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  1. #11
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    Default Thanks for your replies

    Thank you for your replies it means a lot. I totally understand that during the pregnancy she might not feel like it and will support her totally I am more worried that it won't return after. Our sex life at the beginning was great couldn't ask for more, but then she was stressed and it took a tumble and gradually made its way to here, most days turned to once a week, that turned to once every few weeks and then to months. All because of stress, what's got me worried is that stress is never going to go away and if I go by that reasoning I can assume that the sex will. Kids are stressful geez if it turns out anything like me when I was younger we are in for a treat, toothless terror, they called me haha. I'm torn I love her and I don't want to leave her, but I want to have that intimacy that couples should have. After bubs if nothing's changed in going to see if we can go see someone. If it comes from me I think I'm too emotionally attached to this and will only come out as me trying to make her feel bad but if someone else can help they are unbiased and maybe we can find some level ground. Because I tried for so long I pretty much have given up and it feels awkward for me to even try make a move on her. Has anyone had troubles kick starting things again any solutions that you might able to share with me?

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  3. #12
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    Greetings, try not to force the issue. She is going through some enormous changes too and is most likely feeling more and more stressed and exhausted. It's been over five years since my wife and I have had sex and I can't see anything changing in the near future.
    Good luck and stop thinking about it....that's what I do.

    Paul.
    SA

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    I don't have babies or young children but I'm in a sexless marriage . My h doesn't like or need it. So I go without and if I do make a move I'm rejected. Please talk to your wife and explain how you feel. She needs to know

  5. #14
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    Default Couldn't feel more disconnected

    Don't hold off on counsellIng. If stress caused the s&x to decline before pregancy, and if you have a problem with that, then it should ideally of been addressed before pregancy.

    That being said you can't go back. Get help now because it's only going to become a hell of a lot worse with a newborn.

    Maybe when your kid is born you will have a change in heart and realise there are worse things than not getting a regular shag. Like your kid being ill, having learning difficulties, post natal depression etc

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    I would try and talk with you partner about the issue. I know after I had my last child, the last thing I wanted was s3x or to even be touched. My hubby had a talk to me about how he was feeling and that being intimate made him feel needed. As much as I didn't feel like it, I saw his point of view and made more of an effort. The more I made an effort the more I actually wanted it. Don't make the talk just about s3x either!

  8. #16
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    Definitely talk to her and ask her what she feels is the problem. I know that the LAST thing I wanted to do while pregnant and in between the vomiting and aches and pains, was have se.x
    It didn't get better. In fact it got much much worse. My DD is now 2.5 and its been very recently discovered that my lack of libido is due to a deficiency in vitamin B3, B6 and testosterone all of which have a huge impact on libido. This is why I said talk to her. Is it just that she's tired? Is it that she has no se.xual desire? Sounds to me that it's more than just a being pregnant thing. Good luck OP X

  9. #17
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    Default So it's been awhile

    Hey guys,

    It's been awhile since I have been on here to reply and I have read and appreciate all your responses. My amazing DD is here in the world and one of he greatest gifts to come into my life, the issues between my partner and I are very much still there. I have spoken with her and been to therapy, I personally think the lady we saw was useless really didn't help much at all. I learnt I could be doing things differently, I found that because of a past problem I was unable to have sex for about 10yrs and when we able to fix it without medication i got so focused on the task rather then the warm up. But she isn't necessarily meaning foreplay as much as romance. I see that point of view and at first things seem to be on the mend, however like the times before. Whenever it's discussed, we have sex then it stops. I asked her why, she said that we had sex and the affection for her didn't change I didn't get any more affectionate. We had sex 2-3 times, all initiated by me. I have said to her that I need her to do the leg work a bit, I spent over a year being the super supportive, caring, affectionate partner without anything in return and did so because I wanted to. And she gave up after a week, I need her to show me that maybe she can come after me and show me that maybe I'm desirable and wanted, my affection will follow, I know it will I just need her to show me that we can consistently have sex but history shows me that it doesn't last so why would I try when history says that it's going to stop and I'll be left to chase her all the time rather then 50/50. I also don't want her to force it that's even worse.

