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  1. #71
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    Yes, he could take you to court but that doesnt mean he'd win. Given your history and the fact that its likely you will be the sole caregiver, you would probably win. l'd call his bluff on that one.
    FWIW, when i was considering surnames for my ds someone pointed out to me that traditionally children have always been given the mother's name. If she was married to the father then that would also happen to be the fathers name, but if she wasn´t married the child took her name. The practise of naming the child after the father in unmarried relationships is very new and i'm surprised how many men feel it is their 'right' to give the child their name (regardless of the mothers wishes) when they are not married to the mother.

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  3. #72
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    Meg2 has a good point. If he was to take it to court, it doesn't mean he'd win. I know it's a hassle, but if you're that passionate about it, it's an option that can work in your favor. Call his bluff and stay strong!

  4. #73
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    I know it is different from state to state. But you don't have to fill out the birth certificate papers straight away. In TAS you have 60 days. Don't let it stress you to much now, see how things go after the birth and you are back home. Then worry about the official paper work. I took over a month to name my last baby.

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  6. #74
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    We have 60 days here too. That was my compromise. I said we will discuss a first name together then i will decide his surname later after we see how things go...

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  8. #75
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    BDM mediated the naming dispute over my child's surname. She ended up with it hyphenated in alphabetical order. I haven't used her full name for anything other than where legally required (passport).

    You can be 'known as' whatever you like.

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  10. #76
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    Also, I would think very carefully about having an ex at the birth. I regret doing it now and wish I'd had someone emotionally invested in my well being and interested in supporting me, not "just there for the baby" (yes, he actually said that). It was awful.

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  12. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by heplusme View Post
    He is saying the only thing he knows is he needs to be here to support me and the baby. They apparently aren't talking anymore, but who knows.

    He has made it pretty clear he is only here right now because of the baby and any relationship between us needs to come back naturally not forced... so i dont feel very positive about it.

    I wanted him at the birth as i felt that he needed to be a part of that for his son and i felt i did need him but seeing as though we are like strangers now its like having some random man off the street come in.

    Urgh i am so confused! I just wish there wasn't a child involved so i could move on.
    I'm really sorry you've been put in this position.

    I honestly think he should not be at the birth and if it's possible to have somebody else come support you (mom/sister/close friend) I would do that. You're going to be at your most vulnerable during labor and birth and having somebody around as your support person who you don't trust or is causing a lot of hurt right now could potentially make your labor harder because you won't be able to focus/relax/cope how you would if you were with somebody you trusted. Can he not just wait in the waiting room or at home and come in once you and bub are ready?

    I'm just going to come out and ask, not to be mean but to get you to think of your reasoning, but...Are you having him there because you're hoping seeing you labor and give birth to his baby will be a bonding experience that will bring him back? If that's the reason, or even part of it, I really think you should consider having somebody else. There's so much potential here for feeling betrayed all over again if he's not the support you hope he will be, which he probably won't be, he's already showing you he won't be by doing this to you and by putting you in these really awful positions.

    I know you've said your family lives far away but is there nobody who can take some time off and come to you for the next week or two? Or even a close friend on base? I was a doula in Australia, I can try to google and see if there's anybody in your area if you'd like?

    As for the name...I would hyphenate or use yours. Like everyone's said, if things work out you can both easily change it down the track. I think he needs to understand that he needs to back off right now and when he proves that he'll actually be a good father that is sticking around you'll consider the name change. Until then, you don't owe him anything. He's already failed his son and he's the one that needs to rectify that over time, not you. You didn't do anything wrong in this situation, he did and if he was genuinely concerned for your well-being he would just step back right now and wait.

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  14. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    I have been exactly where you are and know the hope that you feel, so I do understand the decisions you've made. I feel very sad for you and the position you're in, but I do feel like I understand.

    I felt the same about sharing my son's last name. I get that. For me now, I feel trapped because I have the surname of someone who abandoned me but share the surname of the most important person in my world. It is incredibly bittersweet.

    I know my situation doesn't have to be your situation, but through my eyes...

    This man doesn't want you, or (best case scenario) doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't want you to have anyone else or move on. He is keeping his options open while drastically minimising yours.

    He doesn't get to name the status of your relationship - you do. He doesn't get to say whether he is single or not - you do.

    Is he in or is he out? If he was in he'd be fighting tooth and nail for you, I really believe that. You deserve that. If he was on your side he'd be giving you space and jumping through every hoop you put out for him.

    I'm not trying to be rude. Like I said, I feel like I understand. I just wish someone had said these things to me. I hope I haven't overstepped.
    harvs said it better.

  15. #79
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    I didn't change my surname when I got married so I don't have the same surname as my kids and they have never asked why.

    In your situation I would use your surname.

  16. #80
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    OP, why don't you tell him that the baby will have your surname, and if he likes he is welcome to change his name to be the same as yours. After what he has done to you, there is no way in the world I would ever give that baby his last name. He has hardly proved himself, and now here he is supposedly trying to 'be a good dad and do right by his family' but he is putting even more stress on you.
    Offer for him change his surname to match yours, and if he wants to take you to court over a name then let him. Think about the situation, who do you think a judge is going to side with...the man who was gone the whole pregnancy, was having an affair, left you at 37 weeks and then has forced his way back in to the home and will be present at the birth, and is bullying you about the name, or the woman who was cheated on, left alone her whole pregnancy, and then has to deal with the stress her so called fiance left her with.

    Do not give that baby his surname. stand strong.

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