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  1. #1
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    Default is it better to live a life of regret?

    Hi everyone

    So I'm married. We've been together 8 years.
    He has 2 kids to a previous marriage
    And we have 1. She is 18 months old.
    I am 30 and he's 37.

    I never knew how much being a mum would change me. I am borderline desperate for another bubba.

    I just want to be surrounded by kids and the joy they bring.
    The older 2 are 13 and 18 so my little girl won't always have them around and she's ultimately an only child.

    Mind you, it took a year of convincing for my husband to agree to have our daughter

    He is 100 percent against having more.
    Nope. No way. Absolutely not.

    I respect that it's his decision. but I dream about being pregnant and I think everyday about it.

    I'll always regret it if i don't have more. I'm not complete.

    But. I don't want to break up my family just to find someone who has the same wants as myself.

    Uggggghhhhhhh. Can I have your thoughts?

  2. #2
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    Can you write him a letter to describe in detail how much this means to you? You say that you respect his decision but it works both ways, he must also respect yours. I don't want another child, but if DH said that he did I would never, ever deny him that.

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    I would talk to him, a lot. Give him 3-6 months to get used to the idea, and then if it was the same, I would leave (if having more kids is that important).

  4. #4
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    When you got together, did he tell you that he wasn't interested in having any more kids? I would tell him how much it means to you to have another but if he says no, I wouldn't leave. I get that desperate desire for another child but I wouldn't break up my family for it.

  5. #5
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    its such a hard thing when you want different things and its something so important like this.

    All you can do is have a deep and meaningful discussion with him about how much this means to you - and if he doesnt change his mind, you will need to have a think about what is more important to you ... him or another baby

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    I'm just wondering if you knew when you met him that he didn't want more kids?? Or that when he agreed to have this child with you, did he say then he didn't want anymore??

    I ask because my DP had/has 2 adult children from a previous relationship when we met a little over 8 yrs ago. After we dated for a while and things looked like they were going to get serious, we had the "kids" talk and I told him then I wanted a child..just one.

    At the time he was leaning towards wanting no more so I told him to go away and have a good, long hard think and get back to me when he had decided. If he decided he wanted no more, that was fine, but we'd be going our separate ways with no hard feelings as I knew I did want a family and it was something I wouldn't compromise on, just like I understood that if he didn't, it would be something he wouldn't compromise on and as such there'd be no point in continuing.

    I left him alone and he took 2 weeks to come back to me after deciding that should things work out with us that yes, he would have another child. We got our DD eventually but if he was to come back to me today and tell me he wanted another the answer would be no (even if we'd conceived our DD easily and naturally) and there's nothing he could say or do to make me change my mind just as I know if the shoe was on the other foot his answer would be the same.

    I understand your desire to have another child, but if you knew/know that's how he feels, and you agreed to it when you married him/got pregnant with your DD, then it's a little unfair to ask him to change his mind IMO.

    I'm not sure if you work outside of the home atm...but would you and he consider fostering on a short term or long term basis or maybe becoming a Family Day Care mum or something so you can channel those maternal feelings somewhere else??

    Of course you can talk to him and tell him how you feel and why you feel this way and how much it means to you etc. You never know, he could change his mind but an issue such as this could also have the opposite effect and start breeding resentment/bitterness on both sides especially if it causes a stalemate between you where you won't give up your desire for another child (not that I'm saying you should) and he won't give up his decision that he wants no more.

    In my experience, it's the women who push men into something they don't want..like another child or deliberately get themselves pregnant that soon end up alone NOT that I'm saying you would do that, but there's many that have/do.

    I think if you don't want to break up your family, you may just have to accept things if after you've spoken to your DH he still feels the same way. Unfortunately, we can't always have what we want, sometimes we have to be content with what we have especially in a situation like this with what could be at stake.

    Just my opinion OP. I wish you all the very best

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    Well said, @BlondeinBrisvegas. That's what I was trying to say and I think it makes total sense even though I also know it's hard to be sensible when you're SUPER clucky!

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    Thanks everyone.

    We didn't get into to much details before we married. I was 22 and carefree and didn't know what i wanted and he always said that if I wanted them that he would be cool with that but if I didn't then he'd be fine with that too.

    I won't leave him and I wouldn't trick him into or force him to do anything.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    I would talk to him, a lot. Give him 3-6 months to get used to the idea, and then if it was the same, I would leave (if having more kids is that important).
    !
    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    I would talk to him, a lot. Give him 3-6 months to get used to the idea, and then if it was the same, I would leave (if having more kids is that important).
    Noooooooo!
    I think this is rather unfair. The OP is still young so a 3-6 month deadline is a bit much. At least wait until dd is out of the terrible 2 stage before putting the hard word on hubby. And leaving her husband to perhaps have more kids with someone else ... This would happen at the expense of her daughters family life and sense of security . Not something you want to prematurely rush

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  14. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    !

    Noooooooo!
    I think this is rather unfair. The OP is still young so a 3-6 month deadline is a bit much. At least wait until dd is out of the terrible 2 stage before putting the hard word on hubby. And leaving her husband to perhaps have more kids with someone else ... This would happen at the expense of her daughters family life and sense of security . Not something you want to prematurely rush
    Why is it unfair? I was clear that it was what I would do.

    As for sticking with him for the sake of her DD, my mum and bio dad did that... I held it against them for a very long time. It wasn't a healthy or happy environment.

    So you're saying the OP should suck it up?
    NO! If she is clear that she wants more kids, and he is clear he doesn't, that's that.


 

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