
    774
    Thanked
    1,772
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Im sorry OP, I cant imagine how hard this must be. My dh didnt want a 3rd, but he did come around, & I dont think I would have coped if he didnt agree to it. Id love a 4th but am happy with 3, &he is talking about a vasectomy.I also asked if we could wait a year, & I can be on very reliable birth control during that time. Even though I am pretty ok with no more, I know I will be devastated when he has a vasectomy. It is just SO final. I just dont get why people rush into vasectomies until both parties are ready for it to happen! Could you talk to him & agree for no more kids for now,BUT no vasectomy until you are ready for that to happen? That seems like the best compromise I can see. It will give you time to process it if he does go ahead with it, or it still gives a chance for him to change his mind? Im sorry, Im not much help,just dumped my own feelings all over the place! It will never be easy for me to say goodbye to having babies. I wish I was one of those women who are happy to say 'I am done', but I think I will be sad & will need to grieve.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to cheeeeesecake For This Useful Post:

    Happymum2  (03-08-2015)

  13. #19
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    The New England
    Posts
    1,199
    Thanks
    448
    Thanked
    441
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    To help me come to terms with dh's refusal for a third, I have slowly been selling off the baby stuff. I just sold the bassinette that I had planed to sleep all my babies in. That was hard as that made it pretty final. At least in my mind.
    I have been looking to the future as to what job I want to snag myself when I return to work and working towards that, and which schools I would like my kids to go to. Future stuff I have always wanted to run a marathon and now have a timeframe and plan in place for that.

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to Trio For This Useful Post:

    Happymum2  (04-08-2015)

  15. #20
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    395
    Thanks
    61
    Thanked
    253
    Reviews
    0
    You just have to take one day at a time. The pain does eventually get easier.

    We had always discussed we would have two children. I would have been happy to go for number 2 immediately after having DD but DH wanted to wait. When she was 1 year old DH had a breakdown so we had to "postpone".

    He kept pushing the timeline back - when we move, we'll try; when I'm a bit better, we'll try; when I start a new job, we'll try; when we buy another place, we'll try - until he just stopped saying we'll try and that he's finished - no more kids. It broke my heart. For years I was strung along thinking, soon, only to be told nope, that's it - one baby for me. For years I had that empty feeling.

    The feeling of loss does slowly ease. Our DD is now 10 and it was only about 2 years ago that I truly accepted that she is it for us. It still hurts, but it hurts less than it used to.

  16. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Life is Good For This Useful Post:

    dido  (04-08-2015),Happymum2  (04-08-2015)


 

Similar Threads

  1. To move in with MIL or not
    By tubster in forum Issues with Family Members
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 30-07-2015, 17:08
  2. Need help- partner wants to move
    By 1sttimer084 in forum Dads Chat
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 22-02-2015, 19:39
  3. To move or not to move ???
    By Mellie29 in forum General Chat
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 06-09-2014, 08:46

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Softer than your bub's bum Boody Organic Bamboo Baby Wear
Australia's favourite eco brand has delivered a gorgeous baby collection. Made from organic bamboo, Boody's extraordinarily soft and stretchy, skin-friendly tops, bottoms, onesies, bibs and wraps don't 'cost the earth'. Get 20% OFF! Code BUBHUB16.
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
Vibe Natural Health
Your natural health care team for fertility, pregnancy, post natal and family health care. Our Naturopaths, Doctors, Osteopaths, Acupuncturists, Psychologists,Nutritionists, Pilates, & Massage specialise in women & children's health and wellbeing.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!