    I don't know anymore more I'm exhausted that doesn't help, I'm stressed trying to save money for a wedding. Once the parental leave finished I was paying for her bills, my bills, the mortgage, food, and somehow in that I gotta save for a wedding. With all these issues going on, I really don't want to marry. Right now I'll do it because I don't want my daughter to grow up in a family where the parents are separated. I did and it was horrible, the angry between the 2 parents. I want her to be happy, she is the most giggly smiling kid and makes my day. But I don't know if I can handle this much more, she asked if I still love her and I just stood there staring at her, at the moment I don't. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. Or at least makes me feel that they don't want me. I don't know I'm going to see about having one last final talk, if things don't change, if we can't come to a compromise then perhaps it's best for her and me to go our seperate ways. Every little thing just annoys me now, how she is terrible with controlling her diabetes, she says she's doesn't feel like having sex because she doesn't feel attractive. Well imagine if she lost her foot, a hand, her eye sight, can only imagine how much stress that would be. But if it's self inflicted because she deliberately doesn't control her sugars then do I feel sorry for her or angry because this was avoidable. Even the whole, I tried to seduce you last night but you didn't want a bar of me, I'm like are you kidding why would you tell me that? Why on earth would I say no? Was I even conscious? Why not try right now?

    Sorry guys I'm venting, I want things to be better I really do, but my fuel tank is at empty. I need her to show me affection, the affection I need for a few weeks. I need to see she actually wants me, before I can give it back. Does that seem fair to you guys? Maybe it's not, maybe it's a lost cause, I finally spoke about how much this has gotten to me with one of my closest mates his pretty good about this. I haven't wanted to because I don't want anyone to look at her differently or treat her differently. He has heard me say that I think it's better to end things now, long before my daughter was conceived, but he just said it's a rough patch you will get past it. This time around I think his finally realised how serious this is, that I will go through with this wedding for my daughter not out of love. His suggested laying all the cards down on the table, everything, telling her that I can't be in this relationship if this is how it's going to be. That I don't feel the same way because of all this. That I feel I can't get my hopes up because there I no point when I know what will happen. But it feels like I'm just repeating myself, and I know she will just say the same things she has said before. He said it's likely to get much worse before it will get better, good chance I'll be back at my parents or she will for however long.

    The other night I went out with some mates for a going away, some random woman was all over me, I told her flat out I have a fiancé and a kid and I'm not interested, but she didn't care she told me that she has a boyfriend that's away. At that point I walked away, I will not cheat on my partner, I'm not going to lie she was a very attractive woman, and I was tempted and it's so hard to not think, this woman wanted me but my own partner doesn't? But I'm not going down that road, nothing good comes from that direction.

    Sorry guy if you have made it this far I am sorry I vented more then I should have. I am just so lost, I used to have a good amount of confidence and self esteem. I don't know, I get the feel she doesn't understand what I need to feel loved. She wants each time to be romantic and special, I will certainly do a fair few special and romantic things. I used to have a bath, candles, trashy magazine, drink and rose petals laid out when she got home from work and that didn't spice it up. She tells me she wants to be chased, and touched like I want her and that turns her on. Which is fine again I will do all this, but I also want that, I need that to feel like I'm wanted too, and not just the other way around. It needs to be both ways.

    I'm confused because the first few months were exactly how I'd imagine a good relationship to be, all over each other. I'm chasing her, she's chasing me, she will randomly jump me. And it stopped, I get the strong impression that it was maybe a ploy to get me, now she has me that she doesn't have to try anymore. I know I need to try more, but I need something to work with some sorta hope that things are improving. Part of me also wonders why she was also so eager for me, the night our daughter was conceived.. She knew she was ovulating, she wouldn't let me get out, and that one time in 3-6 months out daughter was conceived. And she is wondering why I'm not excited about the wedding.

