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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by HappyBovine View Post
    I think the shirts are too much.
    I don't think she meant for the kids to wear them to see the bio mother. Heaps of people get sibling shirts. Why should the kids miss out just because they have a blended family?

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by HappyBovine View Post
    Seriously?
    Yes seriously. I don't see a problem with the kids wearing sibling shirts while in the care of OP. I think it's a lovely way for the children to start bonding with their soon to be sibling.

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  5. #33
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    Default Telling the Bio mother

    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    Yes seriously. I don't see a problem with the kids wearing sibling shirts while in the care of OP. I think it's a lovely way for the children to start bonding with their soon to be sibling.
    I think it's an ok idea for the kids and understand why you'd want to do it, but if the ex is already touchy about this subject then I was flagging that she probably won't react well to seeing her children in those shirts. Or pictures of her children in those shirts iykwim.

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  7. #34
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    Before I make a suggestion, why is his ex so touchy?
    How long has it been since their split?
    Was it your DH's decision?
    Has she moved on with a new man herself?
    Is she young enough that another baby is not such a stretch?

    Maybe you're underestimating her and she'd welcome the baby news so the focus is off her children (and her) for a while?
    It seems to me that if her preferred method of contact is email then she really wants as little communication as possible from you both suggests she's still angry or raw.

    I totally understand why you want to tell her but it might not be as big a deal to her at all. If she's moved on. If for some reason she hasn't moved on or blames you for 'stealing' her hubby or thinks she should be in your shoes even, then no matter how well you handle this, she is going to find fault for her own reasons.

    It's hard when the adults can't communicate without tension.
    I come from a broken home too, back in the day when these things were hushed up and we had to lie about our stepdad, pretend he was our real dad.
    It had a lasting affect on me well into my adult life.

    I think, without knowing details of their breakup, your DH should step up and be the better person here. He's the winner. He's got it all, new wife and new baby on the way, surely he could find it in himself to tell his ex-wife the news, especially if you're both sure she won't take it well.
    If that's an absolute no then how about telling the children first and then let them tell her? It's more their business than hers now.
    Maybe when they're being dropped off some day, tell her the kids have some news for you just before you (run) leave. She won't get mad at them and it gives her the option of NOT responding to the news the way an email or face to face would demand of her, ye know?
    Just a thought.

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  9. #35
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    kiwimum890 is offline It won't happen overnight, but it will happen!
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    Default Telling the Bio mother

    I think the others that have mentioned that your DH should tell her are on the right track, it is his responsibility not yours. I think it would be better received coming from him. I think it is probably best done in person and not sent to her work email, it wouldn't be nice to receive that info at work...

    I don't think she will be all that shocked anyway if she has already been told you were planning to TTC in September. It is just news she is expecting anyway, just a bit earlier than expected.....

    I would also hold off until after the 12 week scan, the less time she has to make your pregnancy difficult for you the better...

    I am unsure about the T-Shirts, I think the 'FINALLY' might be a little insensitive...to me it seems like the bio mum could take it like she is being blamed for the youngest child not having a younger sibling...

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    Quote Originally Posted by kiwimum890 View Post
    I think the others that have mentioned that your DH should tell her are on the right track, it is his responsibility not yours. I think it would be better received coming from him. I think it is probably best done in person and not sent to her work email, it wouldn't be nice to receive that info at work...

    I don't think she will be all that shocked anyway if she has already been told you were planning to TTC in September. It is just news she is expecting anyway, just a bit earlier than expected.....

    I would also hold off until after the 12 week scan, the less time she has to make your pregnancy difficult for you the better...

    I am unsure about the T-Shirts, I think the 'FINALLY' might be a little insensitive...to me it seems like the bio mum could take it like she is being blamed for the youngest child not having a younger sibling...
    I agree with this.

    Putting myself in bio mums shoes I would be upset if I saw my children in those t shirts

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    I think that given your circumstances an email would be the best way to tell bio mum. I agree with the others that it should really come from your DH if at all possible. I also think that the word "finally" on the t-shirt is a bit insensitive and could be taken badly.

    What a tough situation for you OP - I hope that whatever you decide to do goes as smoothly as possible and that once it's done you can relax and enjoy your pregnancy with little stress!

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  14. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phony View Post
    If that's an absolute no then how about telling the children first and then let them tell her? It's more their business than hers now.
    Maybe when they're being dropped off some day, tell her the kids have some news for you just before you (run) leave. .
    I don't think this is fair on the kids at all. Please don't make them the bearer of the news. I agree that its your DH's responsibility. If talking to her face to face might make things worse, then he can email her politely and let her know what's happening.

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    I just thought if things were strained it would be easier not to make such a big deal about it. Having any kind of face to face or email forces her to respond, and not responding says more than she'd probably care to admit.
    Coming from the children, who by the sound of it are excited about getting a new sibling, just takes the heat off of the ex-wife.
    She doesn't need to respond at all to getting the news that way if she doesn't want to.
    I don't think it's putting the children up to being the bearers of bad news. It opens up a conversation with them.

    Anyway, sure we're all just running through scenarios in our heads here.

    OP, how did you originally tell the ex that you were planning on ttc?
    Email or in person?
    Whichever way it was, maybe follow through on that.
    Oh remember when we said we were going to try for a baby in such and such, well as it happens...etc, etc.
    I'd do it as casually as you can, anything too orchestrated is going to tick her off even more, like she should give a hoot, ye know.

  17. #40
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    There are many other reason why it is better to come from me (including her specifically asking) but I am not comfortable posting them.

    It will come from me. Not H.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hamilicious View Post
    The only thing that worries me is using her work email, if she might get upset I don't think work is an appropriate place to be. Can you contact her via a personal email address?
    Nope. Work email is the only one she uses. She won't be at work at the weekend.

    Quote Originally Posted by HopefulK View Post
    I also wondered about the wording on DSS's tshirt - would saying "FINALLY" be a bit much for the ex do you think? If she's going to have a bad reaction I can see how that might also set her off. Or maybe just leave the tshirts for wearing at your place?
    She won't see the shirt. And it's a phrase he uses.

    Quote Originally Posted by HappyBovine View Post
    The kids are 7 and 9 though not toddlers. I know that my children would be feeling incredibly displaced if my exdh was to ever have a baby with someone else. The TShirts would be like rubbing salt into wounds and I doubt they would wear them. Actually I know they wouldn't.
    You don't know my stepkids. As stated above, DSS has used the phrase "I want to finally be a big brother" a lot. And they actually asked for tshirts about it when we told them we were thinking of having kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by Phony View Post
    Before I make a suggestion, why is his ex so touchy?
    How long has it been since their split?
    Was it your DH's decision?
    Has she moved on with a new man herself?
    Is she young enough that another baby is not such a stretch?
    I don't know why. She is "touchy" with everyone and every subject. It has always had to be her way.
    They split when DSS was 1 month old, so over 7 years ago.
    H did the leaving, but it was a mutual split.
    She does not currently have a partner, and has expressed that she doesn't want one.
    No. Completely out of the question.

    It's not her preferred method. It is in the parenting agreement. She prefers to call us, but it is not appropriate.

    The kids will not be put in the position of telling her. That is not their responsibility.

    We told her we would be TTC via email.

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