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  1. #61
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Default My life is over.

    I know that conflict is going to make things harder for you with the way you're feeling at the moment. I wonder if he is thinking you are trying to punish him by using the baby? He needs to understand that the hospital stuff is not about the baby, it's about your wellbeing in the incredible emotionally and physically challenging time about to come. I don't know how he would take it, but maybe you could clarify that you will be open to discussing visitation and things but you need to get through the birth first. Maybe point out to him that although he no longer cares about your wellbeing, your wellbeing is in fact extremely important because your son needs you to be healthy and functional.

    Also, how did he know you've taken him off the paperwork? You're not obliged to tell him anything you do from now on - of course you can if you wish, but he doesn't get a right to know the ins and outs of the choices you are making unless you want. You can fob him off about the birth saying you're still deciding what to do, and then just don't tell him until afterwards. If you want to.

    Reading between the lines, and I say this not to upset you, it would be good to get yourself in a mindset where you don't rely on him as a father in any way. He could be a beautiful dad, or he could be the dad that is around when he feels like it or changes plans for a better offer (my FOB is all three of these things!). Make your decisions about yourself and your son.

    I know contact with him is upsetting you, and I think it would be good to cut contact with him as much as possible. As you work through the stages of grief that might be easier at some times than others. I just want to remind you of this:

    He didn't confess, he was caught.

    Even so, you forgave him and decided you'd try and make it work.

    He couldn't keep to the agreement he made and continued to see her.

    HE has been the scumbag here. He is angry at himself and lashing out at you. Even if what he has said to you about his feelings for you is true, he showed you no integrity, compassion or love whatsoever. He was too gutless to have difficult conversations. Now he wants to go through the motions in a fake life with you while doing exactly what he wants. I've been there. There is no loneliness like it.

    I won't say he's a bad person because I know you love him, but at the very least he has handled things in an appallingly gutless and hurtful way.

    Honestly, if the messages get too much I would just write 'please leave me alone. I need space and your anger and aggression is distressing to me and our son.' You don't have to respond.

    Hope you're doing ok.

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  3. #62
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    This guy is delusional. He should be falling over himself apologising (even if he's not interested in your relationship any more most humans would have some comprehension of just how $hitty and stressful a situation he's put you in) but instead he's being mean and nasty and petty. Jerkhole!

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    Just want to pop in and offer some hugs

    I don't have much to add because I feel like you've already been given so much amazing advice from previous posters.

    I can't believe the way this guy has been behaving. What he has done is appalling, but the way he's handling everything is much worse. Do what is best for you and the baby - he needs to understand that he has turned your world upside down in a devastating and gutless fashion, therefore he does not get to call the shots.

    I hope there are people in his life (his family/friends) who are openly judging him on his poor form.

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    Take it one day at a time, love. If you don't want him at the birth, then that's totally okay. He doesn't need to be there. Your child deserves a relationship with their dad, but being there for the birth?? Pffttt...he lost that privilege when he cheated on you. This is YOUR experience and you should do whatever feels right for you. Don't fall for the romantic notion that if he's there a light bulb will switch on in his head and he'll realize how ****ty he's been. If that happens, it'll happen regardless of whether he's at the birth or not. You can't control that.

    And while you have absolutely every right to be angry at both of them, remember he's the one most of that anger should go toward. He made vows to you and promised to love and cherish you and he crapped all over that. He didn't HAVE to cheat. He chose to. In this case, cheating wasn't a spur of the moment thing. His actions led to it, whatever he did before it started it all. He's a turd and do not fall for ANY of his nonsense. Kind or otherwise. Don't give him anything until you talk to someone and know your rights!!

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  9. #65
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    Can u not get time away off base or get relocated to another base? Even just as a secondment for a few months or as maternity leave?

    Living in close proximity right now doesn't seem like such a good idea, surely someone in the defence force could help you out??

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    I've been reading along with my jaw dropping open more and more with each update on his revolting behaviour. You've already received so much good advice from amazing women who have been where you are and who have come through the other side so I just want to offer my support and hugs.
    I do know that you will get through this and you and your baby will thrive - as the quote goes, "“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

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  13. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by Louise41 View Post
    I'm sure the DCO social workers or even VVCS will be able to support you through this. Please contact them.
    Please do this OP.

    They will be able to actively support you with options.

    http://www.defence.gov.au/dco/partners/c2_8.html

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    Can't really add anything that others haven't said already.

    Wanted to send hugs and support and assure you that there is yet another person out there who simply cannot believe what an ahole he is being.

    Perhaps you could look at the birth as a transition - from your current life with toxic ex to your new life as a mother to a wonderful new bub. It marks a massive change in anyones life. Perhaps in yours it will be even more positive than usual xoxoxo

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  17. #69
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    I really don't have any advice that hasn't been posted already, but really wanted to send you huge hugs and support. Look after yourself above all else. What he wants shouldn't even factor into your decision making right now. Big big hugs hun xo

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    How are you feeling tonight?
    I been thinking of you today.


 

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