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  1. #1
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    Default How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?

    I'm sure this topic has already been spoken about but I can't seem to find the threads so will just start my own.

    About 12 months ago DH and I had a discussion about having number 3. Me for, him against. We said that we will revisited the topic in a year and see how we both feel. He said to me on Friday night that he definitely doesn't want a 3rd and wants to get a vasectomy.

    To say I'm shattered is an understatement, I feel like my heart has been broken. I'm so grateful for our kids but really wanted a 3rd.

    He knew instanty that I was upset but just got a bit angry and said it would financially ruin us (it wouldn't, we just couldn't do big holidays and have a lavish lifestyle which doesn't bother me in the slightest).

    He won't discuss it says his mind is made up and if I was to fall pregnant now he would want to abort..

    We are already seeing a counselor to work on our communication skills and will be bringing this up with her at our next visit. But I just thought I'd see if there was anyone else who has been through this and how they moved on?

    I feel like he has completely disregarded my feelings but I guess someone was always going to be disappointed (so to speak). I would never want to do something that would make him unhappy but I just don't know how to move on, does the sadness eventually go away?

    TIA
    Last edited by Happymum2; 19-01-2016 at 22:45.

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    Shameless bump!

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    Maybe ask him for more time to think about in and as a 'bargain chip' get a reliable contraceptive so there are no accidents he can blame you for?

    I was a sole parent and finished with kids so got a copper IUD and it's brilliant. My SIL is also finished and has a mirena.

    Recently my partner, who had a vasectomy about two months before we met, has changed his mind and wants a child with me. We are now looking at reversal options and he regrets the vasectomy.

    Talk to your partner about a non permanent, but reliable solution/ compromise.

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    its very hard when you are so desperate and he is adamant that he doesnt want to.

    unfortunately there isnt a compromise or middle ground with this issue. You either have another one or you dont ... there isnt a half way


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    Thanks for the reply nudge88.

    We use the withdrawal method (have done since our dd was born 2.5 yrs ago) and haven't had any issues, even though he knows it's not 100% and he refuses to wear condoms regardless of me buying them. Unfortunately the pill isn't an option for me as it sends me a bit loopy but will look into the other options.

    He is pretty adamant that he is getting a vasectomy even to the point of booking a Drs appointment for tomorrow to get a referral, he has to be on deaths door to even go to the doctor usually.

    Maybe I should start doing counseling on my own as well, might help sort it all out in my head.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BH-KatiesMum View Post


    its very hard when you are so desperate and he is adamant that he doesnt want to.

    unfortunately there isnt a compromise or middle ground with this issue. You either have another one or you dont ... there isnt a half way

    That's it Katiesmum, someone was always going to have to compromise/give in. I guess I just wish it wasn't always me that does.

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    That is hubby and I ... although we need IVF to have children... our baby will be 5 this month... and Im still envious of baby bumps and threads... it has become easier..... though the waves of emotions come and go after all that time...I think I will always be sad for not having another.. Sorry don't think I was much help

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    Default How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?

    Huge hugs @3Rreg. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
    Last edited by Happymum2; 03-08-2015 at 23:01.

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    I'm sorry that you feel he has disregarded your feelings.
    It is possible he feels the same way about you though.

    I would ask him if he could, please, explain how he feels it would financially ruin you, as maybe you understanding could bring you to his point of view (that's how I would say it, to be neutral, even if I knew I would always want a third).

    Listen. Don't speak. When he is done, say thank you and ask for time to think about it. Wait a week or so, and bring it up again.

    I know you discussed it a year ago, and it would be easy to say "oh well if a year hasn't made a difference it's over", but really, if you haven't discussed it A LOT in that year, it may as well be a new conversation.

    Best of luck.

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    Default How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?

    Just wanting to send hugs. I've always wanted 3 and we agreed on this number before having kids.

    DH quickly changed his mind once we had our first though 😁
    Now our second is 8wo. I'm not sure where he stands but I know better than to start this discussion while we are both sleep deprived. So I'll wait till our second consistently sleep through the night and bring it up.

    I'm already trying to get my mind to shift to having a family of 4. It doesn't feel like a family TBH. Feels likes someone is missing.
    Time will tell...

    How old are you guys?

    Good luck!


 

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