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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2015

    Default TTC affecting friendships

    My Fiancé and I have been TTC for about 15 months now. It is getting extremely mentally and emotional tiring, One week I feel like I'm ok with the fact that "it will happen when the times right" and the next week I want to kill anyone who mentions those words and I become so angry and frustrated that nothing's happening because I am so desperate to be a mother!

    I'm sure there are a lot of woman out there who share my ups and downs and that my feelings are pretty normal for this situation.
    What I'm not sure of is how I've been feeling about one of my closest friends for the last few months... She has a 14 month old daughter who we are godparents to and extremely close with. I spent a lot of time with her when she had the baby helping out (by her doing and not me over staying my welcome) .I've always been understanding of them having a baby in the way of I/we always go to them for dinner, drinks, coffee and general catch ups and I've always been completely fine to do so!
    Now I'm at the point where all of a sudden it really frustrates me that we are always expected to go there "because they have the baby" and that maybe we want to be the ones at home for a dinner party, maybe we don't want to have to be the ones catching a taxi every time, maybe we have important things to do too! Just because we don't have a baby (toddler) doesn't mean that we want to have to go out to them every time! So this sounds absolutely awful and it's not or never has been the kind of person I am!! I have always been so respectful and understanding of all my friends with kids and they so kindly have always been the same back to me in my own situation. This particular friend doesn't see that there's any issues coz I've never mentioned anything- I realise how crazy and nasty I would sound so I wouldn't!

    I have also been asked to mind her daughter every Monday for 5 weeks because she has to work. I absolutely want to help her out and I know how much she appreciates me doing it AND I love her daughter so much- BUT I am completely stressed out about my conception issues, I am planning my wedding for 3 months time (we wanted to have babies first but when it wasn't happening we thought we'd tie the knot sooner) and every Monday so far I have stewed over the fact that I don't have time for this I need my own space and my own time And I just don't want her there- oh god it's just ridiculous what trying to conceive can do to your mind!!!
    Does anyone else feel like by their own doing and feelings they are pushing their friends away :-/

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Your feelings are completely natural. Please try not to beat up on yourself. Might be helpful to get a little distance without jeopardising the friendship altogether. I definitely needed space from my bff when I had miscarriage and she was pregnant. I just made a couple of excuses for not being able to do things - I think she sort of knew why but we never needed to deal with it directly.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Hi OP, I'm sorry to say this is a common problem. My perspective is from someone at the end of my TTC journey which has devoured the last 3 years of my life.

    I'm naturally very social however isolated myself through ivf. This was because we did not want everyone knowing about it but was also because I spent a lot of the time worried or going through procedures and I just wanted to hibernate. Throughout the process I have lost many friends. Both of my sisters have children and my lifestyle is nothing like theirs. One of my oldest friends has 2 little kids and that is the only friendship I have fought to save and have 'sucked it up' so to speak, putting my own feelings aside for the sake of the friendship. The others just weren't worth it. Many people with kids do give me the impression that their lives are more important than mine and they are the are the ones I have avoided and fallen out of contact with. To be honest we also find that a lot of them are leading quite a boring lifestyle and their homes have become shrines to the kids, not at all the way we were brought up, our parents homes were not like that.

    Currently DH and I are actively cultivating friendships with other childless people as that is what we feel is best for us. I wish you all the best in your journey.
    Last edited by Skyler; 19-07-2015 at 22:54.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Hi OP, I think its what happens when someone has a baby- regardless of whether you yourself are having issues TTC or not.

    I have had some friends where this has happened, and the way I think about it is that when they had a baby, it became all about them- their baby, their home, their family. It may sound harsh, but that really is the way it has to be (because thats important). The crunch comes when the time for it being 'all about them' passes on, and it remains all about them.
    We constantly have to go to their place- even if the kid is over at the grandparents house for the evening (so no excuses), we always end up a restaurant convenient to their house. If we go to the park, its the park near their place, not the ones near here. On a few occasions they have suggested coming out here but after one or two questions, it all gets a bit too hard and we end up back somewhere convenient for them!

    Maybe because we have had issues TTC as well Im a bit resentful, but really I think it isn't to do with their fertility and our issues with it- its just that they have been taking the pi$$!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    This place in the desert.....
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Hi OP

    Completely Natural!

    We had friends who were childless (not ready to TTC) while we were struggling to concieve our now 3yo, they couldn't understand the struggles and how it ate me up! They made the comment that everytime we got together i was down and not myself. Their husbands told them off and told them to be more supportive, the friendships struggled and ended up failing for about 10 months, it was't until we had our son and one of the girls found out she would have the same issues we did that some bridges were mended. Now one of them is one of my good friends, her struggles break my heart as i know she would be an awesome mum. It is hard and it's horrible that friendships have to fail in this way.
    We have tried to be accomodating of our childless friends ie going to their houses as well as ours, or meeting at a mutualy decided location. Most of them have left town now so we really only have friends with children left.
    It's so hard for people not in the position to understand the stress and emotional toll it takes on you when every month your body fails you. Plus the multitude of drugs doesn't help (Clomid sent me )

    Good luck with your journey and planning your wedding.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to hoping28 For This Useful Post:

    Skyler  (22-07-2015)


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