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  1. #1
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    Default Step Daughter help!

    Hi all,

    I am a Step dad to two girls, one 14 and one 10.

    We are having issues with the 14yr old at the moment. Everything she has told her friends at school is a lie. Some of these lies are just ludicrous e.g. her dad took off when she was born (no he didn't and has been in her life her whole life), she has 9 brothers and sisters (no she doesn't, just one sister), her grandad died (both are still alive), she takes medication for depression (no she doesn't and isn't depressed) tells her friends she's cutting herself (never has, we have asked) etc etc.

    Now she has used both social media and texting to do all this. She has been caught lying before to her friends and we spoke with her and we though she understood and that she may stop. She hasn't.

    I understand that most of this might be for attention or she's after sympathy and makes her friends think she has nothing.

    We have also caught her out sending pics etc to boys and also texting quite sexual things, which to our knowledge has stopped.

    Now it also looks like she has been going behind her best friends back and telling her friends boyfriend she loves him and to forget about her friend and then tells her friend the exact opposite. There's alot going on.

    Now she has been spoken to before and it keeps happening. Being the step dad I don't step over the line and allow her mum to talk to her and decide what's the best action. After the recent things we have found though her mother won't talk to her and does nothing.

    Now am I over the top here or because she's been given the benefit of the doubt several times and broke the trust placed in her by us, should she be punished? Social media taken away, mobile taken away, sort of grounded etc.Am I to old school? I mean she should be spoken to and realise that she broke the trust placed in her and that if her friends, or when, they find out she won't have any friends, and that's what worries me. She'll be outcast.

    IF she should be punished etc how do I explain that to my wife without sounding like Im telling her how to raise her daughter?

    Help me please!! Tell me if I'm being to over the top on this or should I just let it go?

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  3. #2
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    Does her school have a counselor? Might be worth seeking their advice and support to get through this. If they don't maybe your GP can refer you to a good one.

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    This is tricky.. It really depends on the dynamic of your family.

    How long have you been her step dad? Have you ever assumed a father type role with your step kids? Did you and your partner have a discussion that she would do all the parenting and you wouldn't be involved?

    The reason I am asking is because if you don't have a father type role in her life, you'll just have to leave it up to your partner, in my opinion. But you could talk to your partner and ask her to discipline the girl. I believe removing all access to technology would be pretty reasonable. Take her phone put a password on the internet etc..

    If you can talk to your step daughter, I would say that she should have more self respect than to be sending pictures of herself and flirty dirty messages to people. That lying is never acceptable, and that you value honesty in your family.

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    Quote Originally Posted by preggasaurus View Post
    This is tricky.. It really depends on the dynamic of your family.

    How long have you been her step dad? Have you ever assumed a father type role with your step kids? Did you and your partner have a discussion that she would do all the parenting and you wouldn't be involved?

    The reason I am asking is because if you don't have a father type role in her life, you'll just have to leave it up to your partner, in my opinion. But you could talk to your partner and ask her to discipline the girl. I believe removing all access to technology would be pretty reasonable. Take her phone put a password on the internet etc..

    If you can talk to your step daughter, I would say that she should have more self respect than to be sending pictures of herself and flirty dirty messages to people. That lying is never acceptable, and that you value honesty in your family.
    Thanks for the reply.

    We have been together for just over 3 years. Their father is still in their lives but sort of every second weekend. I try to be the father role in their lives but have left the discipline up to their mother.

    I honestly believe, as you said, that she needs to know that she should respect herself and pictures like what she has sent and messages are not the right way to get attention.

    I have discussed this with her mother and it's always the same answer, we'll talk to her tomorrow but it never happens. I know when I was her age my mother wouldv'e grounded me and I wouldn't have seen the light of day for a while. Is this to old school? I have taken the internet away from her but the phone is needed for her mum to contact her during the day. I did suggest taking the phone away when she gets home and then giving it back to her the next morning but that has'nt happen.

    I care about her alot and worry that when her friends find out that everything she has told them is a lie, she'll be the girl sitting by herself everyday.

    It's tough !!

