All I ever wanted was to be a mum, since I was 18. It didn't happen until I was 32, as I didn't meet my DH till I was nearly 29, then we had a pretty bad time with IVF and had to use donor sperm plus a cocktail of drugs for me to finally have success. That's how badly I/we wanted this.
But 85% of the time, I don't think I'm cut out for being a mum. At least not a mum to babies and toddlers.. I'm hoping I enjoy older kids more. The responsibility is overwhelming, I miss my freedom and solitude desperately, and even though I take very good care of my DS in terms of meeting his basic needs, I already feel like I've failed him in a multitude of other ways already, and he's only 16 months old.
That said, for whatever reason, I'm still desperate for a second child. I can't easily explain why, exactly, however I do know that unless DH and I have a massive change of heart, two will be our absolute limit. Before I had kids, and then fertility struggles, I used to say I wanted four kids but would settle for three. Now that I've seen what kind of mum I am, I do wonder if I should've even had one.
Of course my DS is still the light of my life. I love him so much it hurts. However if I'd known what parenthood would feel like for me, I may have (at least briefly) reconsidered it, instead of spending 14 years of my life desperately yearning for a baby and mentally screening every guy I dated to deduce whether they were husband-and-father material.
Thank you OP for a safe place to talk about this.