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  1. #51
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    Do you actually want him around? I mean, without thinking about the complexity of the situation? You said if you weren't pregnant you'd leave and move on.

    This whole thing should have been on your terms, but once again it's all about what he wants. What do YOU think would be best for you, keeping in mind I'm referring to you specifically since you can't control his actions or feelings.

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  3. #52
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    I know you're emotionally wrecked right now. But I have to ask, why on earth do you want him back?? He cheated on you, treated you like ****e, and wasn't even remorseful about cheating! You're heavily pregnant, yet he selfishly dumped all this on you now. I'm not even sure I would **** on him if he were on fire and you want to take him back.

    There's probably a reason I'm single...

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  5. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by hopeful1986 View Post
    Do you actually want him around? I mean, without thinking about the complexity of the situation? You said if you weren't pregnant you'd leave and move on.

    This whole thing should have been on your terms, but once again it's all about what he wants. What do YOU think would be best for you, keeping in mind I'm referring to you specifically since you can't control his actions or feelings.
    I think in the long term whether we stay together or not at least we might be able to be amicable for our son when we do split..

    Im scared im being manipulated too.. but im scared to give up to i feel like the circumstances of our relationship (14 months a part) means that we were headed for a collapse eventually, and maybe this is just a roadbump? I feel like i need to try and for some reason right now the trust thing doesnt feel like such a big deal to me, i think maybe it just seems like a good idea now that bubs is coming so soon. Then again am i being manipulated to feel that way? Gahh!!

    Urgh i feel stupid just writing that.

  6. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    I know you're emotionally wrecked right now. But I have to ask, why on earth do you want him back?? He cheated on you, treated you like ****e, and wasn't even remorseful about cheating! You're heavily pregnant, yet he selfishly dumped all this on you now. I'm not even sure I would **** on him if he were on fire and you want to take him back.

    There's probably a reason I'm single...
    Trust me, i know....

  7. #55
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    I have been exactly where you are and know the hope that you feel, so I do understand the decisions you've made. I feel very sad for you and the position you're in, but I do feel like I understand.

    I felt the same about sharing my son's last name. I get that. For me now, I feel trapped because I have the surname of someone who abandoned me but share the surname of the most important person in my world. It is incredibly bittersweet.

    I know my situation doesn't have to be your situation, but through my eyes...

    This man doesn't want you, or (best case scenario) doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't want you to have anyone else or move on. He is keeping his options open while drastically minimising yours.

    He doesn't get to name the status of your relationship - you do. He doesn't get to say whether he is single or not - you do.

    Is he in or is he out? If he was in he'd be fighting tooth and nail for you, I really believe that. You deserve that. If he was on your side he'd be giving you space and jumping through every hoop you put out for him.

    I'm not trying to be rude. Like I said, I feel like I understand. I just wish someone had said these things to me. I hope I haven't overstepped.

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  9. #56
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    It's okay to not be ready to make a final decision right now. You know he's being horrible to you, so you're obviously not blinded by anything. And you know he's being manipulative. You know leaving wouldn't be a bad idea.

    I admire you for trying.

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    Quote Originally Posted by harvs View Post
    I have been exactly where you are and know the hope that you feel, so I do understand the decisions you've made. I feel very sad for you and the position you're in, but I do feel like I understand.

    I felt the same about sharing my son's last name. I get that. For me now, I feel trapped because I have the surname of someone who abandoned me but share the surname of the most important person in my world. It is incredibly bittersweet.

    I know my situation doesn't have to be your situation, but through my eyes...

    This man doesn't want you, or (best case scenario) doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't want you to have anyone else or move on. He is keeping his options open while drastically minimising yours.

    He doesn't get to name the status of your relationship - you do. He doesn't get to say whether he is single or not - you do.

    Is he in or is he out? If he was in he'd be fighting tooth and nail for you, I really believe that. You deserve that. If he was on your side he'd be giving you space and jumping through every hoop you put out for him.

    I'm not trying to be rude. Like I said, I feel like I understand. I just wish someone had said these things to me. I hope I haven't overstepped.
    No you havnt at all. Its nice to know you know how i feel. He is jumping through hoops (apparently) for our family but not a romantic relationship right now. I guess i need to get through the next few days and see what happens

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    I really don't believe the OP is doing this to punish him, in fact she has been far more calm and accommodating than most women would have been. She's not stopping contact, he'll be at the birth. I'm not sure it's fair to paint this guy as a victim.

    Heplusme - give your child the surname you want, god knows he's forfeited his right. On one hand I want to give you a kind shake. You seem like a strong woman and you are letting him call the shots. He has no remorse and is telling you what you want to hear. But then I also get it. You love him, despite what he has done, he's the father of your son and you two were getting married. Of course you want it to work deep down. To believe you guys can make it.

    I want you to know though, the feelings you have now of being binded to this man bc of the beautiful baby in your belly - those feelings only get worse after 2/3/4 kids. I fear that you will take him back, have another couple of kids and find yourself in the same terrible place, except with 3 children.

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  13. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsA2B View Post
    I'm just thinking your baby might want their dad's name attached to theirs at some point. And no matter how awful FOB is, he'll still be the dad of your baby and part of your baby's heritage.


    Quote Originally Posted by Angels4me View Post
    Always remember your son will be old enough one day to understand things and will ask questions, what will you tell him your reason is for not letting him share his fathers name.
    This really doesn't make sense. Why is the father's name more valuable than the mother's? What makes you think that one day the kid is going to whine that he didn't get dad's name, but for some reason it wouldn't happen the other way around? What if the child grows up upset that he didn't get mum's name? Especially IF it turns out that dad skipped off and mum raised the child independently?

    OP use what surname you want. Don't be bullied by him.

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    Oh and FYI when I was in hospital having my first baby as an unwed mother, baby was automatically given my surname. Not officially of course, but for the purpose of matching mum to bub, he had to have the same surname as me. I remember it was written on his birth card that was stuck on his bassinet, and on his hospital bands. X was very put out when he first saw it.

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