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  1. #11
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    Default Step Daughter help!

    I was just trying to pm you, but you don't have enough posts..

    Have a conversation with your wife first, let her know your plans, then have the conversation with your step daughter.

    Please don't let her fall in to a trap of measuring her self worth against how badly boys want to have s3x with her. Please, just (respectfully) point out her value and self worth. Put a stop to the texts / photos / whatever now.

    As for the discipline, I think that's difficult if you've had 3 years of leaving it up to your wife. But do not allow anyone in your house to disrespect you, you should still be the head of your household.
    Last edited by preggasaurus; 11-06-2015 at 20:42.

  2. #12
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    Thank you so much for your replies.

    I have spoken to my wife last night and we have agreed to speak to her on Sunday when she gets back from her fathers.

    I have found out a few more things and now all technology etc will be taken away until she's earnt our trust again.

    She needs to understand that guy doesn't respect you doing what she's been doing. A nice guy doesn't appreciate a girl who just goes around and flirting with 5 guys at the same time and sending pics etc.

    I think it's a matter of self respect and I just don't know she doesn't have any. Something we need to find out.

    Anyways thanks again for the help and thanks for the kind words. I love these girls like they're my own so I will always protect and care for them like they're my daughters.

  3. #13
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    Hi. I just wanted to share a little of my experience in case it can help you. My mother remarried when I was a similar age to your step daughter. It is VERY difficult to be a stepfather to a teenage girl!
    I believe you should leave the discipline to her mother. You and your wife should discuss things and make a plan for her that you both agree with but your wife should be the leading force at delivering the discipline. When I was the stepdaughter I would not have accepted discipline from my mums husband AT ALL. I would just push back- and teenage girls are very stubborn!
    Notice that I refer to my step dad as my 'mums husband'? It took a very very long time for me to accept him as a stepdad. Much much longer then 3years (as you and your wife have been married).
    I believe that you can have a huge influence over this young lady but it may be better if you approach her as a friend, or even an uncle type relationship. It will develop into more if you don't force it. You can be an amazing male figure in her life and show her she has self worth. Teach her how to have a good respectful relationship by having one with her mother. Support and love her unconditionally but accept that at her age and stage, she with not trust easily.
    I gave my mums husband hell in my teenage years...... But we are now extremely close (it's been almost 20 years!). He is now a grandfather to my kids and I am very grateful that he is a great stepdad to me and a great husband to my mum.
    Good luck
    X

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  5. #14
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    I think there are two issues here.

    One is the misuse of social media and technology, and I think a punitive approach is warranted. I know of some parents who allow their young teenagers to have social media with the rule that they are 'friends' as well and have access to the password. If the password is changed then the accounts are closed/technology is removed. Is she aware that as a minor, sending explicit messages and pictures is against the law? Do you think a chat at the police station would have any impact?

    The other issue, and I understand your concern, is the social issue. My feeling is that if her friends find out the extent of her behaviour and she is ostracised as a result, then that is a natural consequence, albeit a harsh and difficult lesson for her.

    Telling lies about her family is for the most part harmless to you all (although a little alarming), except for when she is alleging abusive behaviour, which to me is unacceptable.

    I agree that her mother needs to be the one to address this behaviour, but it needs to be absolutely clear to your SD that you and your wife are on the same page.

  6. #15
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    The other issue was that her mother didn't discipline her and possibly ignored her behaviour. Probably her way of coping.

    I think it's wonderful that you have her mother on board now to take action. The issues need to be addressed. There is some excellent advice on here and I hope the conversation goes as well as can be expected.

  7. #16
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    Oblena is offline I've done it in public and I'll do it again - I don't care who sees!
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    I’m a secondary school teacher and your post is a massive alarm bell.

    Your wife needs to contact the school and a GP asap. The allusion to cutting is not a joke and is actually very serious – social media also changes how kids perceive things and it becomes quite a ‘thing’ in schools. I won’t go into detail, but if I worked at your child’s school and you rung me I would be putting place a multitude of things.
    Look at the two websites:
    http://www.education.vic.gov.au/school/teachers/health/Pages/safeminds.aspx
    http://www.headspace.org.au/

    Both address the issues of increasingly aggressive mental health problems faced by our youth. The first also details issues with cutting.
    Your wide can go to the GP and ask for a mental health plan. Ongoing behavioural therapy is needed and may need a whole family approach. This is not something that will go away nor will she ‘grow out of it’ as a lot of people like to say. Cutting especially is something that builds and can end up having quite a following in groups.
    Your step daughter needs social media monitored and very firm rules put in place for use and parental restrictions on internet access etc – it is likely that the social media is making this behaviour seems quite fun and a part of a normal group activity – this perception needs to be challenged.
    Things that spark my concern – increasing discussion of cutting, lack of understanding about sexual dangers and the highly sexualized and not age appropriate sexualized behaviours. All of this points to needing more than a ‘little chat’.
    Your step daughter actually needs outside help. Your wife and her ex-husband need a co-ordinated approach that involves a mental health plan form a GP and referrals to appropriate mental health professionals. The social media needs to be shut down and monitored. I would also ask the school for ongoing welfare support and if they too have a psychologist there I would get them involved.
    Good luck – unfortunately for you – this is something your wife needs to take control of – with your support, and not the other way around.

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  9. #17
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    @Oblena has given excellent advise. I was similarly concerned by the op but don't have Oblenas experience.

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    Instead of approaching it from a "she needs to be punished" aspect, how about approaching it from a "happy kids don't do that type of crap, we need to find out what's bothering her so we can get the dangerous a behavior to stop."

    Teenage girls can go through hell with hormones, friendship group splits etc. Add to that she's in a split family and her mum has remarried ...that poor kid. To be honest it disturbs me that your first thought is punishment.

    I'm also a little disturbed that you seem to know so much about her personal/sexual escapades. Not because I think you're doing anything nefarious, rather because teenage girls need their privacy, especially in relation to body issues. If you can get your wife to handle it that would be best - unless you want to embarrass and alienate your step daughter.

    By all means let her mother (yes her mother should do the discipline) take the technology away. Not as a punishment but as a protective measure - so your step daughter doesn't get involved in things that will haunt her for the rest of her life. It's not a punishment on her. If anything the fault lies with her mother and yourself - letting a 14 year old have obviously unsupervised access to technology like that? She's 14 - too young to know what's in her own best interest. You both should have known better.

    Don't assume she hasn't tried cutting because she told you she hasn't. At that age I never would have told my parents the truth about much because I didn't trust them. They had no idea what was going on in my little world probably the same as with your step daughter.

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  13. #19
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    Oblena is offline I've done it in public and I'll do it again - I don't care who sees!
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    I also wanted to add that it is likely your step daughter is accessing p8rn and is having her views of normal sexual behaviour shaped by this.

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    Default Step Daughter help!

    Quote Originally Posted by nthbrissieguy View Post

    I have found out a few more things and now all technology etc will be taken away until she's earnt our trust again.

    She needs to understand that guy doesn't respect you doing what she's been doing. A nice guy doesn't appreciate a girl who just goes around and flirting with 5 guys at the same time and sending pics etc.

    I think it's a matter of self respect and I just don't know she doesn't have any. Something we need to find out.

    .
    Far out. You need to understand that young girls don't do this because they are inherently tarts or anything like that. They usually do it because adults in their lives either have or are currently screwing them over in some regards.

    Instead of your step daughter needing to earn your and her mothers trust, perhaps you both need to earn hers, so she actually feels comfortable opening up to you?
    Last edited by VicPark; 13-06-2015 at 14:32.

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