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  1. #21
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    Sorry but she sounds like a totally immature and selfish pain in the ****. I couldn't think of anything worse than getting married to her.

  2. #22
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    Default Couldn't feel more disconnected

    You want consistent sex from your partner with a newborn? Probably not going to happen. You need to work on yourself - making your goals more realistic. That's where the problem lies. Keep up with the counsellIng - even if it doesn't appear to go in your favour in the beginning.
    Last edited by VicPark; 26-06-2016 at 10:10.

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  4. #23
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    I am really not sure if I should reply or not..... I don't want to be harsh but I'm going to tell you what I really think.

    I think you are being very selfish. Being selfish and focusing on your own needs within a relationship is totally valid sometimes but not when you have a baby. It is not about you right now. Sorry I know that's hard but IMO it's true. I think you (and most men) totally underestimate what it takes to grow birth and raise a baby. As women we give that baby EVERYTHING we have. IMO your partner deserves to be given more time. Is she currently doing a wonderful job at raising your child? If she is then I think you should focus on that. When you look at her giving to your child you should view this as giving to you. She is showing you love by trying to be the perfect mother to your daughter. The first 12 months is very difficult and is all about the child. After that I think you can start slowly working towards you and your partner getting your needs met again. So for you that will mean slowly initiating a more active sex life and for you partner that might involve allowing her to find time for herself (in my experience when you partner has time away from bub to exercise/socialize/have 'me time' then she will feel like her old self and feel more like a partner and not just a mother. Only then will she truly be open to more sex).
    Now is probably not the best time to get married. It's also not the time to leave her because there is not enough sex. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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  6. #24
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    I'll give some pointers from my side. No my marriage, I'm the one who doesn't want sex. I lost my libido nearly 3 years ago and honestly, sex is lower on my list of chores than most housework. That is, I would rather fold my laundry than do it. I went for about 6 months purely hating it and would cry in the shower afterwards. Now I'm in more of a headspace of just getting on with it. Like any other chore. I'm not affectionate in other ways either. I don't like kissing or hugs etc. (I have a sensory processing disorder/avoidance) so it's been hard on us.
    My husband knows I'm not even remotely interested but our compromise is basically, we spoke about how often he wanted it versus how often I did (never) and met in the middle. I see me "throwing him one" is no different to him vacuuming the living room for me while I'm cooking. We are both doing something we really don't want to, for the other party.
    I recommend this. It seems so clinical and not the slightest bit romantic but if all parties know what the plan is, it takes A LOT of pressure off. She doesn't have to feel like you are nagging her constantly and you don't have to feel rejected.

    Our marriage is near on perfect in every other way. We just have this giant elephant in the room. But it's more manageable the more we talk about it.

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    I understand it must be tough to not be getting the amount of intimacy you want but a few points come to mind.

    The both of you might just have different libidos. She may just not need sex as much as you do. It sounds like you are in a bad cycle where you are unhappy with her level of initiation, she feels under even more pressure which is making her even less interested.

    I get that you are feeling resentful and frustrated, but your posts read as a bit arrogant. That you feel she trapped you. That you were doing so well before getting with her, you pay *her* bills, you had a great sex life before her. TBH if you were my husband and were saying that type of stuff, I wouldn't really be in the mood either.
    Last edited by delirium; 26-06-2016 at 10:54.

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  10. #26
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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    Sorry but she sounds like a totally immature and selfish pain in the ****. I couldn't think of anything worse than getting married to her.
    Because she doesn't feel like sex as often as him and may have a lower libido? Should she just spread her legs and stop being so selfish and immature?
    I find your comment harsh and really judgmental.
    Really, who knows why she's not feeling like being intimate?
    The OP said that his fiance has mentioned not feeling attractive. From my own experience, if I'm not feeling great about my body the last thing I want to do is be physically intimate. Does that make me selfish?

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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Marigold~ View Post
    Because she doesn't feel like sex as often as him and may have a lower libido? Should she just spread her legs and stop being so selfish and immature?
    I find your comment harsh and really judgmental.
    Really, who knows why she's not feeling like being intimate?
    The OP said that his fiance has mentioned not feeling attractive. From my own experience, if I'm not feeling great about my body the last thing I want to do is be physically intimate. Does that make me selfish?
    The OP is asking for opinions. I'm giving mine based on the information provided. It doesn't have to be the same as yours. And im not sure why you are bringing yourself and your situation into it. I'm commenting on the OP and his situation. I think you need to just let other people give their opinions.

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    How old is your baby girl now?

    Because when I was a first time parent the last thing on my mind was wanting to please anyone. All we do as mums to newborns is feed our babies change their clothes and change their nappies. If she is feeling unattractive run her a bath with bubbles as light a nice smelling candle for her. Wash her back and her hair that always makes a girl feel good about themselves.

    I said to my DH last night when we have sex again don't expect to much effort on my part as don't go hurting me to hard lol (having a c-sec) their response was what's sex I don't really care about that atm and we haven't been intimate like that is months and he nor I actually care about that fact either as he knows how exhausted I am now and our baby hasn't even arrived yet.

    Exhaustion for mums to newborns is pretty evident she has told you she feels unattractive and that is the first sign that something is definately up with her. She needs someone to talk to and so do you but seperately then bring your sessions together after you've been a few times.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    Sorry but she sounds like a totally immature and selfish pain in the ****. I couldn't think of anything worse than getting married to her.
    Funny how different people can read things differently. This is along the lines of what I thought about the OP.

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  16. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Funny how different people can read things differently. This is along the lines of what I thought about the OP.
    And that's ok. That's what the forum is about. Seeing things from different points of view.


 

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