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    hi nthbrissieguy. it sure is tough. what role does her father have?? is it worth having a chat with him, just to share your concerns. ??I feel I would be a bit 'old school' also, and grounding or taking the technology would be my first reaction. would it be worth the effort to try to show her the consequences of posting pics, or flirting online?? I think you and her mother need to get to cause of this behaviour. is she just going through the normal teenage angst, or is there something more behind it. ?? perhaps a counsellor at school or someone with more expierence with teenagers could help ? how long has this been going on. ? if it is only recent, it should be not to hard to stop, but if it has become her habit to lie and cause rifts between her friends, it might take a lot more to stop it. im glad you are concerned about it, and you are showing more concern than her mother to be honest. good luck, marie.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    hi nthbrissieguy. it sure is tough. what role does her father have?? is it worth having a chat with him, just to share your concerns. ??I feel I would be a bit 'old school' also, and grounding or taking the technology would be my first reaction. would it be worth the effort to try to show her the consequences of posting pics, or flirting online?? I think you and her mother need to get to cause of this behaviour. is she just going through the normal teenage angst, or is there something more behind it. ?? perhaps a counsellor at school or someone with more expierence with teenagers could help ? how long has this been going on. ? if it is only recent, it should be not to hard to stop, but if it has become her habit to lie and cause rifts between her friends, it might take a lot more to stop it. im glad you are concerned about it, and you are showing more concern than her mother to be honest. good luck, marie.
    Her father does see her every Thursday and second weekend but unfortunately the issue of her lying has been bought up before this, yes it's a habit, and he gave her an ipad. So I don't think him doing anything is an option besides I don't want to go behind my wife's back.

    The school councillor is an option but again I don't want to be seen as going behind my wife's back.

    I'm a bit lost. What annoys me the most is she has been caught lying a few times and each time we gave her the benefit of the doubt yet she just doesn't care.

    There could be underlying issues here but I seem to think it's more "cool" now to be considered to have a bad life than when I was young. I would've thought it would've been cool to say you had money.

    Do I just say to my wife that it's time I spoke with her and laid down the honesty and take action myself?

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    I don't know about you taking action. ?? it is hard for you to be The Parent, and lay down rules, it could all become worse. certainly, if the need for honesty is paramount for you, you have to make more of an issue of this with your wife. as for your stepdaughter. I would perhaps use a softly softly approach. tell her you think her constant lying and whatever is causing you some concern and you really want her to stop doing this because you can see it costing her dearly, losing her friends, and just making her untrustworthy. I would be very cautious of being too heavy handed, but certainly tell her you will be disappointed in her if she continues. I don't know what else to suggest. marie

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    I think you have to have a sit down with your wife and tell her your concerned if it isn't nipped in the butt now it will get worse. You want to make a appointment with the school councilor together for a second opinion on how to takle this situation as it isn't improving.

    I do think taking the phone, Internet and grounded is completely reasonable. I would take the phone and her mum can contact the school to pass messages if possible?

    I do think it's time for the strongest male figure in her life to sit her down and have a good talking to. From what you have said this is most certainly you.

    Your step daughter needs to understand boys won't respect or take care of her if she continues. I think she wants attention which she will get but not love or respect.

    I want to say thank you on behalf of all mum's for been such a good step dad.

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    I will sub to reply later.

    But you really need to sit down with your GF/partner and figure out what to do. I have done nearly exactly same what you have written.

    You don't want her life turning upside down. She needs to see a counsellor on the ASAP or psychologist.

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    I'm really sorry to say this but she is taking you for a ride, she's getting away with it and I'd be petrified that it will spiral out of control.

    You need your wife and her father to get involved asap. You all need to seek professional advice given this is a habit of hers and come up with strategies to help her realise what she's doing. Take a stand, if your wife has given up, take charge, tell her you are very worried and feel it's your duty to get involved, tell her you are going to involve the father, no need to go behind anyone's back.

    To be honest I think given you don't routinely discipline your stepchildren, if you have a genuine conversation with her expressing your dissapointment, concern etc, she might listen to you.

    Personally I would go old school on her and if I were her mother I would remove all technologies etc, then when she got them back, have an app installed that you can monitor her Internet usage. I think there is one called curbi. You need to be able to trust her, the Internet is an awful place for children.

    I'm so pleased to know there are men like you in society, young girls need great father figures in their lives.


 

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