    My life before I met her was on the right path, just got my first place, had flat mates in so the extra cash helped me fix it up, and pay it off faster. Looking forward to buying my 2nd place in a few years. Had a great sex life, traveling, and now I'm struggling, stressed, hardly do anything, reno's are half done because I can't afford to finish them. Many daughter is pretty amazing though, and I fear what this could do to her. Even if we are together seeing her parents not affectionate. I just want a happy home with lots of love.

  10. #18
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    I've lived through a mostly sexless relationship as well and it is horrible. I thought I could cope but, in a committed relationship, sex is the one thing that you can only do with them.

    Firstly, some of your points seem a little petty/whingey - the sorts of things I've told my DH he'd have to get over during pregnancy/first year of bub. However given the context pre-pregnancy, I can understand your frustration.

    Firstly, I'd try another counsellor if the first one was a dud. Often you need to find one that is a 'fit' for you. I had marriage counselling with XH and, while a lot of what she said we rolled on the floor laughing about afterwards because it was so bad, it opened up our communication so we could both listen actively and feel heard.

    Has she seen a psychologist about her difficulty managing stress? High stress can make me pretty much shut down, its a coping mechanism. Having her head in the sand about managing her diabetes is a perfect example of this sort of behavior. Perhaps suggest yoi both see psychologists, so it's not coming across as you telling her to go get help.

    My hackles go up when you talk of "paying her bills" because once DH and I committed everything was "ours". Of course you will pay for everything while she cannot work due to caring for a little baby. Saving for a wedding though, I would expect that to get put on hold.

    DH and I have been together 11 years and now have an 8yo and a 3yo. We have had to learn each other's needs. DH used to think I wasn't in the mood due to romance, so he'd buy me flowers or some such. But all I really wanted him to do was clean up the kitchen after I'd cooked dinner, or not talk to me about paperwork that I would need to take care of for him 10 minutes before bedtime. "Foreplay" for me starts long before the bedroom.

    I've worked out that DH needs a lot more touch than I do. So every time we pass each other I give his arm or but cheek a squeeze, stop to hug him, kiss his shoulder. It is an effort for me as I'm not very touchy-feely, plus my kids also need cuddles all day, but it is what he needs to feel wanted. So I make the effort for us.

    Before we worked out each other's 'buttons' we had all sorts of problems because he'd be thinking he showed he cared by touching me, but I fel he didn't care because he would leave all the housework to me. Ditto me thinking I was showing how much I care by cooking his favourite dinner but he felt rejected still.

    So we have different values when it comes to affection and caring. When those needs are being met for both if us, the bedroom fun times just happen.

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  12. #19
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    She did not want to have sex with you before during or after. It's not going to change 5 years down the track and no amount of therapy will change her for longer than a few weeks. Plus she will probably want more kids (it's probably going to be the only time she will want to shag you) And you are going into a marriage knowing that. All those little things that bother you like the way she chews or breaths are going to get bigger and the only relief you will get is by yourself in the shower. You will become more resentful and bitter. It's depressing don't do it to yourself. Trust me I'm coming from experience.

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    My initial thoughts are:

    How old is your daughter? That first year or so is crazy with sleep deprivation, having a baby need you 24/7 and feeling like you're only flatmates with your partner is pretty common. It takes a while to settle into your new roles and feel back to normal. I've heard you shouldn't break up in the first year or so, provided your relationship was good pre-baby.

    My second thought was, what are your "love" languages? Apparently people feel/see affection/love differently - ie. Some need to be told "i love you", some need touch and some use gestures (ie. Making a cup of tea). Sounds like you and your partner may not be communicating effectively at the moment. Seeing a counsellor may help here.

    It also sounds like your under a lot of financial pressure. If you're struggling to save up for the wedding, you might want to consider delaying it or changing your expectations of how you want your wedding (ie. have a smaller budget).

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