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  1. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    I think this such an important conversation to have and I applaud everyone who has contributed so honestly about such a taboo topic. It really is mind boggling to me that it's perfectly acceptable to regret career choices or relationships but to regret becoming a mother - something that changes our bodies, our minds, our choices is unacceptable or abnormal?

    My regret really centres around my DD who is turning ten in a couple of months. I regretted becoming her mother for years, I never regretted her existence and believe that this world is better because she's in it but I always and still do to some extent regretted that I'm her mother. I struggled to connect with her until she was about four years old. I didn't fell in love with her when I first laid eyes on her, I was just shocked at what had happened and thought, gosh I hope her mother comes and gets her soon. I honestly remember very little of her first year because I was so tired and emotionally and physically spent. I wouldn't let DH near me because if I became pregnant, I would die. I remember telling DH I would kill myself if I fell pregnant again.
    I'm still bf so I have no idea if I've ovulated. So DH and I haven't DTD yet for this exact reason. I cannot.... Will not get pregnant again. DH is in agreeable, 3 would ruin us, yet he still won't even think about having the snip, so abstinence it is for now!

  2. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    This is such a wonderful thread. I am so glad that people feel they can be open and honest- this is what we needs as mothers!

    Thank you, OP, from the bottom of my heart.

    I have forwarded this thread to my mother and she is in tears, knowing that she wasn't alone like she thought.
    I just want to give your mum a hug.
    DT75's mum, if you're still reading, this is from me I don't know you, but i am lucky enough to have people in my life be honest about their feelings so I have always known others feel this way. I can't imagine how lonely a road it is to feel like you are the only mother who has these feelings.

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  4. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bennos Mummy View Post
    I remember those days growing up saying i'd get married and have babies close together so they'd have close relationships and you can get all the pregnancy/childbirth stuff 'out of the way'.

    Then we were surprised with DS at 23. It was all SO SO SO much harder than I ever thought. So demanding, so overwhelming, everything basically out of your control. I thought I was a maternal person but my lack of patience is my biggest downfall. I had a couple of friends have their first around the same time as us and they have gone on to have 2nd, and 3rd babies and I just couldn't imagine doing that at all until last year.

    So no, I don't regret having DS - I just quickly realised there is no WAY I could have coped with a toddler and another baby. Which is why DS1 has just turned 5 and we are only now expecting our 2nd DS In fact, if DH and I never reunited after our separation, I would have been quite happy staying with 1 child only.
    This is me to a tee! I was also 23 when I had our DD who is about to turn 5 and a new baby on the way too. Everyone else has had a 2nd and 3rd and I am only just ready for it now. I was pretty happy to just have the one child even though I am now having a second.

  5. #74
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    Thanks and hugs to everyone in this thread so far. It's really important to know that we're not alone. This is quite raw for me as I have just brought my newborn home from the hospital today. I'm a FTM and I'm 33. On paper we tick all the boxes for being 'ready' for kids. I don't believe you can actually be ready. I've had a great career. I've been on mat leave 5 weeks and gee it's been hard already. I know it'll be a long time before my career is the same again. If it ever is. Hubby and I had been together for 5 wonderful years before I got pregnant. We've had some amazing overseas adventures. We're financially secure. We had 2 years of fertility treatment to get pregnant so this was very much planned and plenty of time to rationalize what we were doing.
    BUT we had a great life and were equally happy to stay the way we were if the ivf didn't work. It's really hard to articulate without sounding like a selfish b!tch. We wanted a baby but were simultaneously terrified of having one. I guess we succumbed to the idea that we'd regret not having a child when it was too late. I remember freaking out having the FET and then crying when I found out I was pregnant because of how my life would change and being worried throughout the pregnancy about if we were doing the right thing. Coming home today we were like what have we done. We love her, she's gorgeous but we have no idea the challenges that lay ahead and whether we will go on to regret our decision. I'm sad that I am so negative and scared of parenthood and sometimes wish I could be one of those people who just have kids without giving it too much thought. I'm lucky my DH seems to be much calmer about things so he's settling me down a bit!
    I have had several friends tell me that they love their kids but if they had their time over again they'd rethink it. I think many people feel this way and it takes a brave person to admit it. Hugs to everyone struggling, I do hope it gets easier if not better overall for you.

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  7. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by gingermillie View Post
    Thanks and hugs to everyone in this thread so far. It's really important to know that we're not alone. This is quite raw for me as I have just brought my newborn home from the hospital today. I'm a FTM and I'm 33. On paper we tick all the boxes for being 'ready' for kids. I don't believe you can actually be ready. I've had a great career. I've been on mat leave 5 weeks and gee it's been hard already. I know it'll be a long time before my career is the same again. If it ever is. Hubby and I had been together for 5 wonderful years before I got pregnant. We've had some amazing overseas adventures. We're financially secure. We had 2 years of fertility treatment to get pregnant so this was very much planned and plenty of time to rationalize what we were doing.
    BUT we had a great life and were equally happy to stay the way we were if the ivf didn't work. It's really hard to articulate without sounding like a selfish b!tch. We wanted a baby but were simultaneously terrified of having one. I guess we succumbed to the idea that we'd regret not having a child when it was too late. I remember freaking out having the FET and then crying when I found out I was pregnant because of how my life would change and being worried throughout the pregnancy about if we were doing the right thing. Coming home today we were like what have we done. We love her, she's gorgeous but we have no idea the challenges that lay ahead and whether we will go on to regret our decision. I'm sad that I am so negative and scared of parenthood and sometimes wish I could be one of those people who just have kids without giving it too much thought. I'm lucky my DH seems to be much calmer about things so he's settling me down a bit!
    I have had several friends tell me that they love their kids but if they had their time over again they'd rethink it. I think many people feel this way and it takes a brave person to admit it. Hugs to everyone struggling, I do hope it gets easier if not better overall for you.
    Congratulations on your daughter. what you are feeling is completely normal especially in the first few days, your hormones are going crazy at this time. It's great how calming the daddies can be without the hormones.

