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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sariele View Post
    You said exactly what I was trying to say in my post, only your feelings are perhaps a little more vehement than mine, probably because I've only got the one child who is still so young, so I know things could still go either way for me. But yeah, I am far too lazy and selfish to be the kind of mother I always wanted to be. I can't stand playing with DS, and avoid it where humanly possible (i.e. find as many chores as I can to fill in time until there really is nothing left but to get on the floor with him, but then after about 10 minutes I'll think of something else I can do, or if he'll let me, I'll get on my iPad instead. ). I find playing with a baby/young toddler the dullest thing ever, to the point where just a few minutes of it often makes me feel so drained that I struggle to keep my eyes open (I am not joking). I much prefer just having him do his own thing while I get on with whatever I want or need to do. I use the TV for an hour or two every morning to keep him quiet while I get time alone (which I partially spend doing chores, but also just do whatever). This makes me feel very neglectful, but my mum (who for the record was an excellent mother) says there's nothing wrong with it, so that makes me feel a bit better.

    But still, for someone who struggled desperately to have a child and was heartbroken at every roadblock along the way, I find that I feel like my DS deserves a lot better than the likes of me. DH gets frustrated that I'm not striving to be the absolute best mother in the world, cause he says this is the "career" I chose, and what I always wanted, why wouldn't I be giving it my all? I don't know. Honestly, I think I'm just a lazy piece of cr@p. I've never had any other career or profession because every job I do I end up hating to the point of tears, and I think that mostly comes from the fact that I just don't want to work at all. I can't be arsed with it. How disgusting is that, especially from someone who did extremely well at both school and uni and was always told how smart and talented I was.

    Wow, gone off on a huge tangent there. Shutting up now.
    I can associate with a lot of this too - especially the dull side. I spend too much time on BH and my emails that I do it instead if playing with my children. they deserve better!

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  3. #82
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    To the last couple of comments...I don't think playing with your kids makes you a better parent than someone who doesn't. Even if it did, kids don't need the perfect parent, they just need parents who are good enough.

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  5. #83
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    Thank you to all who have been so honest.
    I do not regret my DS one tiny bit, but I do however often, feels like he deserves more, as if I'm not good enough. I'm lazy, I find it partly a 'chore' to have to be needed to frequently.
    I love my DS more then myself or anything else in this world, but I cry often, I feel guilty, depressed, angry even.
    It's definatly not what I thought it would be.
    Parenthood.. If only there was a manual hey?!
    I suffer severe depression and anxiety and I feel empty a lot. Not because of my gorgeous son, but because people seem to think idc got it all together, when infact I'm broken down and worn out, I just use a mask to hide everything in fear of being judged. I'm a horrible mum. I lose my temper, my house is always trashed to the point I've given up on cleNing, I cry so so much, I walk away from my DS just so I can have done time out, I let him cry. I'm hurting, and tbh no one around me understands of really even cares
    Last edited by Luanajo; 15-07-2015 at 21:24.

  6. #84
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    Big hugs @Luanajo. I too find everything a chore. Breastfeeding, settling, cooking meals and feeding, playing, going to playgrounds, keeping them busy... And the crying! Oh how I can't stand the crying. The crying makes me angry. My anger makes me feel guilty.

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    Quote Originally Posted by A-Squared View Post
    Big hugs @Luanajo. I too find everything a chore. Breastfeeding, settling, cooking meals and feeding, playing, going to playgrounds, keeping them busy... And the crying! Oh how I can't stand the crying. The crying makes me angry. My anger makes me feel guilty.
    Hi darl, I've been watching your diary for a while and haven't been able to message you privately (I'm kinda new and haven't worked it all out yet). I I just wanted to say I feel you! Every part, every emotion I'm right here with you. I hate that I'm a bad mum, I hate that I'm nothing more then a housewife who is just doing her job. I hate that I'm just another person who is expected to do it all with a smile in my face and feel nothing but 'love and happiness'
    I feel drained, ignored, angry, sad etc. you're an amazing mum, and I'll keep following your story x

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  10. #86
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Default Spin Off..... If I had my time over I wouldn't have had children

    The thing that makes me sad reading this thread is when I see people saying they're a bad mum.

    I read your posts. I've seen your photos of your children. This forum is united by the love we have for our children. That doesn't mean we can't find it hard going.

    Reconciling yourself to your new identity as a 'mum' and balancing the expectations of 'first and foremost a mum' with maintaining your 'you'ness, and acknowledging that it's not a smooth process when for others it might be, does not a bad mum make. Please don't label yourself that way because it just adds another layer of Shane. All we can do is do our best, and some days our best is to get out of bed in the morning.

    ETA I don't know what a layer of Shane is. Something icky obviously. Clearly I intended to write shame and my phone exists only to humiliate me :-)

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  12. #87
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    I'm the mother of an almost 5 year old DS with no plans to have anymore. I love him. I can't imagine life without him. I just have zero desire to do it all over again.

    I often feel like I have to justify my decision not to have any more kids to others who ask. I hate that. It's made me really stop and think to myself 'Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have more kids? Did I miss out on the 'motherhood is bliss' gene?!'

    After reading this thread I don't feel so alone.

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  14. #88
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    Hahaha 😂

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    Default Spin Off..... If I had my time over I wouldn't have had children

    I feel like I lost my identity when I became a parent and if someone showed me what parenting was really like I would have run the other way.

    Having said that I definitely wouldn't be in the job or position in my life now that I am now if it wasn't for the motivation to excel that my son gives me.

    Eta: reading everyone's posts and I relate to what almost everyone has said.
    Last edited by Mod-Zeddie; 15-07-2015 at 23:57.

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    Default Spin Off..... If I had my time over I wouldn't have had children

    I've also lost myself. But I feel there also wasn't much of a me before hand. I still hardly have any interests. Property development and interior styling is my passion but hardly things I get to do whenever I need a break from being a mum!

    I was also good at my job. I went to work and knew what I was doing. Yeah there were challenges but I had the skills to deal with them and learn new things. Being a mum.... I always heard 'babies don't come with a manual' and 'you'll just know what to do'

    Well I have never just known what to do. I still don't know what to do. Eg DS is currently whinging. I don't know why! I try everything but still whinging. I can't get him to take a bottle, I can't help him eat better, I'm soooooo sick of the whinging! I'm sick of feeling like I'm neglecting DD while I fuss over him so much. She also starts getting anxious when I can't get him to stop whinging or crying. I can tell she doesn't enjoy her time at home, I don't stimulate her enough, she gets bored but I'm too lazy to do things that will keep her busy. I'd rather be on bub hub.

    My favourite time of day is when they're both asleep (or at least in bed) in the afternoon then asleep for the night so I don't have to deal with them. I don't find any if this fun and because of that they both suffer. No one in this house is happy and I can't help but feel it's all my fault!


 

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