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  1. #1
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    Default Couldn't feel more disconnected

    Hey all,

    I have come on here because I need to know I'm either over reacting or not alone in this. My partner and I are 14 weeks today and it's exciting that we are having a bubs! I even went and bought a baby carrier, super manly camo one with molle and D hooks and stuff haha I love it. But i can't shake the feeling that I'm getting more and more disconnected to my partner, our sex life was pretty bad before the pregnancy and I raised my concerns saying that I really want to feel close to her and to feel intimate with her. I tried showing more affection, doing more romantic things, and it really didn't lead anywhere. While I do do this stuff because I want to not just for sex it would certainly be nice to have it resipricated. I think from memory we have had sex 2-3 times in 5-6 months, 1 of those times made the baby which made the conception date very easy to know. She has been so unlucky to have had nausea and really bad back pains. I try and keep the house clean, I will rub her back, I will reheat the heat packs and try to make her feel as comfortable as possible. But lately I can't help but feel more like a brother or a friend, I hear that after birth it doesn't get any better and my greatest fear is to be in a sexless relationship. If it was bad before the pregnancy what's it's going to be like when bubs is part of the picture. I can see how less caring I am getting and I feel guilty feeling this way, which is only making me feel worse. I want to treat her how she deserves to be treated but I want to feel like I matter too I want to feel like I'm more then a slave to her needs and feel wanted. She tells me that I never initiate sex anymore but she stopped long before I did and I certainly tried, I even got told I was presuring her at one stage so I backed off and waited for her.. Well I'm still waiting and almost everytime I try it's a no, she is concerned that she is rejecting me when she says not tonight and in that sense I should feel like she cares but when not tonight becomes the only response it doesn't make me feel any less rejected. To me sex is a hugely important part of a relationship, i used to have severe Anxiety which caused me to release adrenaline whenever sex could happen, I had finally just overcome this 10yr problem before we met and started to have a great sex life while I was single and it feels like I am right back in a problem that troubled me for years. I don't really want to go back to that and for the last year and bit I pretty much have been right back there. It doesn't matter how much I raise it nothing really changes, I usually get the responses that she doesn't satisfy me and perhaps we should end things now. As soon as that's said I just keep quiet why raise it if I'm going to feel guilt tripped and now I'm totally withdrawn I don't bother trying to have sex with her, I'm not anywhere near as affectionate and just starting to not feel the same way as she does I guess.

    Sorry for the rant I just need to know if I'm the only one or if anyone else has anything remotely similar to this.

  2. #2
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    Could you say this to your partner? You're right it is worse after the baby comes but once things settle it gets good again

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    Sounds like you need to talk to her about how you feel. Also be open about how she might feel too.

    My partner didn't get any the whole time I was pregnant. He was really understanding and I'm very grateful.

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    Reading your post it seems the issue was around before the pregnancy which indicates it will probably be there after the pregnancy, especially since a you are adding a child to the picture. I've been in a Se.xless relationship and I will put it bluntly if she doesn't want to have s.ex there is very little you can do. You can try talking to her again or you can try counselling. But she needs to want to fix it, you stated you have already raised the issue without much success. Maybe try explaining how important it is to you and how it makes you feel which might work or it may get you pity Se.x which is worse then no se.x.

    I really don't have much advice. Coming from someone who's lived it I can tell you that emotionally it was the hardest thing I've been through. But I had to accept that some people don't find s.ex that important and can happily live without much of it. I'm not one of those people. At the end of the day its your call but your feelings are just as importnant as hers and you deserve to have a sexually fulfilled life.

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    I agree with the previous poster. My DH and I only DTD maybe 4 times when I was pregnant with bub 2 and not at all since having him and he's 9 months old.

    But we both know and accept it's because I'm too tired and need my sleep to be a decent mother so s.ex is the last thing on my mind. It's getting sleep and surviving the first year.

    We were the same after our first bub but started DTD much sooner with her as she was sleeping through so much earlier. So for us we know when the first yea fog dissipates we will be back to DTD, but for now we are at least on the same page.

    But as you mentioned it was a problem before getting pregnant.

    I think you need to talk to her about it again and let her know you're serious that something needs to change or you can't stay together.

    I know if my DH turned around and told me he wasn't happy with where our s.ex life was and that he saw our lack of s.ex as feeling worthless and rejected I would make changes to make a bit more of an effort.

    If however he made me feel guilty by trying it on and I said no and him acting all ****ty straight after, I would be less likely to want to make an effort as I wouldn't want to feel coerced into having s.ex if I was too tired or not in the mood at that moment, but I would happily make the effort to have more intimacy when I felt in the mood to initiate it and make my DH feel loved and important.

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    Not having a go, but if your partner didn't fancy s.ex before pregnancy I'm pretty sure the last thing she'd be wanting or needing right now is pressure to start doing it more if she's pregnant!
    I certainly have other things on my mind right now and I'm stuffed so s.ex is not even on my agenda. Same with a newborn.
    Better to address it if it doesn't pick up later when she's not tired and sore after the bubs is born.....could be awhile though
    It's perfectly normal to have your sex life take a tumble after pregnancy/baby comes around!

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    I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say you sound like a really nice guy. I hope things pick up for you soon.

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    It might be something you are going to have to accept for the time being...your partner is pregnant & with all-day-sickness & back pain - DTD is probably at the bottom of her priorities now. When I was preg with our first, between the pregnancy fatigue, sickness & aches then a new baby we didn't DTD for a good 11 months. It did get back to normal but I needed time & I love my hubby very much for not pressuring me.

    Maybe try to find a time to talk about how you both are feeling - aim for a time you are both not tired or stressed. You both need to understand each other's feelings & needs. Maybe find things to do together to reconnect a bit, cuddle on the couch, hold hands etc.

    Best wishes

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    I just realised this is the dad's chat forum. My apologies OP.

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