    Keep checking back in here, we all understand what you're going through.

  8. #76
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    I haven't got through every post yet but I just wanted to say that I was almost starting a thread about this very topic just last week.
    I didn't because of the guilt that comes with those feelings and I think in a little way, I also didn't want to write anything too harsh when I was up to my neck with sick kids. Something I might read back on and regret.

    Silly though isn't it.
    Look at how many of us feel the same way. And it's nothing to do with the children, it's the thankless job and endless worry and responsibility.
    Not their beautiful happy faces, it's all the rest.

    I know I don't want the single life and the high flying career with endless holidays. That self-indulgent lifestyle was getting old before I settled down.
    Just a bit of balance would be nice. Sure if you do too much of anything it's unhealthy, can we be too much of a parent?
    I think so, especially when there's no relief.

    Hugs to everyone.

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  10. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by A-Squared View Post
    I'm still bf so I have no idea if I've ovulated. So DH and I haven't DTD yet for this exact reason. I cannot.... Will not get pregnant again. DH is in agreeable, 3 would ruin us, yet he still won't even think about having the snip, so abstinence it is for now!
    This is us! Except it would be No 4
    We had no 3 and it's nearly killed me.
    It took a lot to get her here and because of that I don't want to be in a position of having to consider a termination.
    Still waiting for DH to get the snip.
    I've done my bit.
    I can hold out for as long as it takes

  11. #78
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    I am not the mother I thought I would be. I am impatient, selfish, lazy and so undomesticated. I hate the mother I am. Yep, my children are so very much loved, I couldn't love them more if I tried. They have a warm bed, full tummies and a mummy to cuddle but IMO, they're neglected. By me.

    I wanted to be a mummy from a very young age and even now I still yearn for a fourth child. But if I had my time again, knowing what I do now, I wouldn't subject children to me.

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  13. #79
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    My babies aren't here yet (I'm due with twins in the next few weeks) but I just wanted to say thank you to all you brave women sharing your experiences - threads like this are one of the reasons why I love BubHub.

    Who knows how I will feel once I am a parent, but I certainly feel better knowing that it is normal and okay to have these feelings if they come - thank you all xx

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  15. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by HearMeRoar View Post
    I am not the mother I thought I would be. I am impatient, selfish, lazy and so undomesticated. I hate the mother I am. Yep, my children are so very much loved, I couldn't love them more if I tried. They have a warm bed, full tummies and a mummy to cuddle but IMO, they're neglected. By me.

    I wanted to be a mummy from a very young age and even now I still yearn for a fourth child. But if I had my time again, knowing what I do now, I wouldn't subject children to me.
    You said exactly what I was trying to say in my post, only your feelings are perhaps a little more vehement than mine, probably because I've only got the one child who is still so young, so I know things could still go either way for me. But yeah, I am far too lazy and selfish to be the kind of mother I always wanted to be. I can't stand playing with DS, and avoid it where humanly possible (i.e. find as many chores as I can to fill in time until there really is nothing left but to get on the floor with him, but then after about 10 minutes I'll think of something else I can do, or if he'll let me, I'll get on my iPad instead. ). I find playing with a baby/young toddler the dullest thing ever, to the point where just a few minutes of it often makes me feel so drained that I struggle to keep my eyes open (I am not joking). I much prefer just having him do his own thing while I get on with whatever I want or need to do. I use the TV for an hour or two every morning to keep him quiet while I get time alone (which I partially spend doing chores, but also just do whatever). This makes me feel very neglectful, but my mum (who for the record was an excellent mother) says there's nothing wrong with it, so that makes me feel a bit better.

    But still, for someone who struggled desperately to have a child and was heartbroken at every roadblock along the way, I find that I feel like my DS deserves a lot better than the likes of me. DH gets frustrated that I'm not striving to be the absolute best mother in the world, cause he says this is the "career" I chose, and what I always wanted, why wouldn't I be giving it my all? I don't know. Honestly, I think I'm just a lazy piece of cr@p. I've never had any other career or profession because every job I do I end up hating to the point of tears, and I think that mostly comes from the fact that I just don't want to work at all. I can't be arsed with it. How disgusting is that, especially from someone who did extremely well at both school and uni and was always told how smart and talented I was.

    Wow, gone off on a huge tangent there. Shutting up now.

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