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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    No they don't. Mum had the first 3 by the time she was 26, and the next 2 just made her realise how long she was going to be 'stuck' in the baby/child stage.
    Now that the youngest is at school, she feels much better about it, and she coped really well. But she wasn't going to lie and pretend everything was rosy either. She would have preferred not to have more after the third. She doesn't hate them or treat them differently, but she regrets it nonetheless.



    No she was not mentally ill! What a horrid thing to say.
    She regrets having them, yes, that's not the same as wishing they had never been.
    I was not suggesting that as a derogatory comment. I think admitting that things would be easier or that life is a struggle with 5 kids is a bit different to actually regretting their existence. I'm talking about a situation where a mother genuinely has a child and wishes she hadn't had the child - that is regret. A permanent state of feeling rather than temporary.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    No they don't. Mum had the first 3 by the time she was 26, and the next 2 just made her realise how long she was going to be 'stuck' in the baby/child stage.
    Now that the youngest is at school, she feels much better about it, and she coped really well. But she wasn't going to lie and pretend everything was rosy either. She would have preferred not to have more after the third. She doesn't hate them or treat them differently, but she regrets it nonetheless.



    No she was not mentally ill! What a horrid thing to say.
    She regrets having them, yes, that's not the same as wishing they had never been.
    I actually ran it past DH that I don't know what is do if we accidentally got pregnant again. He said get a divorce! He was kind of joking but there was still a hint of truth in it. Our relationship has suffered since having kids and I can have any more kids to make it any worse (not that it's bad, but I do know it will be better in a year or so once DS is a little older and everyone is settled into work and childcare etc, but at the moment I already feel like I'm neglecting myself, my husband and our marriage. I never looked at it like that until he mentioned the D word yesterday.

    So I know having a third would put too much of a strain on our relationship if we had third so I think I would regret having a third if we did.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mumsical View Post
    I was not suggesting that as a derogatory comment. I think admitting that things would be easier or that life is a struggle with 5 kids is a bit different to actually regretting their existence. I'm talking about a situation where a mother genuinely has a child and wishes she hadn't had the child - that is regret. A permanent state of feeling rather than temporary.
    I know the difference. As I stated, it has gotten better for mum now that the youngest is at school. But she still regrets having 2 more. Granted they weren't planned, so it's different to regretting a planned kid. But it's still regret.

    Quote Originally Posted by A-Squared View Post
    I actually ran it past DH that I don't know what is do if we accidentally got pregnant again. He said get a divorce! He was kind of joking but there was still a hint of truth in it. Our relationship has suffered since having kids and I can have any more kids to make it any worse (not that it's bad, but I do know it will be better in a year or so once DS is a little older and everyone is settled into work and childcare etc, but at the moment I already feel like I'm neglecting myself, my husband and our marriage. I never looked at it like that until he mentioned the D word yesterday.

    So I know having a third would put too much of a strain on our relationship if we had third so I think I would regret having a third if we did.
    Thank you for being honest.

    My main problem with what was said was that it could really upset someone who is already unsure of their feelings for a child. 50 years ago noone spoke about disability but it was there. Just because people don't talk about regretting kids they have had does not mean they don't. It also does not mean there is something wrong with that person.

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  5. #24
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    See I think that feeling that way is not a normal reaction, my comment about possible mental illness was to ask if perhaps she had post natal depression, or some other situation which could cause these feelings.

  6. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mumsical View Post
    See I think that feeling that way is not a normal reaction, my comment about possible mental illness was to ask if perhaps she had post natal depression, or some other situation which could cause these feelings.
    That may be because you have never felt it, and noone you know has expressed it. Doesn't mean it's not normal.

    She had mild PND with the last (csection) but it cleared up fast. She thought it was odd too, and saw a counsellor. The counsellor reassured her that quite a few people feel that way, but don't talk about it.

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  8. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mumsical View Post
    See I think that feeling that way is not a normal reaction, my comment about possible mental illness was to ask if perhaps she had post natal depression, or some other situation which could cause these feelings.
    Whilst I understand your comment wasn't meant to be derogatory, I actually think it's very much a natural reaction. Some people aren't very maternal. I'm not. I love my kids and look forward to bringing them up and seeing them turn into adults and watch them get married and have their own children (if that's what they want). But I'm not all gushy over babies or kids, nor do I enjoy being at home full time. Mentally it's too much and too boring, I need more in my life and any more kids will make my life all about kids and not about me or my marriage anymore. I've reached my limit and any more would put a strain on my marriage and would mean I wouldn't enjoy my life as much as I would with 2 kids which means I would regret that child.

    I think that's a normal way to feel. Not everyone is born to be a mum or loves being a mum either and that's okay.

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  10. #27
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    I think I can understand both sides to this.. I dont think I m a maternal person either. I dont care much for other peoples kids. What I mean by that is I dont want to play with them or talk to them much nor I think much about them..maybe sounds bad. So when I was younger I thought I wont have any kids. But having my kids made me so so so happy. They are such beautiful persons, so different, such a delight to be with them. Feel so blessed to be their mother. And at times it is hard - getting everyone in the car,cleaning wee accidents and toilet training while having to carry a newborn as I cant put baby down at all during day. Stupid heavy pram is a pain too. Little things like that..of course it would be nice to have more time to make myself pretty as well and to be able to dress bit more nicely not just anything I can breastfeed in. But I wouldnt change it for nothing! Still I m trying to ttc no 4 just to hurry up that baby stage a bit and to get my body back and buy some nicer clothes. But if there is more children to be gifted to me so be it. I m relaxed about it. I would love them all fiercely. They are mine and could not imagine regret. I admit its hard at times but I hope to God I never ever feel regret!!

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  12. #28
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    I always thought I only wanted 2. Dh always wanted 3. I didn't feel finished at 2 and now we have 3. Had we not managed to have a third that would have been ok though. We are complete. We are definately done, no doubt about it. Even though our babies were ivf I have taken steps to ensure there are no accidents as I do not want a fourth 😀

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  14. #29
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    My accidental 3rd is 13w old now. We planned 2, discussed 3... I never wanted kids, and frankly was terrified about having any (my mother is not a good role model and the idea of being in any way like her made me not want to have kids in case I treated them even a tiny bit like she treated me). DH and me having worked with kids and been ok with them convinced me to have them.

    A part of me wanted 3 but after 2 we decided that logically 2 was better but DD2 had other ideas =D When I found out I was pregnant with her there was swearing and tears. Massive panic attacks throughout the pregnancy etc. A counsellor comes to see me every 2 weeks anyway (cos of issues relating to the first paragraph) and she helped but I was terrified even the day I had her.

    She arrived though and is the most amazing, calm little person I have ever met. I am so glad she is in our lives and she really is a miracle. She shouldn't exist - she wasn't planned, expected (or honestly, at first, even wanted) but now I wouldn't be without her. Life is chaotic and unpredictable, stressed and noisy but full of love and cuddles.

  15. #30
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    Incidentally, when DS (no2) grew out of little green nappies, I cried. When DD2 grew out of them I was just - Oh right, time for the pink ones then.... You do know when you're done I think =D I still love little tiny ones and with infinite time and resources would have loads but....


 

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