I can associate with a lot of this too - especially the dull side. I spend too much time on BH and my emails that I do it instead if playing with my children. they deserve better!You said exactly what I was trying to say in my post, only your feelings are perhaps a little more vehement than mine, probably because I've only got the one child who is still so young, so I know things could still go either way for me. But yeah, I am far too lazy and selfish to be the kind of mother I always wanted to be. I can't stand playing with DS, and avoid it where humanly possible (i.e. find as many chores as I can to fill in time until there really is nothing left but to get on the floor with him, but then after about 10 minutes I'll think of something else I can do, or if he'll let me, I'll get on my iPad instead. ). I find playing with a baby/young toddler the dullest thing ever, to the point where just a few minutes of it often makes me feel so drained that I struggle to keep my eyes open (I am not joking). I much prefer just having him do his own thing while I get on with whatever I want or need to do. I use the TV for an hour or two every morning to keep him quiet while I get time alone (which I partially spend doing chores, but also just do whatever). This makes me feel very neglectful, but my mum (who for the record was an excellent mother) says there's nothing wrong with it, so that makes me feel a bit better.
But still, for someone who struggled desperately to have a child and was heartbroken at every roadblock along the way, I find that I feel like my DS deserves a lot better than the likes of me. DH gets frustrated that I'm not striving to be the absolute best mother in the world, cause he says this is the "career" I chose, and what I always wanted, why wouldn't I be giving it my all? I don't know. Honestly, I think I'm just a lazy piece of cr@p. I've never had any other career or profession because every job I do I end up hating to the point of tears, and I think that mostly comes from the fact that I just don't want to work at all. I can't be arsed with it. How disgusting is that, especially from someone who did extremely well at both school and uni and was always told how smart and talented I was.
Wow, gone off on a huge tangent there. Shutting up now.