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  1. #21
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    To me, a bad MIL is one that hasn't learned her place and hasn't cut the cord.

    A mix of babying your adult son while still considering yourself as the woman of his life.

    I'm lucky I've never had such a MIL 😀

    OP I wouldn't worry, I think you are well ahead of becoming a great MIL.

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  3. #22
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    A good MIL for me is one who:
    -Understands that her child has grown up & has started thier own family which is #1, not her.
    -Doesn't try to run the lives/homes of her adult children & thier partners.
    -Accepts her DIL/SIL for who they are, even if they are not what she imagined they would be.
    -Understands that grandchildren are not "hers" & that she does not make the decisions about them.
    -Doesn't try to mother her DIL - keep it on a friend level & back off unless it is welcomed.

    As a pp said, having a life & interests of their own is important - so that they are not trying to live through their children.

    My MIL isn't a bad person, we're just polar opposites personality wise & it grates after a bit. I sort of feel that she is a bit lost now all her sons are out of home & have partners that are very independant. It can't be easy trying to find a new place for yourself.

    I wonder how I will be perceived as a MIL one day...hoping I can walk the talk above & have a good relationship with my children's partners.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  5. #23
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    I think communication is the key.
    For eg. If I say, please don't feed my kids chocolate for breakfast before school, that generally means do not feed my kids chocolate for breakfast before school!
    I have a gazillion other examples of this.

    I also think it's important to not make yourself too comfortable in their house/lives, and again, communicate. For eg. "hey DIL, would you like me to rearrange your kitchen cupboards while you're at work today?", "no thanks MIL, I like them they way they are". And here's the kicker... say "ok DIL", and then don't rearrange the freaking cupboards!!

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  7. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by meandmyboys82 View Post
    My MIL wasn't all that bad UNTIL dh and i had our first baby. Then i suddenly became invisible. She literally barely says two words to me or my dh when she visits. It's all about our son.
    When he was newborn and sleeping she would forever be trying to wake him up. She would take him from other people in group situations like dh's soccer games.
    At his first christmas at dh's aunties house she kept going to check on him during his nap straight after i had, after i told her not to. She exposed him to chicken pox at 10 weeks old cos she just couldn't not hold him. At his first birthday party she was ALWAYS crowding him. It was hard for anyone to get near him.
    Her other son came to visit after her not seeing him in a year and a half - she barely spoke to him, just played with our son the whole time. It was disgusting.
    I understand he's her first grandchild, but she acts like he's her child. She's a smoker and big drinker as well as a pot smoker. I hate that she gets in his face and breathes all over him. She never listened to my requests to coverup her stinking clothes, or put up her long stinking hair so my newborn didn't have to breathe it in. It would take dh asking her 2-3 times for her to do it. I could go on and on and on.
    Point is, things changed in a huge way and at that time i let her get away with it as i didn't know how to handle the situation. It caused mass fights between dh and i, still does. Am now 28 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and i am not afraid to speak up this time. She better watch herself cos this DIL will not be letting things slide this time!!
    Your poor, poor darling.
    She is unreal!
    I wonder if sometimes these MILs do this as a way to try convince everyone they're great grandparents? How was she as a mother?
    A friend of mine, her MIL would do that in group situations, take over. Yet she would barely visit her grandchildren, and when she did it was for ten minutes , just enough time to throw them a toy and run. No quality time.
    She was equally neglectful of her own children. Hubby came number one to her all her married life. He wasn't the kind of man that deserved such devotion either, that's all I'll say about him.

  8. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Best Things View Post
    Don't sit in the car with your DIL and tell your daughter how great her ex-boyfriend was and how she should have stayed with him because you're finding it hard to come to terms that your daughter has found a girl who loves her more than life, supports her through everything and can give her the same life that the very best man could...

    Oops... Did I start ranting?
    That's just shocking carry on!
    The common denominator in all these bad MIL stories is not standing back and respecting your child is a grown adult with their own life to live.
    Hopefully you can put her in a box and not take those comments to heart X

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  10. #26
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    Thank you @ExcuseMyFrench (can't quote you?)
    Though I reckon it's a personality thing with me, I'm looking forward to them growing up.
    I don't do needy very well so I struggle with the early stages and find I'm much better with older kids. Now, if only I could find somewhere to send them until they're 25? hehehe

    Speaking of cutting the cord.
    And someone mentioned before that the younger ones are more likely to suffer the interference of MOTHER in their relationships.
    My own granny had 7 children.
    She was great, but I will admit, her youngest was still at home well in to his 30s and yeah, she might have had a little too much to say about his wife (she is a piece of work though ) but where she would have stayed out of it with her older children, she just couldn't with her 'baby'.
    Interesting.
    All the more reason to kick mine out once they hit 20

  11. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frankenmum View Post
    My MIL was going through menopause when DH & I first met, so she was very volatile and unpredictable for a long time.
    I suspect this plays a big part in a lot of these stories.

