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  1. #1
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    Default Does the love ever return?

    DF and i have been together for 2.5 years and i am currently 35 weeks pregnant. He has been on 14 months of deployments with work in the past 17 months- so we have spent alot of our relationship apart.

    I have found out that he was having an 'emotional affair' for four months whilst away. It became physical last Friday, and i caught them. Since then he has come out and said he feels he hasnt loved me since Feb last year, after the first deployment and he thought about breaking up with me then.

    Im devastated. Here i have been in this little bubble of his words, how he wanted to be a family and a husband and he loved me etc..secretly he was always planning to leave. Now im pregnant and stuck to him forever-i just can't believe that someone could live two lives like that.

    He believes he just got lazy and stopped bothering as he knew he was away for so long, and thats why he fell out of love.

    So now, he is saying he wants to try and work things out so he can stay in the house and support me and the baby, and that he wants to see if we can get that love back. Im worried hes only doing this because hes scared of losing our son, and in turn my heart will be broken again in a years time when he checks back out and ive wasted another year on him.

    On the other hand i feel like having our son and us going through this will bring us closer and remind him that he did was this life at some point.

    I dont know, im so confused.

    Can relationships survive this? How do you get the love back? How do i bring the 'honeymoon' period back?

    Being apart for such a length of time was bound to take a huge toll on our relationship.

    Logically i want to leave him as i am hurting so much and he has been a scumbag, but i love him and i believe we owe it to eachother and our son to try.. so please no negative 'leave him' comments.

    I dont know how i could have been so blind and now ended up in this position

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    For me it wouldn't be so much can we get the love back, as can we get the trust back? If my DH did something like that to me, I would be forever untrusting, even if I forgave him. And I don't believe there can be a relationship without trust.
    You know yourself best, do you think you could get to a point in the future where (if he really was invested in the relationship & never did anything like this again) you could really relax & know that he's not playing around without you having to go through his phone, his accounts, interrogating him constantly? If you can, you are a bigger & better person than I.

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    Oh gosh, what a horrible thing to have to deal with when you're 35 weeks pregnant! Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to help with moving forward from here? I would think it will involve something like your DH listening to you and understanding the hurt he has caused, and then the two of you doing things together to start rebuilding intimacy and trust. It will be a long road, and he must be truly committed to changing and to working on the relationship and be willing to accept that it will take time for you to process what has happened. And he must be willing to accept responsibility for his actions and work on gaining your trust again and not just expect things to magically be okay.

    Big, big hugs. It might be a good idea for you to have counselling on your own first so that you can make decisions and talk about how you feel without the pressure of him being right there.


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    Aww hon I am so so sorry you are going through this. What a horrible situation. I wish I could help.

    Can you get relationship councilling through his work? Surely you two are not the first couple experiencing this. They must provide some sort of support for families like you two who are separated for a long period of time due to being in the forces.

    I'm very sad to say that this is not uncommon. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour, just saying k have heard many stories of men (AND women) cheating while away. Its a different life style for them. they live, work & sleep in close quarters. 2 weeks in you feel like you have known everyone for 2 years because you spend all day everyday together. Time gets warped & its even worse if he was in a war zone fearing for his safety. it becomes all about survival & living in the moment.

    If you and he would like to try and move past this I highly recommend contacting his base to enquire about councilling (which should also be free)

    hugs to you x

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    can the love come back.?? simple answer, yes I believe it can. it will take some work, and a serious level of commitment and good counselling. will he be going away anytime in the future?? that would be a large part of how you decide to work on the relationship. honestly, there would be so many relationships under stress from partners being deployed, I would be surprised if the service provided counsellors could keep up with the demand. hugs for you, I suggest you focus on the soon arrival of your bub, and then make time to work on the relationship. marie.

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    We are both in the forces so we both have access to psychology which i have booked in but it will be a stretch that i can get a couple of appointments before the birth. He has also been speaking to someone.

    Understanding the lifestyle having been there myself (not cheated but recognized how easy it is) has been one of my reasons for wanting to try and work it out.

    He will home for a year and half at the moment, and i honestly think that that is scaring the crap out of him as he says he feels he has never even lived with me i think what hurts the most is when last night he told me he wanted to break up with me so early on. I have called my midwife to book in a counselling appointment too as all of this stress has made me feel like im rejecting my son, as if he is a part of my fantasy life that i dont want anymore without my DF. I know it sounds absolutely horrible and i feel so guilty, but i am just so stressed.

    He said last night he thinks eventually everything will settle and we will be happy, but only if i think i can move past everything. I told him that i think i can, but it will take time to build the trust up.

    Im just worried hes telling me what i want to hear. Im worried about what i want to make our sons last name as i want the same name as my baby, and if we arnt getting married then i dont want him to have his name. This devastates him.

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    I just dont get why you would propose and try for a baby and do everything we did if he didnt love me

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    For me the most important question I would be asking myself is if the trust can return. Can you trust his word and to not give up again in a year or two?
    No trust equals no relationship to me.
    Can love return, im not so sure.

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    I'm going to go against the grain and say I believe no, not really. I think couples can find that emotional intimacy, affection etc they have lost, but those couples are mostly still in love they've just forgotten why, and how to show it. Given you've only been together 2.5 years and he's been out of love for you for 1.5 years that's a long time for him to feel that way in such a short relationship. You've also, by what you have said, not lived together and he has been gone a big portion of your relationship so it sounds like you need to get to know each other more deeply.

    I hope he is worthy of the trust you are giving him.

  10. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to delirium For This Useful Post:

    BettyW  (29-06-2015),BlondeinBrisvegas  (26-06-2015),HillDweller  (26-06-2015),Skyler  (29-06-2015)

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    A relationship can survive this. There were mistakes made in my relationship involving other people. We got through it and now we're at a really good place. We never really lost the love, though. We just didn't appreciate each other and that's what caused the stupid mistakes we made. There's a lot of regret and sometimes it still hurts even though it's been years. But there is more trust between us now than there was before. I know that sounds weird.

    Your situation is unique. It could be possible that your DH made a rash decision about leaving you and once he thought is over, realized it's not what he really wants. I think situations like deployment can make the best of them go a little haywire.

    Right now, the wound is fresh. I think you need to give yourself a bit of time to really think and decide what you want to do. Forgiving him and trying to move past it is going to be a long and tough road and only you can decide if it's worth it or not. And if he's worth it. I think you really need to monitor his behavior for a while to determine how sorry he is or if he's sorry at all. If he's sorry, he will show it. If he wants to change and does change you will see it. You do need to have the conversation about how he feels about you now and see if it's salvageable. He may still love you, but lost his way. He might not. I recommend counselling, if you can.

    Is he home right now? Is he going to be deployed again? Will this cause a bigger rift if he is?
    Last edited by hopeful1986; 24-06-2015 at 13:37.

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