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  1. #1
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    Default Husband wants to donate sperm - can't deal

    My dh wants to donate sperm. we have two girls ages 10 and 7. he always made out like he was happy with that and always said he was not sure he could handle the different dynamics of bringing up a boy (he was brought up hard by his own father). I took this at face value and these past few months he has been going through the process of going to the clinic to register and have his sperm tested.

    I have had to go with him to a counselling session (not sure if she could tell by my face that I was not happy there). By law you have to go to two sessions, the next is in a couple of weeks.

    I know it is ridiculous and it is his own body, but I just cannot get on board with this, it is really hurting me. I have just turned 40 and was against having any more (I feel like I did everything myself with our two and couldn't cope with another) but he has said he does not want to raise any more children. I would have had another one a couple of years ago if it would have stopped this. I am feeling like the one person who I love most in the world (apart from my girls) is hurting me. He isn't telling anyone about this and I feel like I have nobody to tell all these feelings too, it's eating me up. Please give me some balanced thoughts and reasoning! Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Can I ask why he wants to donate?
    I would not be comfortable with my DH donating sperm.
    I have great respect and admiration for people who can donate sperm or eggs the same way you would donate blood but I see it as almost the same as adoption and it's not something I could personally do or support my DH in doing.

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    Last edited by Louise41; 20-06-2015 at 22:13.

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    I don't know if I can! I'd be extremely hurt.

    Has he explained why he wants to?

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    I'm with everyone else, has he told you why?

    I understand it it's an amazing thing to do I just wouldn't want my DH to do it because he will father a child that will be biologically his. I know that sounds incredibly selfish but I just couldn't deal with that.

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    I want to do donate my eggs. As I see it, being a mother is the absolute best thing ever. It breaks my heart some people struggle to become pregnant. If I can help someone (of my choosing) experience that joy I will. I could never give away a baby though and do not want any more children myself.

    DH on the other hand, while he is mostly supportive, feels differently. He sees his sperm as his babies (which, obviously biologically are) and would never ever consider donating.

    I don't think wanting to donate is about having/raising more children, because they are NOT his (or your) children to raise. Even if you had more children of your own it might not necessarily stop his desire to donate sperm.

    I think you need to sit down and have a talk before the next counselling session. Try to see where he is coming from (no pun intended) and be open to his point of view. But, if you really cannot come to terms with it, be honest and explain why.

    I hope you can work something out so you're both happy. Good luck.

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    What an amazing person. As the recipient of donor sperm I am forever indebted to someone just like your DH.

    Without donor my DH and I could not have had a child, no ifs or buts. We now have a daughter who is 100% ours. While a donor is part of our story it does not define it.

    While DD is too young to understand it all at this stage, we have written a story for her and she will grow up knowing. No doubt she will be interested in finding out about the donor, but I don't expect him to be a father in any sense of the word.

    You really need to ask your DH why he wants to (I'm surprised it wasn't a question in the counselling session). Most of the donor profiles I read wanted to help another family, there never seemed to be anything but alturisc motives, and none viewed it as having more of their own children.

    What are your concerns?

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    Have you had a good talk with him about it and how you feel and how he feels?
    I know personally, I couldn't deal with DH's biological children, our kids biological siblings out in the world and us not raising them. I hate that I feel this way, but I can't help it so I would be very against DH donating sperm and while it's his body and his choice, it would hurt deeply if he went ahead with it knowing my feelings. I know I would take DH's feelings very much into account with such a big decision.
    That said, if your DH isn't aware of how you feel then he doesn't in my opinion, have all the information he needs to make his decision.

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    I think he really would have liked a boy. He says that he couldn't have asked me to go through another pregnancy as he felt the births were too traumatic, and thought over the years there might have been an accident. He says he thinks it would be a 'cool' thing to do, something for him, and that in years to come hemay get to meet a biological son. He says to me he doesn't need more daughters. It all sounds egotistical to me. He is aware of how uncomfortable I am with all of this. To me (ad I know this really isn't the case) i just liken it to having children with someone else. That is probably my ego getting in the way there.

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    But it kind of is that way... I mean he said he is hoping to one day meet his son? I would be interpreting it the same way - it's a way for him to have another child that he hopes to meet/have a relationship with!

    I don't know. I agree with PP that donation is a wonderful and altruistic gift, but it doesn't sound like that is what this is. Could he be having some kind of mid-life crisis type thing? I know sometimes men feel a kind of biological imperative to spawn an heir type thing.

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