    When I was younger and encountered difficult women, boyfriends mothers, or in the work place, or friends mothers even.
    I just chalked them up as MAD at the time and steered clear.
    Now with a wiser head I can loo back and see, oh...well maybe a bit of depression there, maybe anxiety there and yep, definitely menopausal there in that one.
    Hind sight and all that.

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  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoteToSelf View Post
    She used to make a lot of annoying comments (advice) when my son was born. I just consistently shut her down ' that's not what they recommend these days' and didn't take offence. She's much better now and is very helpful to us. She's happy to look after the kids if we need and she loves them and they love her.
    This reminds me so much of my sister's MIL.
    The woman can't keep her mouth shut.
    But not only is her opinion on everything, unwanted, it is also complete crap! And this is coming from a woman who is a foster parent.
    She has had numerous children through her home over the yrs.
    That in itself is another story though. I really don't know how she ever qualified for that role.

    When my sister was a new parent, she arrived up when the baby was only 11 days old and took him out - FOR THE WHOLE DAY!
    Sister didn't know what to do, her partner had agreed to it so in marches MIL, talks over any protests and tells her to get some sleep and takes off with the baby.
    My sis suffers from anxiety anyway and an hour later this triggered a panic attack. He was texting and calling for her to bring the baby back that she OK.
    No, she wouldn't.
    Next thing there's pictures all over FB of her in various houses showing the baby off!
    That was the beginning of a really bad relationship. MIL seemed fine until baby came along, then it was like she was doing every thing she could to get custody of her grandchild. She ran her mouth off to anyone and everyone saying my sister was an unfit mother, had PND and suicidal, and was incapable of looking after herself never mind a child.
    My sis suffered a bout of depression afterwards and dealt with it. Got herself on her feet with a fantastic job and has grown stronger to deal with this oul b!tch. She is nothing but a wonderful other to her little boy.

  14. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    I think communication is the key.
    For eg. If I say, please don't feed my kids chocolate for breakfast before school, that generally means do not feed my kids chocolate for breakfast before school!
    I have a gazillion other examples of this.

    I also think it's important to not make yourself too comfortable in their house/lives, and again, communicate. For eg. "hey DIL, would you like me to rearrange your kitchen cupboards while you're at work today?", "no thanks MIL, I like them they way they are". And here's the kicker... say "ok DIL", and then don't rearrange the freaking cupboards!!
    You mean after saying you don't want them rearranged, she goes and does it anyway?

  15. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phony View Post
    Your poor, poor darling.
    She is unreal!
    I wonder if sometimes these MILs do this as a way to try convince everyone they're great grandparents? How was she as a mother?
    A friend of mine, her MIL would do that in group situations, take over. Yet she would barely visit her grandchildren, and when she did it was for ten minutes , just enough time to throw them a toy and run. No quality time.
    She was equally neglectful of her own children. Hubby came number one to her all her married life. He wasn't the kind of man that deserved such devotion either, that's all I'll say about him.
    She was one of those mother's that did EVERYTHING for the kids. My hubby to this day cannot really cook or clean too well. I try to show him but sometimes it's just easier to do it myself. She was a stay at home mum until the boys both moved out in their early 20's. When i was unable to breastfeed due to my son having a tongue tie, poor latching and low supply (i couldn't even get much from pumping) her and FIL thought it totally appropriate to tell me that MIL breastfed her boys for over a year and i didn't try hard enough. My son was losing weight and was sooo hungry. His first week was hell, once on formula he was a different baby - content, sleeping, putting on weight. Not to mention i had to return to work when he was 5 months old. Apparantly a bad mother for putting son in childcare.
    We no longer speak to FIL as he chucked a tanty a year ago because we weren't visiting them every single weekend. He has also disowned hubby's brother cos he hates his wife. now we only have to tolerate MIL once a month or so. I tend to make myself busy elsewhere in the house when she visits as she is so loud and childish she infuriates me.
    She is good with ds but very full on, she doesn't shut up and let him do his own thing, he can barely get a word in she is just ALWAYS talking (quite loudly, that woman has no concept of an inside voice) and singing. If he walks away to do his own thing she's constantly calling his name trying to get his attention when he clearly wants to get away. She's like a hyperactive kid. Argh!! In a perfect world we wouldn't have to see either of them. My son is always disrupted and naughty after she's visited it's just a complete chore.


 

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